Jane Renshaw - Watch Over Me

The smell hit Flora as soon as she entered the living room – an open-plan kitchen and sitting area with a large flat-screen TV opposite a sofa on which Saskia had evidently been sleeping. There was a yellow-stained pillow on it and a duvet cascading onto the floor. In front of this was a coffee table with an ashtray full of joints. The sickly smell of cannabis and sweat and mouldering food was so overpowering that Flora wasn’t sure she was going to be able to stand it. Dirty dishes were piled up all over the worktops.

Flora turned to Saskia. ‘Are you – are you all right?’

Saskia gave a mirthless laugh. ‘Fine and dandy.’

What about her children? Did they come here, or did she meet her husband at a café or a park or the zoo to spend time with them? An image came into Flora’s head of a tousle-haired little boy in Saskia’s arms.

I just wanted to see you .

She couldn’t ask her about her children. She couldn’t afford to have Saskia break down and be unable to tell them what they needed to know.

‘We’ll not stay long,’ she said, perching on one of the chairs positioned on either side of the sofa.

Neil didn’t sit and Saskia also remained standing, near the door, as if she was expecting to need an escape route.

‘Please come and sit down, Saskia,’ said Flora. ‘Neil.’

Neil perched on the other chair, while Saskia went to the sofa and folded up the duvet, shoved it to one side and sat. She still hadn’t met Flora’s eye.

‘Did you hurt Beckie?’ Neil said. She could hear the strain in his voice, the effort it was taking for him to remain calm.

Saskia didn’t respond.

‘We’re not going to repeat what you tell us to anyone,’ Flora said. ‘We just need to know. We need to know the truth about what you did, and what you made up, and what the Johnsons really did and didn’t do. Because they’ve found us again.’

Saskia looked up. ‘Oh God… I’m sorry.’

‘Yeah,’ said Neil. ‘Right. You’re sorry.’

‘Neil.’ Flora wanted to just get up and leave, to run out of this stinking flat and down the stairs and forget Saskia Mair existed. But they needed to hear the truth from her. ‘Please, Saskia. I mean it, we won’t go to the police or anything with what you tell us.’

Saskia shook her head and, finally, met Flora’s gaze. ‘I did it for the kids. And you know what? I’m not sorry. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. A few seconds of discomfort weighed against a lifetime of abuse and fear and misery and deprivation?’

‘That wasn’t your call to make,’ said Neil.

‘Oh, but you see, it was. I knew those kids. I knew those families. You’re really saying Beckie’s not better off today than she would have been if she’d been left to grow up in that family?’

‘If they weren’t actually doing her any harm, if she wasn’t really in any danger from them – you had no right to take her away. No wonder they’re angry. No wonder they moved heaven and earth to find her. My God, in their position I don’t know what I’d do.’

‘Of course they were doing her harm ,’ Saskia almost spat. ‘Most of it was true, what I put in my report.’

‘What bits, exactly?’ said Flora. ‘We need to know what you made up and what was true.’

Saskia shut her eyes.

‘ Saskia! ’ Flora bunched her fists.

Saskia breathed out, opened her eyes, and stared off. ‘The house was filthy. There were holes in the walls and doors missing. The place was full of cigarette smoke. The dog was out of control. There was a used condom lying on the carpet. Dirty nappies were spilling from the bin and the dog had hold of one. Beckie really was outside in the rain. Okay, she didn’t have a dirty nappy. She wasn’t dirty. She was in clean clothes. And there were no signs she had recently been physically hurt, although there were old bruises. But she was obviously not happy. She was obviously frightened of something. And Ryan and Travis and Jed really did threaten me. They didn’t actually assault me, but only because Lorraine stopped them. Jed Johnson really is dangerous – he’s a psychopath. A truly evil man who gets off on torturing people. Ryan’s more subtle, more sophisticated maybe, but he’s a killer too. As is Shannon-Rose. Travis is just a violent thug. That isn’t a family any child should have to grow up in.’

A long silence.

Neil was looking out of the window, his face expressionless. If you didn’t know him, you’d think he’d lost interest in the conversation, but Flora knew it was taking all he had not to lose it.

‘And that’s the truth?’

Saskia nodded. ‘The courts won’t take Beckie away from you. Not now. No court in the world would deem that to be in her best interests, after all this time with you. You’re her parents as far as she’s concerned. You’re her family.’

This was what Yvonne Richards had told them. That there was no need to worry on that score.

‘So they never actually harmed Beckie,’ said Neil quietly. ‘They were looking after her well.’

‘I’m sure they did harm her! I just didn’t have the evidence.’ Saskia’s voice caught. ‘Surely you must know that yourselves, surely you’ve seen the effect living with them had on Beckie? You’re not going to tell me she’s not been affected by it?’

‘No, I would certainly never claim she hadn’t been,’ said Flora. ‘She’s –’

Neil cut through her: ‘But that could have been down solely to Shannon-Rose! Who was a schizophrenic and not responsible for her actions – and the rest of the family certainly can’t be held responsible for what she did. Whatever Beckie suffered before she came to us might have nothing to do with them.’

‘Oh, believe that if you want to!’ Saskia reached for a roll-up. ‘Go ahead and get the adoption changed from closed to open if you want and see what happens. The courts would probably look favourably on such an application, in the circumstances. If you’re so confident they’re no threat to Beckie, go ahead and let the Johnsons back in her life.’

‘We’ve no intention of doing that,’ said Flora.

But Neil didn’t look at her.

‘What the fuck’s up wi’ you, doll?’ goes Mandy.

‘Aye,’ I goes, ‘excuse me if I’m no maybe wanting to bankrupt my arse on a wean that’s no even out the fucking womb.’

We’re in the TK Maxx on Argyle Street, me and Carly and Mandy, and I’m pushing the trolley because Carly thinks being pregnant means she cannae do nothing. Doesnae stop her shopping for Scotland, mind.

I goes, ‘Next time you go for a check-up, hen, you should maybe ask if there are no any procedures, like maybe they can get a pair of Swarovski earrings onto one of they keyhole whoogies and shove them up your fanny into the bairn?’

Mandy cackles.

Carly’s chuckling an’ all. ‘My Big Fat Gypsy Bairn.’ The wean’s da’s that wee fucker Ryan calls Gypsy Bob, but he’s no really a traveller, he just keeps getting evicted by the Council. ‘Aw is that no gorgeous?’ goes Carly, and she breenges past another bint – She’s pregnant, aye? So get out her fucking road – and shakes a baby-gro in my face. It’s pale yellow with wee bunnies and bees and that. Soft as anything.

‘Aye go on.’

She chucks it in the trolley. ‘Aw, and look at they wee sundresses! Would Bekki no look bonnie in one of they?’

‘We dinnae even know her right size.’

Carly’s holding up the dress. It’s turquoise with bonnie white flowers.

‘That’s adorable,’ goes Mandy.

Carly eyeballs me from under her big false eyelashes. ‘She’s like average size for her age, aye, give or take? Six to eight’s gonnae be too wee. Nine to eleven? If it’s too big it’ll do for next year?’