Jonathan Kellerman: Obsession

“I sure hope so,” she said. “Last time I was a baby.”

Anthropologists say blond is attractive because so few towheads stay that way, it represents youth. Tanya’s yellow curls had relaxed to honey waves. She wore it long, gathered in a high knot held in place by black chopsticks.

No resemblance to Patty at all.

Why should there be?

We headed up the hallway. As we neared the office, Blanche stepped out. Shook herself, yawned, padded forward. I scooped her up.

“Now, this is different,” said Tanya. “The only livestock you had last time were those gorgeous fish.”

“They’re still here.”

She reached out to pet the dog, changed her mind.

“Her name is Blanche. She’s well beyond friendly and into gregarious.”

Tanya extended a cautious finger. “Hi, cutie.” A puppy shiver jelloed Blanche’s rotund little body. A moist black nose sniffed in Tanya’s direction. Meaty lips curled upward.

“Am I anthropomorphizing, Dr. Delaware, or is she smiling?”

“You’re not, she is.”

“ So cute.”

“I’ll put her back in her crate and we can get started.”

“A crate? Is that necessary?”

“It makes her feel more secure.”

She looked doubtful.

I said, “Think of a baby in a crib as opposed to rolling around in open space.”

“I guess,” she said, “but don’t banish her on my account. I love dogs.” She rubbed the top of Blanche’s head.

“Want to hold her?”

“I…if she’s okay with it.”

Blanche went along with the transfer with nary a twitch. Someone should study her brain chemistry and package it.

“She’s so warm-hey, cutie. Is she a pug?”

“French bulldog. If she gets too heavy-”

“Don’t worry, I’m stronger than I look.”

We settled in facing chairs.

“Comfy leather,” she said, stroking an arm. “That’s the same…” Looking down at Blanche. “Am I holding her correctly?”

“Perfect.”

She looked around the room. “Nothing in here has changed but the rest of the house is totally different. It used to be smaller. With wood sides, right? At first I didn’t think I had the right address.”

“We rebuilt a few years ago.” A psychopath had made the decision for us, torching everything we owned.

Tanya said, “It came out extremely stylish.”

“Thank you.”

“So,” she said. “Here I am.”

“Good to see you, Tanya.”

“Same here.” She looked around. “You probably think I should talk about Mommy’s death.”

“If you want to.”

“I really don’t , Dr. Delaware. I’m not in denial, it’s been a nightmare, I never thought I’d experience anything this horrifying. But I’m handling my grief as well as can be expected-does that sound like denial?”

“You’re the best judge of that, Tanya.”

“Well,” she said, “I really feel I am. I don’t bottle up my feelings. On the contrary, I cry. Oh, boy, I cry plenty. I still wake up every morning expecting to see her, but…”

Her eyes misted.

“It hasn’t been long,” I said.

“Sometimes it seems like yesterday . Sometimes, it’s as if she’s been gone forever…I suspected she was sick before she did.”

“She wasn’t feeling well?”

“She just wasn’t herself for a couple of weeks.”

Same thing Rick had said.

“Not that it stopped her from double-shifting or cooking or keeping up the house, but her appetite dropped and she started losing weight. When I pointed it out, she said don’t complain, maybe she’d finally be skinny. But that was the point. Mommy could never lose weight, no matter how hard she tried. I’m premed, knew enough bio to wonder about diabetes. One night, when she’d barely touched her dinner, I pointed out what was happening. She said it was just menopause, no big deal. But she’d started going into menopause two years ago and women typically gain, they don’t lose. I pointed that out but she brushed me off. Finally, a week later, she was forced to check it out.”

“Forced by what?”

“Dr. Silverman noticed the yellow in her eyes and insisted. But even with that, before she agreed to see a doc, she had blood drawn in the E.R. When the results came back, Dr. Silverman ordered an emergency CAT scan. The tumor was sitting right in the middle of the pancreas and there were metastases in her liver and her stomach and her intestines. She went downhill fast. Sometimes I wonder if the shock of knowing took all the fight out of her. Or maybe it was just the natural course of the disease.”

She sat straight-backed, dry-eyed. Petted Blanche slowly. Someone who didn’t know her might judge her detached.

I said, “How long was she ill?”

“From the day of diagnosis, twenty-five days. Most of that was spent in the hospital; she became too weak to live at home. In the beginning, she did her best to be ornery-complaining her tray wasn’t taken away promptly, griping that float nurses weren’t like regular nurses, there was no continuity of care. Every shift, she insisted on reading her chart, double-checked that her vitals had been recorded accurately. I guess it made her feel in control. Mommy was always big on control. Did she ever tell you about her childhood?”

“A bit.”

“Enough for you to know what happened to her in New Mexico?”

I nodded.

Small hands clenched. “It’s a miracle she turned out so wonderful.”

“She was a terrific person,” I said.

“She was an incredible person.” She studied an etching on the left wall. “That first week in the hospital, she was an absolute despot. Then she got too sick to fight, mostly slept and read fan rags-that’s what she called celebrity magazines. That’s when I knew it was really bad.”

She turned her lips inward. “ Us, People, Star, OK ! Stuff she’d always made fun of when I brought it home for weekend reading. I’m no star-chaser but I do work-study at the U. library fifteen hours a week and between that and premed, why not enjoy a little guilty pleasure? Mommy loved to kid me. Her fun reading consisted of investment books, the financial pages, and nursing journals. At heart she was an intellectual. People tended to underestimate her.”

“Serious error in judgment,” I said.

She petted Blanche. “True, but the country-girl image could also work against her. She told me before she met Dr. Silverman she never got what she deserved from her bosses. He appreciated her, made sure she received her promotions…anyway, I think you can see that I’m working through the grief. I don’t repress. Just the opposite, I force myself to remember everything I can. Like when you have a splinter and dig deep.”

I nodded.

“Sometimes,” she said, “I freak out, cry it out, get too tired to feel anything. Nights are the worst. I have nonstop dreams. That’s normal, right?”

“Dreams in which she appears?”

“It’s more than that. She’s there . Talks to me. I see her lips move, hear sound but can’t make out the words, it’s frustrating…sometimes I can smell her-the way she always smelled at night, toothpaste and talcum powder, it’s so vivid. Then I wake up and she’s not there and there’s a huge feeling of deflation. But I know that’s typical. I read several books on grief.”

She recited half a dozen titles. I knew four. Two were good.

“I found them on the Web, chose the ones with the best feedback.” Wincing. “I’ll just have to go through this. What I do need help with-and please forgive me but I’m not even sure you’re the right person to talk to about it…” Her cheeks colored. “I thought of talking to Dr. Silverman…I turned to you because Mommy respected you. So do I, of course. You helped me…” She compressed her lips again. Plinked one thumbnail with the other.