Andy McNab - Bravo Two Zero

I didn’t know how long it lasted, but it seemed like a lifetime. There was gunfire in the distance, and of fleets came running to try and control the soldiers, who in turn were trying to control the crowd. It was so ironic to be protected by the same jundies who an hour ago had been stubbing out their cigarettes on our necks. Then they were the bastards; now they were the saviors.

I heard Dinger retaliating. I knew we should be trying to play the useless being that’s not even worth worrying about. But we were tuned in to this drama now; we had got used to it, and it was getting on our tits. The time had come to do something about it.

I gave the old girls the evil eye, and they waded in. I went down on the floor under a flurry of slaps and scratching, and two soldiers moved in to pick me up. Still on my knees, I looked up at one of them and said, “Fuck you, you ugly bitch!” They understood what I meant; the translation was in my eyes. It was not a good move. The jundies picked me up. I shoved them off and said “Fuck you!” again. I didn’t give a shit now what they did; I was demolished anyway. But they’d suffered loss of face, so they had to give me the good news to restore their credibility.

I remembered a lecture we’d had from an American POW just before we left Hereford. He had been an aviator at the time of the Vietnam War, after transferring from the Marine Corps. His Marine training had been that the harder you are and the more aggressive you are if you’re captured, the sooner your captors will leave you alone. He stood there in front of us hardened cynics at Hereford, crying his eyes out as he told us about the five years he had been a prisoner of the Viet Cong.

“What a load of shit,” he said. “The unbelievable nightmares and pain I went through because I really believed what I’d been taught.”

And I was doing exactly what he’d told us not to do. But you can’t just do nothing. Pride and credibility are at stake. I was suffering a massive loss of dignity and self-respect, and I couldn’t take any more. I knew it was totally counterproductive, I knew it wouldn’t pay off, but God it felt good. For one split second I was back on top, and that was all that mattered. I was not a commodity, I was not a bag of shit, I was Andy Me Nab.

The squad dies were giggling as we drove back to camp. They’d had a wonderful day out and were happy to leave me to my own devices on my hands and knees in a corner of the pickup, bleeding and gasping for breath as they smoked and laughed and relived the battle. I was rather pleased that it was over and done with and I hadn’t been shot.

It was more or less last light when we got back inside the gates, and they didn’t bother replacing the blindfold as they dragged me towards the single-story barrack block.

There were five beds around the edge of the room. The blokes didn’t seem to have lockers or any personal kit. All they had were the beds, with blankets on top-commercial, fluffy blankets with pictures of tigers and weird and wonderful patterns. On top of the blankets was their belt kit. Everything pointed to this being a transit camp rather than a permanent barracks.

The only light was from a paraffin heater in the center of the room. As it flickered, shadows flew around the room. It was beautifully warm-the sort of warmth that immediately makes you tired and sleepy. It was a warmth that I recognized. Even the shadows were familiar. A nice, comfortable, secure feeling washed over me. I was back at my Aunty Nell’s in Catford. I loved going there as a kid. She had a big three-bed roomed semi that she ran as a B amp;B. Compared with my family’s flat, to me it was a hotel. At night Aunty Nell would put the paraffin heater in my room to warm it through. I’d lie there in bed, nine years old and blissfully happy, watching the shadows dance on the wallpaper, looking forward to the next day’s meals. Aunty Nell used milk with the cereals instead of the hot water and a dash of Carnation I was used to, and she cooked packets of Vesta curry for her B amp;B guests. If my uncle reported that I had been a good boy, I used to be fed one as well.

The old boy, George, was a keen gardener. He had a massive garden with a shed at the bottom where I’d play. He was a crafty old bugger. He’d say to me: “Start digging around here, Andy lad, and you can count how many worms there are. We need to know how many worms there are so we can work out how good the mud is.”

I’d be digging away, a boy with a mission, and he’d be sitting there drinking tea in his deck chair laughing his head off. I never saw through it. I used to think it was great, counting the worms for my Uncle George.

I was left alone with my thoughts for twenty minutes or so, one hand cuffed to a metal fixture on the wall. I tried to get comfortable, but the cuffs worked on a ratchet-if you moved the wrong way they would tighten up even more. I got into a semi lying position, the hand defying gravity at an angle of 45 degrees.

I carried out a damage assessment. My whole body was aching, and I was worried I might have broken bones. My legs were the main concern. They were hurting badly, and I knew they couldn’t carry me any more. I checked the bones one by one, starting off with my feet, looking for deformities, making sure there was movement. Everything seemed Okay. There was a good chance nothing was broken.

I was breathing through crusted blood and dust and snot, and every time I blew to clear it the bleeding started again. I was badly cut. My face was swollen, my lips split, and every exposed area of skin was lacerated. Now that I actually had time to draw breath and think about it, my whole body was starting to sting. The scrapes were far more painful than the cuts. The framework, however, was still intact. The injuries were just muscular with cuts and bruises. I was weak and exhausted, but I’d still get up and run for it if the chance came.

I had been trying to gather as much information as I could to keep myself orientated. I went over what I’d seen and exactly where I was. I was annoyed that I hadn’t done a better job of it. I had been looking down too much when I should have been taking it all in. If I escaped and got past the gate, which way would I go? Would I turn left or right, or go straight? Which way was west? If I got out the back way, what then? How far inside the town was the camp? I’d need to get out of the built-up area as soon as possible. It was something I should have been checking as we drove out, but like a dickhead I’d let myself be distracted by the crowd. I was quite pissed off with myself for my lack of professionalism.

I went through the scenarios. The process was part fact and part fantasy. Fact because I was doing what you’re supposed to do-appreciations on how you’re going to get out. Fantasy because I was imagining me actually getting out and turning right, imagining what I would see and what would be behind me. I wanted to escape.

I looked around the room. Above me was a window. Only one of the sections was clear; the rest were boarded up where they had been smashed, or perhaps to stop the sun coming in. I could hear the soldiers mooching around outside, and in the middle distance there was shouting. The voices just outside the window were low and quiet, a mumble from no more than 20 or 30 feet away, and underneath the veranda, as if they’d been told to stand there and talk to make me flap.

I hoped Dinger was getting the same treatment as me because it was all rather nice sitting there on the carpet. It felt wonderful to be on my own. I felt quite happy and content in the dark, watching the warm glow of the paraffin heater and inhaling the familiar fumes. There were no hassles, just me on my lonesome with my hand pinned to the wall. It was real prime time.

I started to think about the patrol. Had the others been caught? Were they dead? Did Dinger know anything about them? Was I going to get the chance to speak to him?