Lawrence Block - The Burglar in the Library

Once they were done checking the bedrooms and had begun the process of searching for me on the ground floor, it was my turn to return the favor and give their rooms a toss. I’d gone door-to-door in much the same fashion many years ago, when a fellow named Louis Lewis sold me a passkey that would open every room in the old Taft Hotel. I’d considered spacing my visits over a week or two, hitting a half-dozen rooms each time, but this was a while ago, and the fires of youth burned in my blood. I was impatient. I wanted instant gratification, and I didn’t want to wait for it, either.

So I booked a room at the Taft under a name selected for the occasion and let a bellhop bring my two large suitcases to my room. I checked in at three in the afternoon and checked out at seven the following morning, and by the time I left I’d been in more rooms than the Gideon Bible. The Taft was a huge hotel, and there was no way to hit every room, but I did my best. I’d go up to a door, knock gently, wait a moment, knock again, and then let myself in. It doesn’t take long to search a hotel room-the occupants haven’t been there long enough to build up an accumulation of clutter-so it’s just a matter of checking the drawers and closet, going through the luggage, and dipping into the pockets of clothes in the closet.

More often than not there was nothing to take. But here and there I found jewelry, some of it worth lifting, and here and there I found cash. During the early-evening hours most of the rooms I hit were empty, but as the night wore on guests came back to the hotel and turned in for the night. Some growled at my knock, or came to the door; a simple apology sent them back to bed. Others didn’t hear me knocking, nor did they hear me open their doors and pad softly around their carpeted floors. My visits were briefer when the occupants were in, but they were also more profitable, because if they were home so were their purses and wallets. I didn’t have to look hard to find them, either.

Then back to my room to stow my prizes. Then off, passkey in hand, eager as a kid on Christmas morning, wondering what the next pretty package would hold.

Ah, youth! When I left the next morning I’d jettisoned the phone books that had given my suitcases a feeling of respectable substance, and I’d filled both bags with well-gotten gains. I don’t know how I wound up after I’d tallied the cash and fenced the rest of the swag, and I’m sure it didn’t add up to what I’d expect to net nowadays from a single halfway decent stamp or coin collection, but it was a decent night’s work all the same. And I felt like a hero, a veritable superman of burglars. I’d pulled not one job but dozens of jobs, one right after the other.

Of course, it’s not all that tricky when you’ve got a key.

I didn’t have a key this time, and it would have speeded things up, no question about it. No matter how quick you are with your picks and probes, a key makes it quicker. Still, a couple of guests had leveled the playing fields for me a bit by neglecting to lock their doors. I was grateful, if a touch bemused. It’s nice, I suppose, to go about assuming one’s fellow guests are as honest as oneself, but doesn’t the illusion get harder to maintain when people are getting bumped off left and right? I suppose a properly brought up murderer will still draw the line at entering another person’s private quarters, but even so…

I went about my work. I had to remind myself not to steal-old habits die hard-but the situation was urgent enough to keep me pretty well focused on the business at hand. I made sure I stayed a floor away from the rest of them, and I ducked out of sight when I heard someone on the stairs. When they were all on the ground floor I had a quick look at the servants’ quarters up above. A little later, when I looked out the window and saw them heading down the path toward the fallen bridge, I seized the moment and made a foray into a couple of rooms on the ground floor.

I came out of the Eglantine apartment knowing I wasn’t going to have much more time. It was cold out, and they’d been in too much of a hurry to bundle up, so they’d want to get back inside the house as soon as possible. I was counting on it, as a matter of fact; the more uncomfortable they were out there, the less time they’d waste on a good look at the late Bernard Grimes Rhodenbarr.

But I wanted a look at those lawn chairs.

The voices had been too muffled earlier for me to tell what had excited them, though I suspected it might be the lawn chairs out behind the house. Was there a fresh corpse on one of those chairs? And, if so, whose was it?

I found my way to the sunroom. Through its windows I saw the three chairs, and I could tell I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed. The snow was tamped down all around them, and the snow-covered sheets that shrouded them had been removed.

But, alas, they’d been replaced. They weren’t covered with snow now, but they still hid the chairs’ contents from view.

Three bodies. I could tell that much, given a good look in decent light. But who was the latest victim?

All I had to do was go out and have a look. But I could already hear them on their way back to the house, all talking at once, their voices a discordant blur. By the time I got out the door and ran over to the chairs and had a look-

No time.

I raced for the stairs.

Back in Young George’s Room, which I found myself regarding less and less as Jonathan Rathburn’s and more and more as my own, I sat on the edge of the bed and tried to figure out what to do next. I had a pad of paper in front of me and I had drawn a rough diagram, with a lot of circles and X’s and arrows. It was supposed to represent how the sequence of killings had taken place, and a look at my handiwork suggested that the killer must have been a geometry teacher. No one else could have made sense of it.

When I wasn’t looking at the diagram or off into space, I was checking my watch. Sooner or later I was going to have to leave my comfy little hiding place and show my face in the world, or at least in the more populated regions of Cuttleford House. I’d bought some time by faking my own death, and I’d spent some of it to good effect in my room-by-room tour of the place. Now I had all the data I was likely to get, and I had things figured out.

Well, almost figured out.

Sort of.

And now it seemed to me that timing was critical. I didn’t want to make my move too early, nor did I want to leave it too late. After breakfast, say, but before they’d all scattered to different parts of the house. And certainly before anyone could take it into his head to leave.

Tricky.

So I kept glancing at my watch, and an ineffectual gesture it was, since I couldn’t have told you what time I was waiting for it to be. And then, just sitting there like that, it became evident to me that I wasn’t going to be able to allow myself the relative luxury of waiting until it was time to leave.

I needed to go to the bathroom.

Well, it happens, for God’s sake. It never happens in Agatha Christie’s books, and I can’t recall it ever posing a problem for an earthy guy like Philip Marlowe, either, but that’s not a whole lot of consolation when the necessity arises.

It had arisen before, you’re probably thinking, and I dealt with it, if not elegantly, at least effectively. Couldn’t I just do again as I did before? And, preferably, without talking about it?

Believe me, I’d just as soon not talk about it. And, not to put too fine a point on it, let me just state that the function I needed to perform was different in kind from the previous instance, and that the shoe-and-window number simply would not do at all.

I’ve thought about this since, and it seems to me that one’s behavior in such a situation varies with the direness of one’s circumstances. If I’d been hiding from the Nazis in war-torn Belgium, say, I’d have fouled my nest and learned to live with it. But I just wasn’t that desperate. I didn’t know who might be lurking in the hallway outside my door, but I could be fairly sure it wasn’t the Gestapo.