Stuart Woods - Two-Dollar Bill

"You'd do that?"

"Not if I could help it, but the AG would do it in the blink of an eye, if he thought you knew about it."

"You intrigue me."

"That's the nicest thing anybody has said to me all day," she said, batting her eyes furiously. "My office is buying dinner," she said, reaching for a menu, "in return for the information."

"Oh, no, you don't. I'm not becoming a confidential informant for the feds, and don't you dare write my name down anywhere."

"I'll have to tell some people where I got the information about Peeples."

"Tell them you got it from Google, which is the truth, sort of."

"Okay. If you insist on buying, let's split the porterhouse."

"Gold digger."

STONE WAS WAKENED from a sound sleep by the ringing of his bedside telephone. He answered it as quickly as possible, to avoid waking Tiff, who slumbered beside him, her hand on his belly.

"Hello?" he half whispered.

"Hey, Stone." The line was staticky and faint.

Stone felt a wave of irritation. "Billy Bob."

"You left me a message to call."

"Not at…" he looked at the bedside clock "… three-thirty in the morning."

"Sorry about that. It ain't three-thirty here."

"Where are you?"

"Maui."

"Hawaii?"

"Got a little deal going out here. What did you want to talk to me about?"

Stone checked the caller ID window on the phone. Unavailable , "It's hard to remember in the middle of the night."

"Well, I might not be able to get back to you for a few days. We're headed out for a little cruise on a big ol' yacht in the morning."

"Oh, yes, I remember. I've resigned from representing you as your attorney. I sent you a letter and a refund of your retainer to your Dallas address."

"Well, shoot, Stone. What'd you want to go and do that for? Ain't my money no good?"

"I don't represent clients who conceal their identities from me, or who employ more than one identity."

A silence.

"Or who murder women in my guest room."

"It wasn't murder, exactly," Billy Bob said, and he managed to sound sheepish.

"Exactly what was it?"

"She wanted me to choke her a little; said she got off better that way. I told her to tap me on the hand if she wanted me to stop, but she didn't. I don't know why."

"You're a big, strong guy, Billy Bob," Stone said. "Strong hands, I expect. By the way, the electric blanket was a clever idea. It threw the medical examiner for a loop, until he figured it out."

"I needed to buy me some time," Billy Bob said. "Are the cops looking for me?"

Stone wasn't going to become an accomplice to flight. "I can't comment on that."

"I'm looking for advice, here, Stone; that's what I'm paying you for."

"No, you're not. I've sent you a cashier's check for the full fifty thousand, so you haven't paid me a penny."

"So that's the way it is, then?"

"That's the way it is. I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't contact me again."

"Oh, you'll be hearing from me, Stone."

"And Billy Bob? The next time you print up some cards for Warren Buffett, try and remember that he spells his name with two't's."

Silence, then Billy Bob hung up.

Stone tried to get back to sleep, but he spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling.

STONE FELL ASLEEP about a minute before Tiff woke him, moving her hand down his belly. He groaned. "I got a phone call in the middle of the night and never got back to sleep. Forgive me if I'm not too responsive this morning."

"So Billy Bob is in Hawaii?"

"I thought you were asleep. You're a sneaky person."

"Where in Hawaii?"

"Let me think about this for a moment." He thought about it. "He told me where he was while he still thought I was his attorney, so I can't tell you."

"God, but you're a pain in the ass."

"I cherish my license to practice law," Stone replied.

She grabbed his balls. "I'll bet I could torture it out of you."

"We're not at Guantanamo, missy," he said. "Oh, Billy Bob did confess to murder, and that was after I told him I wasn't his lawyer anymore."

"Murder?"

"You haven't heard?" He told her about Tiffany's death. "Actually, he didn't confess to murder; he said it was an accident."

"Murder isn't a federal crime, unless the victim is a federal official."

"If it helps, I have no way of knowing if Billy Bob was actually in Hawaii; he just said he was. The time zone works, though; it's what, six hours earlier there?"

"Seven, I think."

"So it would have been midevening in Maui-oops, forget I said that."

"You're sweet," she said, tickling his balls. "And you're becoming more responsive, too." She was right.

STONE WAS SITTING in his office at midafternoon, trying to stay awake, when Dino called.

"Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner; it's been busy here. What's up?"

"Billy Bob called in the middle of the night; said he was in Maui."

"You believe him?"

"Who knows what to believe? He could be anywhere. Oh, he said he was going on a cruise on a yacht for a few days."

"Where do you cruise to in Hawaii?"

"Hawaii, I think. Anything else is a long way away."

"I could ask the Hawaii state police for an APB, I guess."

"Must be lots of yachts in Hawaii, so that's a lot of work, and if Billy Bob was lying about his whereabouts, the cops out there won't appreciate the wild-goose chase. Oh, something else: Billy Bob owned up to killing Tiffany, but your theory was right, or he says it was. He said she asked him to choke her, because it gave her a better orgasm. She was supposed to ask him to stop, but she didn't."

"Did you tell him we were looking for him?"

"I declined to address the subject."

"So he knows?"

"Probably. Another reason why he might not be aboard a yacht in Hawaii. He wouldn't be doing what he said he'd be doing, if he knew there was a warrant out for him."

"Okay, so I won't ask for a Hawaii APB."

"The phone call was kind of scratchy, like it was from a long way away."

"A cell phone, maybe?"

"Maybe."

"He could still be in the city, then?"

"Could be. He checked out of the Four Seasons, though; I called yesterday."

"Could have changed hotels."

"And names. Did you add Peeples to the warrant?"

"Yeah; that's on the record, now. Does he know we know about the Peeples identity?"

"I didn't tell him, but the feds are looking for him under that name, and they've got a head start. If they find him first, lots of luck on ever getting him back for a murder trial."

"Yeah, I'd like to get my hands on him first."

Joan came into the room, and she didn't look happy.

"Dino, hang on for a minute. What's up, Joan?"

"The bank called; the cashier's check cleared."

"Boy, that was fast."

"They wired the funds to a bank in the Cayman Islands."

"You hear that, Dino?" he said into the phone.

"Yeah, we'll never track him that way."

"There's something else," Joan said.

"What?"

"The check Billy Bob gave us bounced."

"What?"

Joan shrugged.

"I heard that," Dino said. "Stone, you are a complete, absolute, gold-plated, fucking schmuck!"

Stone could not find a reason to disagree.

JOAN KNOCKED on Stone's office door.

Stone looked up. "Yes?"

"Don't look so depressed."

"I have good reason to feel depressed," he said. "Somebody just stole fifty thousand dollars from me."

"Not to make it worse, but that leaves us overdrawn at the bank, and if I don't get some money in there pronto, our checks are going to start bouncing."

Stone sighed. "All right, tell my broker to sell another fifty thousand and wire it."

"Ah, that would only replace Billy Bob's fifty thousand, and we've already sent him that much, so we're going to need to raise a hundred and fifty thousand, if we're going to pay this week's bills."