Lawrence Block: The Burglar in the Library

“Entirely possible,” I agreed. “Maybe they’re a natural consequence of the synergistic effect of getting crowned with a camel seconds after you’ve died of a heart attack. What about Wolpert?”

“Wolpert?”

“The second man you killed.”

“Didn’t I already explain how that was suicide? First time around I thought it was Rathburn’s death he was feeling guilty about-”

“But it couldn’t have been, because you’re the one who killed Rathburn.”

“Well, I was there when he died. I’ll admit that much, although I still think it was a heart attack that finished him. What Wolpert was feeling guilty about was cutting the bridge ropes so that the boy genius did his Wile E. Coyote impression and tried to walk on air.”

“And he tried to hang himself, then wandered outside and died of shock and exposure.”

“You got it. Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

“I’ll tell you what happened,” I said. “Gordon Wolpert never had any doubt what happened to Rathburn. He kept it to himself and bided his time before he made his pitch to you. What did he want? The same thing Rathburn was after?”

“If he was planning anything, he never followed through with it. There were a couple of times I noticed him giving me the eye, as if he wanted to tell me something, but he never got around to it. And then the next thing I knew he was out there on the third lawn chair this morning, dead as a doornail.”

I looked at my watch again. Where were they when you wanted them?

“I saw you,” Millicent Savage said suddenly.

“Huh?”

“Talking to Mr. Wolpert,” the little darling insisted. “And you said something about meeting him later. I heard you say it.”

“That’s crap,” he said, disgusted. “There was nobody within earshot.” He realized what he’d said, then made a face and shrugged and gave up. “Oh, the hell with it,” he said. “I could spin it out a little more, but what’s the point? I thought we could work something out, like you’d all go along with it for a share of the bonds, but there’s too many of you and somebody’d be sure to hold out. Anyway, why share? I don’t have to share.”

And he pulled out a gun.

Don’t ask me what kind of gun it was. Guns make me nervous-people keep them in drawers so that they can shoot burglars with them, and I’m opposed to that-so I’ve never taken the trouble to learn anything much about them. I could tell that this one was an automatic, not a revolver, and that was about all I could tell. I could also tell that it was big (though probably not as big as it looked) and that it was pointed at me.

“Nobody move,” Littlefield said.

Nobody did.

“You’re right,” he said. “I killed them both, and I don’t know why you had to make a federal case out of it, because they both asked for it. Rathburn thought I was somebody else, and I couldn’t manage to stall the son of a bitch. I didn’t mean to kill him, not at first, but then when I switched a light on and saw him lying there I got a look at the library steps and saw how easy it would be to make it look like an accident. But that would only work if he was dead, so I picked up the pillow and put him out of my misery.”

“And Wolpert?”

“He knew I’d killed Rathburn. I don’t think he even knew what it was Rathburn wanted from the guy who never showed up, but he saw an opportunity to do himself some good by putting the squeeze on me. I tried fencing with him, but the little bastard was pretty slick. Before I knew it he’d managed to worm out of me that I had a briefcase full of stolen bonds, and he was all set to cut himself in.”

“Until you cut him out instead.”

“I lost my temper,” he said. “That’s the same thing that happened with Rathburn, when you come right down to it.”

“But you didn’t grab a camel this time around.”

“What I grabbed was his necktie,” he said. “Grabbed one end of it in each hand and pulled until his face got purple. I couldn’t figure out what to do with him, so I took him outside and parked him on a lawn chair and threw a sheet over him. I didn’t figure anyone would notice.”

“You didn’t figure anyone would notice?”

“Well, maybe I wasn’t thinking too clearly. It was late and I’d had a hell of a day, plus I’d helped myself to a couple of glasses of that Drum stuff. And I didn’t write it down in the book, either, Nigel. I’m afraid your honor system doesn’t work too well with guys like me.” He gestured sharply with the gun. “Hold it right there, Colonel. That’s as close as you get if you don’t want a bullet.”

I glanced at my watch again. Keep him talking, I thought. “Speaking of bullets,” I said, “I’m surprised you brought a gun along on your honeymoon. Your wife probably thought you were just glad to see her.”

“Funny,” he said. “The gun belonged to Wolpert. I took it off him when I dragged his body outside. He never got the chance to use it, but I’m in a different position.”

“You’re not wearing a necktie.”

“And I’ve got the gun in my fist already, and it’s got a full clip and a live round in the chamber. It’s a thirteen-shot clip, so you can do the math yourselves. If anybody makes a move I start shooting. I’ll shoot the men first, and if I run out of bullets toward the end I’ll finish the rest of you by hand. I never planned on killing anybody, but I already killed two people and if I have to knock off the rest of you I’ll do it. What the hell are you looking at, Lettice?”

“My God,” she said, aghast. “I married you!”

“And we both know why,” he said, sneering. “You thought you were getting a rich husband, because I always had plenty of money to throw around. Well, this is how I get it. I steal it.”

“Are you going to kill me, too, Dakin?”

“I’m not going to kill anybody unless I have to,” he said. “What I want to do is figure out a way to get out of here with the bonds, and with enough lead time so that I’m in the clear before anybody can call the cops. The phone lines are out, so you can’t call anybody, but if I walk down to where I can ford the stream, somebody else can do the same thing after me, and it wouldn’t take you long to get to a phone that works.”

He paused, thinking it through, and I listened and heard something in the silence. At first I could just barely make it out, but then it got a little louder.

“I’ll need a hostage,” he said. “If I’ve got somebody with me, you’ll have to stay back, won’t you?”

“I’ll be your hostage,” the colonel said.

“You? Jesus, that’s just what I need is a fat old blimp with a stiff upper lip to drag around over hill and dale. If you didn’t drop dead from the exertion you’d be looking for a way to get the jump on me. No, the kid’ll be my hostage.”

“You son of a bitch,” Greg Savage said. He took a step forward, and Littlefield swung the gun in his direction.

“Not so fast,” he said. “I’m taking her with me, whether I have to shoot you first or not. Listen to me, people. If you all cooperate, everybody gets out of this alive. All you have to do…What’s that noise?”

“Noise?” I said.

“Dammit, Rhodenbarr-”

“You mean that pocketa-pocketa-pocketa? Sounds like a helicopter to me.”

“A helicopter.”

“And it sounds as though it’s coming right here. I wonder who it could be.”

“How did-”

“It seems to be landing on the front lawn,” I said. Maybe it’s Mr. Pettisham, full of apologies for having been delayed. Maybe it’s Ed McMahon, Littlefield, to tell you you’ve won the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes. You’ll be a rich man even if you have to give the bonds back. My God, man, it’s your lucky day.”