Хилари Боннер - A Deep Deceit

He stopped moaning and spoke then, but only through the fingers still covering his face. ‘I’ve d-done nothing,’ he said. ‘Nothing except try to remind you of how dangerous the outside world is for you, that’s all.’

‘You never intended to let me stop having the nightmares, did you?’ I continued flatly. ‘You might have lost control of me then.’

It was as if he had not heard me. ‘You’ve always understood, you see,’ he said. ‘Understood how much we n-needed each other.’

He took his hands away from his face, swung his body forward and kneeled by the side of the bed again, leaning close so that his face, illuminated by a candle on the box serving as a makeshift table, was closer than ever, just an inch or two away from mine. ‘I had to g-get you away. I know, you see, I know things you don’t. Sometimes it’s right to r-r-run away and if you wait, well, that’s when terrible things happen,’ he whispered. ‘I didn’t mean to frighten you, sweetheart.’

I was frightened, though, frightened of Carl. It was extraordinary.

‘Let me go, please let me go,’ I pleaded.

‘We have to be t-together,’ he said flatly. ‘We always have to be together. You must see that, you always used to. I have to keep you safe, away from d-danger.’

I continued to struggle to control the trembling, which was threatening to engulf my body from head to foot, unsure whether it was caused by the cold, by fever or by fear, or maybe all three.

I did not want him to see just how terribly frightened I was.

‘Carl, you must know we can’t hide for ever,’ I said eventually.

‘Suzanne, we have hidden for almost seven years,’ he countered. ‘We were happy, weren’t we, content in our little cottage in St Ives. Even though we were hiding it didn’t feel as if we were, did it? We would still be there if you hadn’t decided to go the police.’

He muttered the last few words through clenched teeth and without a hint of a stammer. I had not realised before quite how angry I must have made him.

I was extremely uncomfortable, as I was hardly able to move at all. I coughed again and the ropes dug into my wrists and ankles. I wasn’t quite as cold as I had been, but the shivering continued and the pain in my chest was becoming more severe. It seemed inevitable that I was developing bronchitis. Then I realised abruptly that there was an additional reason for my discomfort. I needed to go to the lavatory. And I told Carl so.

He barely reacted. Just looked uncertain.

‘For goodness’ sake untie me, Carl,’ I said.

He still did nothing.

‘Do you want me to lie in my own filth?’ I asked. ‘Is that what we’ve come to?’

He shook his head then, and began to untie the ropes fastening me to the bed.

I sat up and rubbed my sore wrists and ankles, making sure that he saw the red weals that had formed in my flesh. He winced. I tried to stand up and nearly fell backwards. I had lost the circulation in my legs. I could barely stay upright.

At once Carl’s strong arms were round me. I leaned heavily on to him, grabbing his shoulder. I had no choice. It was that or fall over. He helped me to the portable chemical loo in one corner – another disturbing indication of how carefully he must have planned for this – and made as if he were going to help me to pull down my trousers.

I glowered at him. ‘Turn your back, I can manage,’ I ordered.

He did so at once. But I could see his shoulders slump. The intimacy between us had always been such that I would not previously have asked him to turn away during even such a personal activity as having a wee.

When I had finished and had rearranged my clothes I moved quickly and sat down on one of the wooden chairs.

He stood close by, loosely holding the ropes with which I had been tied in his left hand. ‘Do you want to sit there or do you want to lie down on the bed again?’ he asked me.

‘I’ll stay here,’ I said.

‘On the chair or on the bed, up to you, but I’m going to tie you wherever you are,’ he warned. There was a catch in his voice.

‘For goodness’ sake, Carl, I’m not going anywhere,’ I said.

‘But you tried to, didn’t you?’ he said. ‘You tried to run away from me. I’m afraid you are going to come to harm. I can’t let that happen. I have to keep you here.’

‘I don’t like being locked up, and I certainly don’t like being tied up.’

‘It’s for your own good,’ he said. ‘I promise you, my darling. Everything that I have done is for you.’

He began to tie my arms to the back of the chair. I knew that in his youth in Key West, Carl had learned to sail and had crewed for the tourist boats. I suspected, although I didn’t know because I had never been on a boat of any kind in my life, that the knots he used were nautical ones. I didn’t protest any more. There wasn’t any point.

Carl’s voice was high-pitched and unnatural-sounding. His face glowed white in the candlelight. His eyes were very bright.

I had little idea what time of day it was or how long I had been in the shed with Carl. As I had earlier suspected, I could see daylight outside through the cracks around the boarded-up window, but other than that day and night blended into one.

Carl provided me with food and hot drinks at regular intervals.

I refused to eat or drink anything he gave me. ‘Do you think I’m a fool?’ I asked. ‘I’m not going to let you drug me again. I’m really not.’

He looked hurt. ‘I didn’t drug you, not the way you mean, not really, I’ve told you that,’ he protested.

I ignored him.

‘Look, please eat, I haven’t touched the food, honestly,’ he went on. ‘In any case it was only a sleeping draft to keep you calm, nothing more.’

But I couldn’t believe a word he said any longer.

Eventually he opened a large plastic container of water, placed two clear plastic beakers on the box that served as a table and filled them. I was still sitting on the chair, my legs tied and just one arm free.

‘Take one,’ he instructed. I did not move.

‘For goodness’ sake, take one,’ he repeated. His voice was slightly louder and he sounded quite exasperated.

I took one.

‘Right,’ he said. He picked up the other one and drank from it. ‘There, now have a drink,’ he said. ‘You’re going to be ill otherwise.’

I shook my head and put the beaker down on the box again.

He sighed, picked up the remaining beaker and drank from it briefly. ‘Now will you drink.’

I shook my head again. I suppose I was being stubborn for the sake of it. I really had had enough.

So had Carl, apparently. ‘For God’s sake, Suzanne,’ he shouted. And he kicked the box so that the beaker of water flew in the air and spilled its contents over the floor, and the box shot across the room and clattered into the metal frame of one of the camp beds.

Somewhere outside a dog barked.

Carl ran to a window and tried to peer through a narrow crack in the boarding that covered it. Apparently he saw nothing to cause him any additional anxiety. After a minute or so he turned away from the window. Once again I could see his face quite clearly in the candlelight. There were dark shadows under his eyes. His mouth was a tight line. Strange to think how often I had kissed that mouth. Shoulders hunched, he walked across the room and carefully replaced the box he had kicked in an upright position. Then he straightened the camp bed.

I thought I heard the dog bark again, but I wasn’t quite sure. Perhaps it was my imagination, wishful thinking that somebody was going to stumble across us here in this hidden place and I would be freed, released from the clutches of the man I had until so very recently wanted only to be with for ever.