Karin Slaughter - Blindsighted

She answered the phone on the fourth ring, her voice heavy with sleep. "Hello?"

He realized he had been holding his breath. "Sara?"

She was silent, and for a moment he thought she had hung up the phone. He heard her moving, sheets rustling; she was in bed. He could hear rain falling outside, and a distant thunder rumbled over the phone. Jeffrey had a flash of a night they had shared a long time ago. Sara never liked storms, and she had awakened him, wanting Jeffrey to take her mind off the thunder and lightning.

"What do you want?" she asked.

He searched for something to say, knowing suddenly that he had waited too long to get in touch with her. He could tell from the tone of her voice that something had changed in their relationship. He was not altogether sure how or why.

"I tried to call before," he said, feeling like he was lying even though he was not. "At the clinic," he said.

"That so?"

"I talked to Nelly," he said.

"Did you tell her it was important?"

Jeffrey felt his stomach drop. He didn't answer.

Sara gave what he thought was a laugh.

He said, "I didn't want to talk to you until I had something."

"Something on what?"

"I'm in Atlanta."

She was silent, then, "Let me guess, 633 Ashton Street."

"Earlier," he answered. "I'm at APD headquarters now. We've got him in an interview room."

"Jack?" she asked.

Something about her familiar use of his name set Jeffrey's teeth on edge.

"Moon called me when his monitor went off," Sara provided in a dull tone. "I had a feeling that's where you were."

"I wanted to talk to him about what's going on before I called in the cavalry."

She sighed heavily. "Good for you."

The line was quiet again, and Jeffrey was again lost for words. Sara interrupted the silence.

She asked, "Is that why you called me? To tell me that you arrested him?"

"To see if you were okay."

She gave a small laugh. "Oh, yeah. I'm just peachy, Jeff. Thanks for calling."

"Sara?" he asked, scared she would hang up. "I tried to call before."

"Evidently not that hard." she said.

Jeffrey could feel her anger coming across the phone. "I wanted to have something to tell you when I called. Something concrete."

She stopped him, her tone terse and low. "You didn't know what to say, so instead of walking two blocks to the clinic or making sure you got through to me, you scooted off to Atlanta to see Jack face-to-face." She paused. "Tell me how it felt to see him, Jeff."

He could not answer her.

"What'd you do, beat him up?" Her tone turned accusatory. "Twelve years ago, I could've used that. Right now I just wanted you to be there for me. To support me."

"I'm trying to support you, Sara," Jeffrey countered, feeling blind-sided. "What do you think I'm doing up here? I'm trying to find out if this guy is still out there raping women."

"Moon says he hasn't left town in the last two years."

"Maybe Wrights involved in what's going on in Grant. Did you think of that?"

"No, actually," she answered glibly. "All I could think was I showed you that transcript this morning, I bared my soul to you, and your response was to get out of town."

"I wanted-"

"You wanted to get away from me. You didn't know how to deal with it, so you left. I guess it's not as tricky as letting me come home and catch you with another woman in our bed, but it sends the same kind of message, doesn't it?"

He shook his head, not understanding how it had come to this. "How is it the same? I'm trying to help you."

Her voice changed then, and she didn't seem angry so much as deeply hurt. She had talked to him like this only once before, right after she had caught him cheating. He had felt then as he felt now, like a selfish asshole.

She said, "How are you helping me in Atlanta? How does it help me having you four hours away? Do you know how I felt all day, jumping every time the phone rang, hoping it was you?" She answered for him. "I felt like an idiot. Do you know how hard it was for me to show you that? To let you know what had happened to me?"

"I didn't-"

"I'm nearly forty years old, Jeffrey. I choose to be a good daughter to my parents and a supportive sister to Tessa. I chose to push myself so I could graduate at the top of my class from one of the finest universities in America. I chose to be a pediatrician so I could help kids. I chose to move back to Grant so I could be close to my family. I chose to be your wife for six years because I loved you so much, Jeffrey. I loved you so much." She stopped, and he could tell that she was crying. "I didn't choose to be raped."

He tried to speak, but she wouldn't let him.

"What happened to me took fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes and all of that was wiped out. None of it matters when you take those fifteen minutes into account."

"That's not true."

"It's not?" she asked. "Then why didn't you call me this morning?"

"I tried to-"

"You didn't call me because you see me as a victim now. You see me the same way you see Julia Matthews and Sibyl Adams."

"I don't, Sara," he countered, shocked that she would accuse him of such a thing. "I don't see-"

"I sat there in that hospital bathroom on my knees for two hours before they cut me loose. I nearly bled to death," she said. "When he was done with me, there was nothing left. Nothing at all. I had to rebuild my life. I had to accept that because of that bastard I would never have children. Not that I ever wanted to think about having sex again. Not that I thought any man would want to touch me after what he did to me." She stopped, and he wanted so badly to say something to her, but the words would not come.

Her voice was low when she said, "You said I never opened up to you? Well, this is why. I tell you my deepest, darkest secret and what do you do? You run off to Atlanta to confront the man who did it instead of talking to me. Instead of comforting me."

"I thought you'd want me to do something."

"I did want you to do something," she answered, her tone filled with sadness. "I did."

The phone clicked in his ear as she hung up. He dialed her number again, but the line was busy. He kept hitting "send" on the phone, trying the line five more times, but Sara had taken her phone off the hook.

Jeffrey stood behind the one-way glass in the observation room, playing back his conversation with Sara in his mind. An overwhelming sadness enveloped him. He knew that she was right about calling. He should have insisted Nelly put him through. He should have gone to the clinic and told her that he still loved her, that she was still the most important woman in his life. He should have gotten on his knees and begged her to come back to him. He shouldn't have left her. Again.

Jeffrey thought of how Lena had used the term victim a few days ago..inscribing targets of sexual predators. She had put a spin on the word, saying it the same way she would say "weak" or "stupid." Jeffrey had not liked that classification from Lena, and he certainly did not like hearing it from Sara. He probably knew Sara better than any other man in her life, and Jeffrey knew that Sara was not a victim of anything but her own (Limning self-judgment. He did not see her as a victim in that context. If anything, he saw her as a survivor. Jeffrey was hurt to his very core that Sara would think so little of him.

Moon interrupted his thoughts, asking, "About ready to start?"

"Yeah," Jeffrey answered, blocking Sara from his mind. No matter what she had said, Wright was still a viable lead to what was going on in Grant County. Jeffrey was already in Atlanta. There was no reason to go back until he had gotten everything he needed from the man. Jeffrey clenched his jaw, forcing himself to concentrate on the task at hand as he stared through the glass.