Lucy Monroe - Satisfaction Guaranteed

Then she’d met Alan and assumed that finally, her intense emotions would have a safe outlet. It was okay to love him, to need him. He’d said so. Only she’d mistaken his sexual desire for her for a matching strength of emotion. When he talked about need, he didn’t mean the soul-deep need she had to belong to someone else and have them belong to her.

He meant sex…and maybe the occasional moment of comfort. Not a daily living of two closely joined halves of the same whole. She’d discovered her error as their relationship progressed, but she’d hidden from the knowledge. He hadn’t wanted her to make emotional demands on him any more than her parents had and the aborted wedding had been the ultimate object lesson in that regard.

She’d woken up in a pain-filled hurry on her wedding day and had refused to hide from the truth any longer. Once her eyes were open to reality, she’d realized immediately that she wasn’t capable of settling for something less than her dream. It wouldn’t have been fair to either of them and she’d stood beside her decision even when he pleaded with her to give them another chance.

But she’d recognized that what she needed might not be out there and rather than be hurt again, she’d pulled away from any male-female involvement at all. Her fantasies about Ethan had helped her to do that, but now he was telling her that even her sensuality was too intense and that made her angry.

What was so wrong with her that she had to withhold part of herself and disguise her needs from the important people in her life to be accepted by them? Even a casual lover wanted her to keep the sex low-key.

Part of her knew that was for the sake of the case, but her heart didn’t seem to care about the reasoning behind it. It still felt like rejection. And she was so tired of being rejected for who and what she was.

When this case was over, she was going to stop trying to find a place for herself in her parents’ world…in Ethan’s world. Maybe there wasn’t a white picket fence waiting for her in some small town in Iowa-and that wasn’t exactly what she wanted anyway-but there had to be a place she fit better than the life she was living right now.

Ethan came out of the bathroom fully dressed. He hadn’t wanted to risk the temptation of taking Beth back to bed. He’d kind of hoped she would be asleep, but she wasn’t. She was ironing, a local newscast playing at low volume on the television behind her.

“The weather looks good for the drive.”

She didn’t look at him, but hung her blazer over the back of a chair. “Yes. I’ll just take my shower.”

He felt a wall between them as if it was made of solid brick. It felt so real, he was surprised he could see her through it.

She walked past him without looking up.

He put his hand on her arm. “Beth.”

She looked at him then, but for once, he couldn’t read a single thing in her normally expressive dark eyes. “What?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. Why shouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, but you seem…” He didn’t know how to explain it. “Like you’re separated from me.”

A mocking smile curved her lips. “We are separate, Ethan. You are you and I am me and we are not a unit.”

“We’re a team on this mission.”

“Yes.”

Her agreement didn’t alleviate his sense of separation at all. “We need to work together.”

“I never said we didn’t.”

“Are you sure you are okay? Are you offended I touched you in your sleep?”

“No. I’m not offended. It was wild waking up that turned on, if you want the truth.” Then she laughed. “You really should have been born to my parents and vice versa. I have a feeling the fit would have been perfect.”

“I fit in just fine with the folks back home.” It wasn’t precisely true, but he wouldn’t trade his family for the world.

Something moved in her dark eyes, but he couldn’t read it either. “Maybe I’m just the one who doesn’t have a place to fit.”

“What brought this on, Sunshine? You fit this case so well that Whit assigned you as the contact even though you aren’t a full-fledged agent.”

She shook her head. “Don’t worry about it, Ethan. Really. I’d really like to take a shower now though.” She tugged on her arm, but he couldn’t let go.

“You fit your life just fine.”

“Whatever you say.” She didn’t roll her eyes, but it was there in her tone. “Can I go now?”

“Look, if something is bothering you, we need to talk about it.”

She sighed, the sound pure feminine irritation.

And he found it adorable. What the heck was the matter with him? “Come on, Beth. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

She shrugged with one shoulder. “I’ve decided that after this assignment, I’ll be turning in my resignation and looking for a job outside of D.C., or any other big city for that matter. I’m ready to move on.”

“Fainting from your orgasm made you decide that?”

She stared at him, her expression easily read this time. She looked like she thought he’d lost more than one of his marbles. “No. Having a climax that sent me into a dead faint is not what made me decide this.” She laughed and he felt foolish. “Why I made the choice doesn’t matter. Only that I made it. One thing you’ve taught me, Ethan, is that I need to live my life, not daydream about it anymore.”

He liked hearing that, but not what it had led her to. Inexplicable panic welled inside of him and it was all he could do to hide it from her. “Living is good, but you don’t have to move away from everyone who matters to you to start doing it.”

“Yes, I do.”

He didn’t have an answer for the certainty in her tone. He didn’t have any rights where she was concerned.

But something this morning had triggered her desire to build a new life. And if he was responsible in any way, he wanted to know. Or maybe, she’d just now realized it, but nothing this morning had actually prompted the revelation. He was being awfully conceited to assume anything she’d done with him had set off anything life changing for her.

All they’d done was had sex and while it had been a little too earth shaking for his comfort, he didn’t think great sex was going to send her scurrying away to a new life. Unless she was worried she was starting to care for him.

He knew she didn’t want that.

He didn’t want it either. He wasn’t ready to settle down and he doubted he’d ever be in a place to give Beth the kind of life she’d said she wanted. One that was safe and in which her husband was steady, dependable, and home every night.

He should leave well enough alone.

“Don’t go making any decisions right now.” He rubbed the back of his neck, a gesture his dad used when trying to figure out his mom or sister-but not one Ethan had ever used much before. “It’s a tense situation, you going into your first field case and all. Let yourself settle in. A lot of times, you’ll end up seeing things differently later.”

She shrugged again, her silky skin moving under his hand. “Whatever. Can I take my shower now?”

He didn’t like it that she wouldn’t agree with him or argue, that she simply wouldn’t engage. He didn’t figure he’d changed her mind, not one bit, but she didn’t want to talk it through with him. Why not? He was a friend, wasn’t he? “I’m here for you if you need to talk about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk out, but thank you for the offer.” She sounded so distant.

Her years attending private school and living the life enmeshed in the world of politics certainly showed right then. Standing there with her hair around her face in a wild tangle, her nightgown hinting at a body that drove him crazy and the scent of their lovemaking still clinging to her, she still managed to exude an aura of superior formality.