Andrew Vachss - Strega

"Who would volunteer to be a slave?"

"A man who fears freedom," Pablo said, getting to his feet to embrace me. It was a goodbye.

THE LINCOLN was standing out in front of the clinic as if it had never moved. The driver's door was open, the engine running. I can take a hint. I was off the block in seconds.

It was deep into the hours past midnight-still not too late to go to Mama's joint, but I wasn't hungry. The Lincoln turned itself north toward the Triboro-I was going to loop around and head back to the office. But I found myself on the long span heading for Queens instead. The bridge was quiet. I passed the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, my last chance to head back downtown. But the Lincoln kept rolling, past LaGuardia. By then I knew where I was going.

Strega's house was still and dark as I let the Lincoln drift to the curb-maybe her husband and her daughter were allowed to return to the castle after midnight. I hit the power window switch, leaving the engine running. Lit a cigarette and watched the red tip in the darkness like it was a book I wanted to read, listening to the night sounds. A Yellow Cab rattled past-a late-arriving passenger from the airport going home to the wife and kids.

I threw my cigarette into the street, watching her house. A tiny light came on in an upstairs window, barely visible behind a gauzy curtain. I looked hard, trying to fix the exact location. The light went out.

I pushed the gas pedal down, letting the big car take me back to where I was safe. It felt as if she was playing with me in that upstairs room-letting me go. This time.

THE NEXT morning was no better. Strange days. The big part of staying off the floor is knowing how to wait. When you hit the floor in my neighborhood, there's no referee giving you time to get your brain back together. I knew how to stay off the floor, but this case was all bent and twisted. I had money in my pocket, nobody was looking for me-I should have been golden. Julio's weak threats wouldn't make me lose sleep. I could just wait a few weeks, keep my head down-tell Strega I came up empty. And walk away.

But when you spend your life lying to everyone from streetside suckers all the way to the Parole Board, you learn that lying to yourself is a self-inflicted wound.

I drove over to one of the post-office boxes I keep around the city in various names. The one in Westchester County is the one I use for kiddie-sex freaks. It's in Mount Vernon, just over the border from the Bronx, maybe forty-five minutes from the office. All I found were some "underground" newsletters and a magazine. The newsletter never quite crosses the line-just some pictures of kids mixed with whining about this repressive society. One even had a column supposedly written by a kid himself-bragging about how his life was enriched by his "meaningful association" with an older man. That dirtbag the Mole had brought me to would have approved. Most of it reminded me of the stuff the Klan puts out-who got arrested recently (and why he was innocent), what politicians are trying to make a name for themselves with "anti-kid" legislation…that kind of crap. Some freaks burn crosses, some burn kids. The feature story was about some priest in Louisiana doing time for sodomizing a bunch of altar boys-the newsletter said the real issue was freedom of religion.

It was a waste of time. I knew it would be. Someone once said people in hell want ice water. If that's all they want, maybe they deserve to stay there.

I pulled the car over on the West Side Highway, near 96th Street. It was peaceful there-a few guys working on their cars, one crazy bastard casting a fishing line into the oil slick, a young woman throwing a stick for her dog to fetch. The dog was an Irish setter. His coat gleamed coppery red in the sunlight as he dashed in and out of the water, chasing the stupid stick. The woman called to the dog-time to go. The dog stopped and shook himself, water flying from his coat in a fine spray. I threw away my cigarette. That was what I needed to do-shake off this witch-woman and get back to myself.

I spent the next two days asking soft questions in hard places. Marking time until the week was up and I could return Bobby's Lincoln. I called him from a pay phone on Twelfth Avenue, near Times Square.

"It's Burke. My car ready?"

"Yep. Running like a watch. When's the last time that thing had a decent tune-up?"

"I don't know-didn't think it needed one."

Bobby made a growling sound in his throat-abusing good machinery made him crazy.

"You have any luck with that other thing?" I asked him, heading off a lecture on auto mechanics.

"Sure. No problem. Pick up your car this afternoon. About four, okay? We'll talk then."

"I'll be there."

"By yourself," he reminded me.

"I'll be the only person in the car," I told him. Pansy was going to get a ride in a Lincoln.

THE MASTIFF sniffed the Lincoln like it was an enemy dog-circling around a couple of times, pawing at the tires, burying her giant snout in the front seat.

"It's okay," I told her, but she took her time, getting it right. Finally, she climbed into the back seat, growled a couple of times, then flopped down. She was half asleep by the time I wheeled onto Atlantic Avenue.

It was just past four o'clock when I pulled up. This time it was Bobby himself sitting on the crate in front of the garage. He raised a fist in greeting, hitting a switch to open the door so I could pull the Lincoln all the way in. My Plymouth was parked just inside, nose aimed at the street.

"I could've painted it while it was here, but I figured you'd rather keep it the way it was," Bobby said.

"That's right, Bobby. Thanks."

But I wasn't getting off that easy. He insisted on taking me through everything he'd done to the car-piece by piece. "What you got here is a complete tune-up, Burke. Valves adjusted, points and plugs, carb cleaned and rejetted, timing reset. And we aligned the front end, rotated and balanced the tires. Changed all the fluids-power steering, transmission. Had to bleed the brake lines-you got silicon fluid in there now. Had to adjust the bands in the tranny too. It runs perfect now."

"What do I owe you, Bobby?"

Bobby waved my offer away.

"Let's hear how it sounds," I said with an enthusiasm I didn't feel.

Bobby twisted the key-it was so smooth it sounded like a turbine. Pansy recognized the sound-her monster's head appeared in the windshield of Bobby's Lincoln. He heard something, looked.

"What the fuck is that ?" he asked me.

"It's just my dog, Bobby." I went over and opened the Lincoln 's door, slapping my hip for Pansy to come to me.

"Jesus H. Fucking Christ!" Bobby said reverently. "How much does it weigh?"

"I don't know-maybe one forty or so.

Bobby made a full circuit around Pansy, checking her lines. He didn't try and kick the tires.

"Could I pat it?" he asked.

"Pansy, jump!" I snapped at her. She hit the deck, lying prone, her murderer's eyes the color of the East River, watching Bobby the way she watches food. "Go ahead," I told him. "She won't do anything now.

Bobby had enough sense to squat down so Pansy wouldn't think he was trying to dominate her. He scratched behind her ears. "I never saw anything like this outside of a zoo," he said. Pansy made a gentle rumble in her throat-like a subway pulling into a station. "Is he mad?" Bobby asked, still scratching.

"No," I told him. "That's when she's happy."

"It's a girl?"

"Sure is," I said.

Bobby got to his feet. "The other guys are out back, Burke. Okay?"

"Okay. You want me to leave Pansy out here?"

"Fuck no," Bobby said. "She might eat one of the cars."