Lisa Kleypas - Give Me Tonight

"You have so many responsibilities. I wish I could make things easier for you. "

"I'll be fine." He groaned and rested his chin on the top of her head. "If only I didn't want you so much. I can't even look at you across the table without feeling this happen." He pulled her loins tighter into his, and she pressed her hot face into his neck, her heart racing.

"It's just as difficult for me."

"It's different for men, honey. Believe me."

"I'm sorry," she whispered with a smile.

"Addie!" came May's voice from inside the house, a signal they'd spent too much time alone on the porch.

"I'll be right in, Mama." Addie shifted away from Ben, knowing she had to leave him. She missed the warmth of his body as soon as they parted. In a sudden movement she reached out and pulled herself against him, her grip feverishly tight. "I can't let go of you."

“Addie, " he muttered, crushing her against his chest. She clung to him and welcomed the pain of it, needing to know that the violence of his love matched hers. "I want you every minute. I miss being with you. I want to hold you for hours." He bit her earlobe carefully and then buried his face in her hair. "One more kiss. And then go in the house."

Shivering, she offered her lips to him, and though the kiss started out tender, it ended in rough eagerness.

"Now, go," he said, though his heart was hungry for a few more minutes with her.

"Don't be distant with me tomorrow," she whispered. "When other people are around, you never look at me as if you love me."

"You wouldn't let me before. Remember? It wasn't my idea to keep our relationship a secret."

"I was uncertain about how I felt," she admitted. "Weren't you?"

"Never. I've known for a long time how I feel about you."

She felt overwhelmed by the knowledge of his love for her. It wasn't difficult to remember the days when she'd had no one but Leah. She remembered the rainy night when even Leah had been taken away from her. Now she had more than she'd ever dreamed of.

But like a shadow, the memories of Adeline crept through her mind, dark and indistinct, inescapable. For the rest of her life she would have that part of herself to contend with, and deep in the back of her mind there would always be an awareness of what she had once been. What had happened to make her that way? How could a daughter plot against her own father?

Suddenly she heard the echo of something Caroline had once said to her. "For a while I thought Daddy had finally done it-spoiled you rotten to the core. "

That's what I was, Addie thought with shame and despair. Rotten to the core. Oh, was there any way of making up for what she'd done? Guilt was a tangible pain in her chest.

"I don't deserve you," she said, and Ben's mouth twisted.

"Why in hell would you say that?"

"I've done terrible things in the past. Things I can never tell you about. I'm not half as good or kind as I should be, and-"

"I never expected you to be some plaster saint, Addie. And as for not deserving me, of all people… " He paused and grinned. "Let's just say it's more likely you do deserve me. It's possible I'm the punishment for your sins, and marriage to me will be your penance. Have you ever thought of that? Now, give me one more kiss and leave, or I won't be able to let you go."

Halfway irritated at his cavalier attitude toward her guilty conscience, she offered her cheek to him instead of her lips. Why, she'd been trying to unburden herself to him, and he was downright flippant about her worries!

Ben laughed softly as he lowered his mouth to her cheek and pressed a kiss there. "Why the sudden change in temperature? You were warm enough a minute ago."

"I was trying to tell you about my faults, and you just-"

"I don't care about your faults. The ones I already know about don't matter, and I'll discover the rest soon enough."

"I'm trying to warn you-"

"That you're not what you seem on the surface?"

He smiled and settled his hands at her waist, pulling her closer. "I know that, and a few other things as well. You like to misbehave sometimes… ah, that may be a fault of yours, Addie, but I happen to like it very much. And another one-in bed you're one of the greediest women I've ever known-"

"Ben!" she exclaimed, color flooding her face. "-but I happen to like that too. You have other faults which I enjoy equally. Should I continue or have I made my point?"

Addie pushed hard at his chest in an effort to break his hold on her. "You're being crude and-"

"Addie!" They heard May calling again, this time more insistent than before. "It's time to come in right now. "

"You heard her," Addie said impatiently. "Now, take your hands off me or we'll both get in trouble."

He grinned and kissed the tip of her nose. "That's a far cry from 'I can't let go of you.'" And he watched her with glowing eyes as she went into the house.

The next day Adeline discovered Diaz had left the ranch, despite his promise to talk to her before he went. No one could understand why she was so upset by his disappearance. When she started to complain to Ben as he strode out of Russell's office in the afternoon, he shrugged off Diaz's departure matter-of-factly.

"Most cowhands have to pick up and leave when they start to feel too settled-in. They're independent in a crazy way. They like to look out at the world from their saddles. The men out here can't stand any way of life that seems too civilized. They like things rough. They like their independence."

"What about you?" Addie demanded. "Are you going to pick up and leave when you start to feel shackled by a string of fences and a wedding band?"

"No, ma'am," he assured her promptly, his eyes twinkling. "I'm not your typical cowhand."

Her eyes made a pointed survey of his dirt-encrusted boots, worn-out Levi's, and blue cotton shirt. "You look pretty typical to me. How can I be sure you won't start to feel too settled-in and leave me?"

"Because I'm ready to belong somewhere. And I'd choose sleeping with you over bedding down on the trail any day of the week."

"Are you certain having a wife and a family of your own isn't too civilized for your taste?"

"Oh, I've always had a secret hankering for respectability. And I won't mind being thought of as a family man. Hell, Russ doesn't mind it."

"Yes, but he… " Addie bit her lip before blurting out that Russell wasn't quite the family man he seemed. Russell didn't share a bedroom with May, and in all likelihood he had a woman on the side. Nervously she cast a glance at the closed office door.

Ben seemed to understand. Casually he hooked an arm around her neck and lowered his mouth to her ear. "That won't happen to us," he murmured, and kissed her neck before letting his arm drop away from her.

Addie smiled uncertainly. "Well, considering the way you were brought up and your fancy eastern education, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to find a civilized streak in you."

"We're all going to be civilized out here, and it won't take long, either. Not with the railroad spreading as fast as it is."

"So you expect things to change around here?"

"Mmm-hmmmm. Everything, even the cattle we handle. Lately there's been a demand for better beef than what we're gathering in and trailing up to Kansas. Longhorns are easy to take care of, but they're tough and stringy. "

"Weren't you and Daddy talking about breeding them with some better stock? Some shorthorns with more meat on them?"

"A lot of ranchers are talking about that. The problem is, shorthorns need more care and attention, and most of the boys don't want to fool with them. And breeding shorthorns means more fencing, which means soon there'll be so much wire around the district you'll have to cut your way to town. So… " He cast a glance up and down the empty halls before leaning over and stealing a quick kiss from Addie. "… the open range will keep getting smaller and smaller. And the East is going to keep spreading out here. And with all those changes going on, cowmen will have to change their way of doing things."