Neil Olson - The Icon

Then the pain arrived. Radiating from his lower back up the spine to his shoulder blades, and in pulsing waves through the center of his thighs. Acute discomfort returned him to himself, drew his boundaries, and cut him off. The quality of light outside ceased being a display of beauty and became a means of determining that it was six forty-five without consulting the clock on the night table. He pressed his fists into the mattress and pushed himself up to a sitting position. He hadn’t the energy to go further right away, and fishing the square pillow from between his worn knees, he placed it behind his ruined spine and leaned back into the headboard. The pipes banged again, shaking the floor, and the valve on the bedside radiator began to hiss. The heat coming on had confused him. It was not winter but spring, early May. Yet the nights were still quite cool here, and he had set the thermostat up the previous evening. His bones had no tolerance for any cold whatsoever.

At these moments, thinking of the hot shower, the first pills after breakfast, the first drink after lunch made the pain seem bearable. When the time came that he could no longer subdue the agony by such simple means, he knew his days would begin in terror, end in despair. Perhaps it would never come to that. The degeneration had advanced quite slowly up to now. Maybe he would be carried off by something more dramatic before the illness reduced him to a groaning, bedridden ghost. Or perhaps the Mother would save him. He could not see her, but he felt her presence in the room. Yes, he felt her. The same warming, enveloping sensation of well-being that had possessed him when Tomas had arrived with the package nearly two weeks before. The very same feeling that had taken him, body and spirit, that had shaken him to the core sixty years ago, when Andreas had first shown him the work. He had not been the same man since. Certain preoccupations, certain necessities had ruled him from that time forward. Andreas had given him a great gift with that private showing in the empty, candlelit church. Yet in another sense he had troubled Fotis’ spirit, unsettled his life, and the worst part had been that Andreas himself was utterly unmoved by his prize. The icon was a curiosity that he was happy to show his friend, but it meant nothing to him. Such love for his men, and later for his wife and children, but a heart of stone for his God. Andreas. They would never choose each other’s friendship at this late date, but it was no matter; they were helplessly linked.

Fotis woke again with a start. He had sensed someone at the foot of the bed, but no, there was no one. Neither enemy nor friend. He was quite alone in the house, and had to force himself not to think about all the ways in which sick old men could die, alone in a house. Even getting out of bed was dangerous. The shower would be pure peril. Perhaps he should avoid it. The house was warm. He would dress and eat and see what strength he had after that.

It was a slow process. There was no longer anyone to help him. Roula had died before he had lost the strength he might have needed from her. It was too hard to think about her with him now, the years of contentment they might have had. And children, which she had desperately wanted, but God had willed otherwise. The young creature who had followed had been less than useless to him; only beautiful, what was that? She had expected to become his wife, but he had sent her away, grateful for the lesson in vanity, not repeating his mistake. His niece belonged to Alekos, who hated him. The men were more dependable, but he had lost them all. Phillip ran the restaurant and kept his distance, as had been arranged between them. Nicholas was in the hospital, the faithless Anton had run. Now Taki was dead, his sister’s only child. He closed his eyes and tried to close his mind to the grief and guilt that rushed in upon him.

This resistance was critical. If he could not stem the tide of regret at once, the past would break over him in an irresistible wave, and all the dead would swirl about him together. Marko, strangled in an alley, staring bulge-eyed from the mortician’s table; Roula coughing up her last bloody breaths; the young priest, burned and bleeding, writhing at his feet in the dark crypt. All of them with some claim upon him. And he, Fotis, old, broken, fearful as a child, damned, and yet still here. Ninety years of life and fighting for more. Ludicrous. Disgusting. He nearly reeled with bottomless self-loathing as he dropped the sweater with which he had been struggling and sat upon the bed once more.

Look to the Mother. That was the only way out of this. That was what all the pain and trouble had been about. He shifted around on the bed, and there she was. The light was not yet strong enough to strike her directly, but it had suffused the room in a warm orange glow that caught the brighter spots on her surface. The gold upper region and the yellowish parts where paint was missing created a contrast by which the maroon robe, the long brown hands, the enormous eyes came into focus. The eyes held the old man in their hypnotic, forgiving caress, and he could not help feeling that even there, where the paint had held, the painter’s hand did not rule. Artifice had been stripped away, and these portals burned directly out of the heart of the wood. Their black depths sounded in a time before the artist’s brief life, in the deep and sacred soul of the original. She was the first, even before the Son. She was the source, the life. Within the wood lay both. Her garments, his blood, her tears.

There was no way that a man could not be made small before this wonder. Fotis welcomed the smallness, his sins shrinking with the insignificance of his life, the lives he had helped, harmed, ended. Dust. A man had to live a very long time to feel it, to understand the lesson as well as he did now, and there was no teaching it to others. It took the transformative power of a sudden, burning clarity, lent by the Lord to the lucky few. Christ loved sinners. So there was yet hope.

Time lost meaning in the face of such contemplation, but a man was still a man, burdened with needs. Hunger brought the Snake back from the garden to the solitary room, now full of mid-morning light. He had no idea how much time had passed, but he forced himself to his feet, tugged on the gray cardigan, and went downstairs to the kitchen. Only after his coffee and oatmeal did he allow himself to consider his position once more. It was not an enviable one. Between the purchase and bribing Tomas, he had spent nearly everything to get the icon. Keeping it, and finding the means to live, would prove challenging. He had some cash, and disguised accounts in three countries. The house had been bought in Phillip’s name, and he had told no one about it, except the boy, apparently. Why had he told him? A need to share his pleasure with someone? A simple slip of age? The reason did not matter, it was done. He had then told Matthew the purchase was off, and the boy didn’t know precisely where the house was, did he? Troubling to be unsure of such details. In any case, Andreas could take what little Matthew knew and discover the rest. Others would be searching, too, even though Fotis’ return to the country had been in secret. The house could not be considered secure. He had already tarried here three days, regathering his strength. A new short-term location must be found, and a long-term location finally decided upon. Someplace warm. Mexico, perhaps.

Fotis peered out the kitchen window at the narrow wooded dell to the east. He had determined weeks before that it provided the best covert approach to the house and had intended to place motion sensors there, but had not seen to it. There was as yet insufficient foliage to provide real cover, but his eyes were not good any longer, and he could certainly miss a man at this distance. A careful soul could reach the house unseen, but could not enter it unheard.