Lawrence Block - The Burglar on the Prowl

"Oh, not again," she said, in a voice that carried throughout the room. "He's a nice enough guy, but that's the last time he's getting a drink in here. Bernie, grab him, will you? Before he slides off the stool and lands on his empty head."

She came around from behind the bar, deputized one of her regulars to cover for her, and the two of us each got an arm under one of his and walked him out the door. He was a big guy, but she was a big girl, and must have had muscles even if they didn't show the way his did. Between the two of us, we had surprisingly little trouble walking him down the block and around the corner. There was a narrow alley on 37th Street, running between a pair of apartment buildings; I'd spotted it while on the prowl, and that's where we took him now.

Some of the city's native fauna scuttled out from among the garbage cans when we maneuvered him to the rear of the alley. We got maybe three-fourths of the way there, turned him around, and gave him a light shove, and he landed on his rear end and clunked his head on the brick wall. He wound up sprawled there, his oversized jaw slack, with drool leaking out of the side of his mouth.

"Jesus, what a charmer," she said.

I bent over him, came up with his wallet. Without thinking I scooped out the bills, gave half to her, and stuck the rest in my pocket. "He got drunk," I explained, "and passed out in an alley, and some lowlife rolled him." She looked at the money for a moment, then put it away, while I went through his wallet looking for a current address. His driver's license had him living on 40th just off Lexington, and he'd renewed it less than a year ago, so it was probably current. I was going to write it down, but it was easier to take the license along with me, and while I was at it I took his credit cards.

That brought a raised eyebrow from Sigrid. "I'm not going to use them," I said, "but he won't know that, will he? He'll have to go through the hassle of calling the card companies."

"Good," she said. "Look at him, the misogynistic son of a bitch. I could kick him in the balls and he wouldn't even feel it. Or would he?" She decided to find out, and the result of the experiment was inconclusive. He groaned, but didn't really stir.

"He'll feel it when he wakes up," I said.

"God, I hope so. Look at him, will you? He makes an almost perfect picture. It's just a shame he didn't puke on himself." She thought a moment, said, "Well, I can fix that," and stuck a finger down her throat, anointing him generously with the missing element.

"Adolescent bulimia," she explained. "I outgrew it years ago, but you never forget how. Like falling off a bicycle."

"Or drowning."

"Exactly. I'd better get back to Parsifal's before Barry gives away the store." She pinched my cheek. "You're cute. It's a shame you're not twenty years older."

"I'm aging as fast as I can."

"You haven't got an uncle with a roving eye, have you? Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you. That noise when we first walked into the alley, sort of something scuttling away? Was that rats?"

"I'm afraid so."

"Good," she said. "Let's hope they're hungry."

The lock on William Johnson's front door was nothing special, but for some reason it gave me a hard time. Working away at it, I wondered why I hadn't had the sense to fish his keys out of his pocket while I was rolling him. It certainly would have made things easier.

Once I was inside, my first thought was that I was too late, that someone somehow had beaten me to it. The apartment, a large L-shaped studio, looked as though it had been lately tossed by a team who'd taken the verb literally, picking up everything mobile and flinging it somewhere. It would have been just one more coincidence to add to the string, and it took a few minutes to realize that I was Johnson's first and only illicit visitor. The place was a mess because that's the way he kept it. Maybe, I thought, he hadn't meant any harm when he dumped Barbara's jewelry drawer on the floor. Maybe he wasn't vandalizing the place after all. Maybe he was helping her redecorate.

The state of the place made my task harder than it might have been. It's not easy to look for something when you have to include the floor among the places to be searched. Nor, oddly, is it as easy to leave things as you found them, because how can you tell when they're back where they belong?

I did the best I could, and didn't linger. According to Sigrid, he'd wound up with a double dose of Rohypnol, with the capsules intended for both Claire and Audrey somehow winding up in his glass. It had certainly been enough to knock him cold, but who knew how long he'd stay that way? I wanted to be gone before he came back.

On my way out, I took time to pick his lock again, leaving that too as I'd found it. It was quicker the second time, but would have been quicker still with his key. Then again, I consoled myself, if I'd taken his keys he'd have missed them, and might have suspected that whoever had taken them would head straight for his apartment.

I walked for a block or two, buoyant with the heady sensation I get from illegal entry. It was cool enough so that I stuck my hands in my pockets for warmth, and realized I still had his credit cards. I was going to throw them away, but I decided that would be wasteful. Just because I wasn't inclined to run around charging DVD players and iBooks to Wee Willie Johnson, why should I deprive some other citizen of the pleasure?

I left the cards here and there, out in plain sight, where whoever came along could pick one up and do as he pleased with it. A person with a conscience as overdeveloped as Johnson's upper body could seek out the card's owner and return it. One who was merely honest could simply leave it where it lay. And a truly enterprising individual, a passerby with energy and the will to better himself, would max out that card as quickly as possible.

When the cab stopped for me, I would have loved to go straight home and call it a night. Instead I gave the driver an address on Park Avenue that turned out to be between 62nd and 63rd.

The building I wanted was a fully serviced luxury apartment house, with a concierge on the front desk and an attendant in the elevator. The only way to get into a building like that is through subterfuge; ideally, you find a bona fide tenant to invite you in, and make a little detour on your way out. That's hard to arrange on the spot in the middle of the night, and I hadn't had time to set anything up. I was, God help me, on the prowl again, and I didn't see any way to avoid it if I was going to make this work.

Fortunately, I didn't have to get past the desk, or take the elevator anywhere. On either side of the building's entrance was a staircase descending a flight to a suite of basement offices, all of them occupied by members of the medical profession. The one I wanted was on the left, and if I got down the stairs I'd be all right. No one at street level could see me while I worked on the lock, and I couldn't believe there would be a burglar alarm on the door.

What there was, and I could even see the goddam thing, was a security camera. I didn't care what wound up on the tape, because no one would look at it unless a crime was committed. I planned on committing one-I'd do so the minute I opened the door, and might even fit the definition of criminal trespass when I went down the stairs for no legitimate reason. But if all went well no one would know I'd been there, so why review the night's tapes?

The danger lay in being caught in the act, which could happen if the concierge was looking at the closed-circuit TV monitor on his desk while I was passing in front of the camera. They don't sit there and stare at it by the hour, they'd go nuts if they did, but all it takes is a glance at just the wrong time, and they pick up the phone and call 911, and another hapless burglar gets free room and board as a guest of the governor.