Lawrence Block - Tanner’s Virgin

His face had just begun to register the fact that he hadn’t been shot when I took the other fake pistol, the cast-iron one, and bounced it off the side of his head.

I turned to Julia. She stood motionless and open-mouthed, a bronze casting entitled “Astonishment.” “Get into the hall,” I said. “You want to know where the shot came from; it sounded as though it came from upstairs. Remember what a fine actress you are. Hurry!”

She did a good job. I locked the door behind her and listened to the hubbub outside while I got Mr. Hyphen properly trussed up. There was a substantial stuffed chair with molded wooden arms. I wrestled him into it and used a roll of picture-hanging wire to fasten him in place, his arms to the chair’s arms, his feet to its legs, and the rest of him to the back and seat of it. I was in a hurry, and that sort of work isn’t my favorite diversion anyway – I can’t wrap a Christmas present properly, let alone a person. So I don’t suppose I did the sort of job that would have left Houdini hamstrung, but that wasn’t the idea. I just wanted this clown to stay in one place while I asked him questions.

Outside, the turmoil gradually peaked and died down. No police showed up, and the crowd was comprised chiefly of whores and clients, none of whom were too keen on interfering in anything. I heard Suzette say something about filthy bleeding Russians, but I don’t think anyone paid very much attention to her. When it all died down, Julia knocked softly on the door and I let her in.

“There were blanks in the gun,” she said.

“You didn’t know?”

“How would I have known? Lord, that was a wrench, wasn’t it? Has my hair suddenly turned gray?”

“No.”

“That’s remarkable. I think he’s coming awake, Evan.”

He was indeed. His eyes went in turn to his bonds, to me, to Julia. He tried unsuccessfully to rock the chair. He looked at Julia again. “Effing little bitch,” he said. “I thought you were too bloody good to be true.”

I told Julia to take a taxi home. She told me not to be silly, that she was as anxious as I to hear what he had to say. I said that Nigel would worry about her, and she said that Nigel was at the theater.

“You may not enjoy this,” I said.

“Oh, but I will, Evan.”

What’s-his-name looked up at me. “Evans, eh? And a good day to you, Mr. Evans.” He didn’t sound much upset. “Wha’d you shoot me with?”

“A blank.”

“An effing blank.” He laughed. “That’s a good one. I’ll remember that one, I will.”

I pulled a card chair up and sat down in front of him. “You’ll have to remember quite a few things. Your name, to start with.”

“Wyndham-Jones, Mr. Evans.”

“Not Smythe-Carson?”

“Who’s he, Mr. Evans?”

I closed my eyes for a moment. Then I said, “There are some things you’ll have to tell me. I’m not interested in you at all, just in your information. There was an American girl named Phaedra Harrow. You may have known her as Deborah Horowitz.” I showed him her picture. “I want to know where she is and what’s happened to her.”

“Glad to oblige,” he said cheerfully. “Let’s have another look at the picture.” His eyes narrowed in concentration. Then he smiled. “Don’t know as I can help you, Mr. Evans. Never saw her before in me life, not the least bit familiar. Names don’t ring a bell either, sorry to say.”

I let him have the gun butt on his left cheekbone. His head flew to the side. I heard Julia suck in her breath, but He Who Got Slapped didn’t make a sound. The smile came back and the same flat cold light glinted in his eyes. He said, “Two or three hours, I’ll have a ruddy great bruise there. All blue and purple it’ll be.”

“The girl.”

“Still don’t know her, Mr. Evans. Me memory’s no better.”

I swung the gun backhand and caught him on the right cheekbone. I knew he’d ride with it, so I made it harder. “Now they’ll match,” I said.

“Oh, I’ll be the pretty one.”

“I can stand this longer than you can.”

“Oh, can you now?” His lips tightened and his voice turned harder. “You effing bastard, I’ve taken dumpings from professionals. You haven’t the stuff to kill me, and you’d have to do that to learn the first bloody thing about your little American twist. I’ll sit here and take it while you puke at the horror of it all.”

I hefted the gun. He didn’t even wince. I stood up, turned to Julia. She was standing near the door and looked vulnerable. It was senseless. We had the son of a bitch tied up, and he was in control of the situation while Julia looked vulnerable and I felt impotent. I took a few deep breaths and concentrated on visions of a naked Phaedra being tortured and burned at the stake. I was trying to work up some genuine fury, and it just didn’t come off. That sort of reaction either happens or it doesn’t. You can’t think it into existence.

So to Julia I said, “You see the problem? You pinpointed it earlier. I’m just not the menacing type. I don’t ooze brutality. I’ve got a bad image.”

“Evan-”

“Now if it was me in the chair and this clown asking the questions, he wouldn’t have to lay a hand on me. One good glower from Hyphen here and I’d sing like a goddamned roomful of castrati.” I thought for a moment. “Go home,” I told her. “You don’t want to see this.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Go home. Now.”

She shook her head.

“Horrible image,” I mused. I left the room and wandered through the rest of the flat. I had wondered what sort of person would live in a whorehouse, and the other rooms answered the question for me. A whore lived there, and Hyphen had borrowed her place for the evening. There was female clothing in the closets, messy cosmetic tubes and jars and bottles scattered in the bedroom and bathroom. In the kitchen I fumbled through drawers until I found something that was a sort of cross between a regular knife and a meat cleaver. I think it’s used for chopping up heads of lettuce.

I got a roll of adhesive tape from the bathroom cabinet and tore off eight or ten six-inch strips, fastening them together to make a square patch. I returned to the front room. He was as I had left him.

“Last chance,” I said. He told me what to do to myself, and I fastened the patch of tape over his mouth.

“What’s that, Evan?”

“A gag. So he won’t scream.”

I bent a loose end of picture wire back and forth until it frayed. The piece was long enough to wrap around the index finger of his right hand five times, and while I was doing that Julia asked me what it was.

“A tourniquet,” I said.

“What is it for?”

“So he won’t bleed when I cut off his finger. Go in the other room, Julia. You don’t have to go home if you don’t want to, but please get the hell out of here.”

She went. I caught a glimpse of her face on the way out. She looked slightly nauseous. I picked up the cleaver and looked at Hyphen. For the first time his eyes had lost that maddening assurance.

I said, “You think I’m bluffing but you’re not certain. You can gamble, but if you’re wrong it’ll cost you a finger. Ready to talk?”

He nodded. I yanked the gag off. “Last chance,” I said. “Make it good.”

“You’d cut off a bloke’s finger.”

“Yes.”

“Undo that wire, mate. Me whole finger’s throbbing.”

“Talk.”

He sighed heavily. “It’s a fiddle I’ve got. A smuggling fiddle, the birds do the smuggling. A perfect blanket, six lonely birds looking at bleeding tombs.”

“Go on.”

“I could do with a cigarette, mate.”

“You could do without one. You took the girl along. Then what happened?”