Sue Grafton - S is for Silence

Liza found a new hiding place for the diary and then sat on her bed and opened Kathy’s present, which was beautifully wrapped in pink-flowered paper with a pretty pink bow on top. Pink was Kathy’s favorite color. Liza herself preferred shades of purple, which was also Violet’s favorite.

When she saw what Kathy had given her, she could hardly believe her eyes. The box of lily of the valley dusting powder was the same one she’d given Kathy for her birthday in March of the year before. She checked the bottom of the box and, sure enough, there was the same drugstore sticker she’d torn in half when she’d tried to peel it off. Clearly Kathy hadn’t used the powder and didn’t remember who’d given it to her. Now what?

Liza didn’t want to call her at all. On the other hand, she thought she’d be smart to get it over with. If Kathy had read her diary, she’d never pass up the opportunity to chide and condemn her, superior as always.

Liza went to the phone in the hall and dialed Kathy’s number. Mrs. Cramer picked up.

“Hi, Mrs. Cramer? This is Liza. Is Kathy home?”

“Just a moment.” She put a hand across the mouthpiece and Liza could hear her holler up to the second floor. “Kathy? Liza’s on the phone.”

There was a long pause while Kathy clumped down the stairs. “Hope you had a good birthday,” Mrs. Cramer remarked while they waited.

“I did. Thanks.”

“Here she is.”

Kathy took the handset and said, “Hello,” in a voice that was dead and remote.

“Hi. I called to say thanks for the bath powder. It’s really nice.”

“You’re welcome.” Even the two words sounded snippy and clipped.

“Is something wrong?”

“Why would you say that?”

“Kathy, if something’s bothering you, just tell me.”

“Well, where were you? That’s what’s bothering me. We had a date.”

“We did?”

“Yesss. This afternoon. My mother was supposed to take us to the five-and-dime…”

Liza could feel the cold envelop her body as Kathy went on in her martyred, accusatory tone. “We were supposed to pick out a pattern and fabric so we could sew matching skirts and weskits for our new fall wardrobe. Don’t you remember?”

“I remember you mentioned it, but that was weeks ago and you never said what day.”

“Because it was so obvious. It was for your birthday, Liza. I didn’t think I had to spell it out. We drove over to pick you up for lunch and you were gone. Your mom didn’t even know where you were.”

“I’m sorry. I forgot-“

“How could you forget? We always spend our birthdays together. It’s traditional.”

“We’ve done it twice,” Liza said. She knew she’d pay for the sass, but she couldn’t help herself.

“Well, I guess it means more to me than to you,” Kathy said.

Liza couldn’t think of a response so she said nothing.

“So where did you go?” Kathy asked.

“No place in particular. Just out.”

“I know you were out. I’m asking where.”

“Why do you care?” Liza couldn’t believe she was being so ornery, but she was sick of catering to Kathy’s moods.

“I care, Liza, because I want to know what’s so important you had to stand me up.”

“ I didn’t stand you up. I forgot, okay?”

“I know you forgot. You already told me that a hundred times! You don’t have to rub it in.”

“Why are you so mad? It was an honest mistake.”

“I’m not mad. Why should I be mad? I asked for an explanation. Since you were so rude as to violate our agreement, I think you owe me one.”

Liza felt her temper climb, Kathy having neatly maneuvered her into a corner. If she told her where she’d been, Kathy would raise a big stink or she’d sulk for days, or she’d do both, but in no way would she ever leave the subject alone. Liza had seen it before. Once someone made Kathy mad, she never let ‘em off the hook. “I was busy.”

“Doing what?” Kathy said, exasperated.

“What difference does it make?”

“In other words, you won’t tell. Thanks so much. I’d never do anything that horrible to you-”

“Oh, stop exaggerating. It’s not horrible.”

“I thought we were best friends.”

“I didn’t say we weren’t.”

“But that’s not how you treat a best friend-keeping secrets and being mean.”

“I’m not being mean.”

“You know what? That’s the difference between us, what you just said. You can’t admit the truth. Moral Rearmament has made me a better person, but Absolute Unselfishness doesn’t mean a thing to you. It’s whatever you want, whatever you feel like doing, and then you lie about it afterward…”

Liza said, “I have to go. My mom’s calling me.”

Kathy’s voice had a quaver now. “You know what? Absolute Honesty? You hurt me. Deeply. All week long, I looked forward to seeing you. It was going to be the bright spot of my day. Put yourself in my place and think how I felt when I heard you hadn’t even left a note.”

“Kathy, it’s not like I did it on purpose. I made a mistake.”

“Then why didn’t you call me when you got home?”

“That’s what I’m doing. I’m on the phone. I’m calling you. What else could this be?”

“Oh sure, hours later.”

“I just now walked in the door!”

“You were gone all day?”

“Why are you making such a fuss?”

“I’m making a fuss? So now it’s my fault?”

“I didn’t say it was your fault, but you don’t have to make such a big deal of it. You do things without me. Why can’t I do one tiny thing without you?”

“Fine. Be that way. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

Liza could feel herself crumble. This would go on for the rest of her life unless she found a way out. “Look, I’m really sorry, okay? I apologize.”

There was a momentary silence. Kathy didn’t like giving up the power position. “Do you mean that?”

“I do. Sincerely. I didn’t want to say where I was because it had to do with my mom and her… you know… her problem.”

“Oh you poor thing. Why didn’t you say so?”

“I was embarrassed. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“Of course. I completely understand. But really, if you’d confided in me, we could have avoided this misunderstanding.”

“Next time I will. I’m sorry I wasn’t completely honest with you.”

“That’s all right. Liza, it’s not your fault what she is.”

“I appreciate your being so nice about it.” Having capitulated, why not grovel as well?

“So what time do you want to go to the park tomorrow night? You think six is too early? I made some deviled eggs. I thought we could take a picnic.”

Liza was at a loss for words.

“Liza?”

“I’m here. The problem is I can’t go. That’s another reason I called. My mom’s kind of sick and I have to stay home because she needs me.”

“But won’t she be better tomorrow?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t think so. She doesn’t look good.”

“You can’t even leave her for an hour?”

“I better not.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know. I’m calling the doctor as soon as I hang up from you. She’s been sick all day so it might be serious.”

“You want me to come keep you company? I don’t mind skipping the fireworks. We could make popcorn.”

“We better not. She could be contagious. She’s calling me right now so I gotta go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“Sure. I hope she feels better.”

“Me too.”

When Liza placed the handset back in the cradle, the small of her back was damp. She played the conversation over and over in her mind, reconstructing Kathy’s tone, wishing she’d been quicker on the draw when Kathy tried to shoot her down. She shouldn’t have lied about her mom, but what else could she do? She didn’t see how Kathy would ever find out. She knew Kathy was full of pity for her because of her mother’s drinking and often told her she prayed for her in church, citing Absolute Love. Didn’t feel like love to Liza, but what did she know?