Sue Grafton - S is for Silence

“Our paths hardly cross.”

“No fault of mine. If you weren’t so straightlaced, I’d have done this ages ago. I got tired of waiting for you to make a move. So here we are-surprise, surprise.”

“But why?”

She laughed. “Don’t underestimate yourself. You’re a good-looking guy and you’re sexy as hell. I’ll tell you something else. You’ve been working too hard. I can see it in your face. When’s the last time you cut loose and had fun, for god’s sake?”

“I’m… I don’t know what to say.”

“Who asked you to talk? Did I say anything about chatting, Chet?” She was making a little joke of his name, but he found he didn’t mind. She sat down on the bed, patting the place beside her. “Look at you. All tense. Come over here and I’ll help you relax.”

He crossed to the bed, moving as though drugged. When he reached her, she rubbed the palm of one hand against the front of his pants. “My, oh my. This is going to be good.”

She’d been gentle and sweet, guiding him through a process so highly charged and novel he felt his heart would stop. Nothing with Livia had ever prepared him for such heat. Violet thought his shyness was a riot after all the bullshit he’d laid on her earlier. She’d said, “Big tough guy” in a way that made him laugh. How could she mock him and make him feel good at the same time?

Later, under her patient tutelage, she’d murmured. “Right there, Sweetie. Oh, that’s nice. Keep doing that.”

She seemed to enjoy bossing him around, inflicting occasional tiny jolts of pain that sent his pleasure soaring into the stratosphere. She liked being in charge, liked making him groan at certain little tricks she had. They made love for an hour, and at the end of it she pulled away from him, laughing and out of breath. “That’s it for you, Stud.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I gotta scoot, that’s all. Daisy’s parked with a neighbor and I can’t be late picking her up. Foley’s a psycho when it comes to how I spend my days. Plus, my neighbor’s a bitch and I wouldn’t put it past her to mention it to him. How’re you doing?”

He laughed. “Fine. I can’t move.”

“Good. I’m glad. Shows I treated you right.”

He remained stretched out naked on the bed as she pulled on her underwear and slipped her dress over her head. She crossed to him and sat down on the edge, holding her hair off her neck so he could run the zipper up the back of her dress. Once her dress was zipped, she continued to sit with her back turned to him. “I know people think I’m cheap, but this is not about that. What happened this afternoon is just between us, something both of us want. I know I could have gone about it some other way, but you wouldn’t have agreed. You’d have been worried about Livia, worried about Foley, worried we’d get caught. I don’t want you to think badly of me. I knew if I didn’t push, we’d never get here.”

She turned to look at him and he could have sworn she was on the verge of tears. He reached up and touched her face. She laughed self-consciously, dashing moisture from her cheeks. She pulled the sheet over him. “Gotta cover you up or next thing you know you’ll get me going again.”

He started to rise, but she put a hand on his chest. “No, no. You stay there. I like your hair all tussled and standing up on end. It looks cute. You ought to wear it like that all the time.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I have to.”

“Give me ten minutes more. An hour. Better yet, let’s just stay here together for the rest of our lives.”

She thought about it briefly. “Thirty seconds, but that’s it.” She sat down again. She took out a cigarette and lit it, passing it to him. “You’re full of surprises, you know that?”

He touched her bare arm, marveling at the silky feel of her skin. “You’re beautiful.”

“I feel beautiful with you.”

“When can I see you again?”

“That’s not such a hot idea. You know it’s dangerous.”

“I like risk. I never knew that about myself until you came along.”

“That’s enough out of you, Stud. I’m out of here.”

She kissed her index finger and pressed it to his lips. She put on her sandals and got up, tucking her purse under her arm. “How about tomorrow at noon? I’ll have less than an hour, but that’s the best I can do.”

“Don’t you want me to drive you to your truck?”

“I can walk. It’s not far and it’s better this way.”

She left, closing the door behind her. He could hear her footsteps fading on the pavement. He wasn’t sure how he’d survive the hours until he saw her again.

When he arrived home late in the day-after his usual meditation out on New Cut Road-he thought he’d be weighted with guilt, but just the opposite was true. He was happy. Something akin to affection resurfaced, and he sat at the dinner table glowing with goodwill. Livia had made jellied salmon for supper, possibly the most disgusting thing he’d ever eaten except for her chicken livers. Nonetheless, he found himself watching her with a kindness rare for him of late. Where had that gone? He thought of himself as a good man, but he realized that as far back as he could remember, he’d been angry and cheerless. Now that had been erased. Even Kathy didn’t seem as tedious. He was secretly amused, knowing she’d never dream what her old dad had been up to. He could hardly believe it himself-the transformation from dead to half-dead to reborn. If she happened to mention his leaving with Violet, he’d invent something on the spot and he knew he’d get away with it. His was a whole new world. That it included lying, adultery, and certain acts that were biblically forbidden only made it all the more titillating. He asked for a second helping of canned lima beans, hoping he wouldn’t laugh out loud at the images still floating through his head.

He endured Thursday morning with his eye on the clock. At 11:50 he left the dealership, saying he was going out to lunch. When Kathy asked where, he said he hadn’t decided yet, but he’d be back in a bit. Feeling worldly, he checked into the same room at the Sandman. It was all so easy now. Violet arrived and moments later, in a flurry of discarded clothes, feverish kisses, agonizing groans, and grabbing at each other, they were both naked and lying on the bed. Her breath smelled of red wine and cigarettes, but he knew better than to ask what she’d been doing at the Moon so early in the day. What difference did it make?

The sex was even better this time, which he hadn’t believed possible. Already he felt comfortable in his skin, sure of himself. This wasn’t the lovemaking of strangers, but the intimacy of two adults. Violet could be rough, and she brought out the bawdiness in him. She was also outrageous, using language that sometimes shocked his staid sensibilities. She could be tender as well, in ways that made him want to weep.

Afterward, they shared a cigarette like lovers in a movie. He couldn’t get over this new sense he had of himself. Violet was tucked up under his arm, her head on his shoulder, face tilted back slightly so she could look at him. He looked down at her, saying, “What?”

She laughed. “How did you know I had something on my mind?”

“You’re not the only one with telepathic powers.”

“That’s good. I like that.” She was quiet, smile fading.

He gave her shoulder a shake. “Come on. Out with it.”

“I was thinking about what you said yesterday. You know, spending the rest of our lives in this room. That was sweet. That made me feel I was special to you, not just a cheap piece of ass.”

“Hey! Enough. Don’t say shit like that about yourself.”

“Well, it’s the truth. You know my reputation. I’m a wild child. I live fast and loose, but you know what it’s about? Under all the trashy talk and screwing around, I’m completely numb, like I’m already dead inside. So at least when I’m crazy drunk and out of control, I feel like I’m alive. Does that make any sense?”