Jonathan Kellerman - Obsession

Giggle. “Um…can I draw?”

The second time, three years later, I expected dejection due to relapse, was surprised to see her straight-backed and strutting as she entered the office. Still small for her age, she dressed older-pressed khakis, white shirt under a navy V-necked sweater, immaculate brown loafers. Her hair was combed out and straight. Suggestions of maturity had begun to firm the contours of her face.

The play table that had occupied her at age seven was dismissed with a glance. She settled in one of the leather armchairs, crossed her legs, and said, “Guess I’m here again.”

“It’s good to see you, Tanya.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I did it again.”

“Your habits?”

“No. I mean they’re gone .”

“You cured yourself again.”

“Mommy said I should still come in.”

“That’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“I was going to come in a few weeks ago but I had too many tests, so I…”

“In the meantime you did the job yourself.”

“I don’t want to waste your time. And Mommy’s money. Mommy still wanted me to see you. She wants to make sure I’m okay.”

“Do you feel okay?”

“Yup.”

“Then I guess you’re okay,” I said. “Boy, you did it even quicker than the first time. I’m impressed.”

“The first time you really did it,” she said. “You explained that I was doing all those things because I was nervous. Now I understand.” She sat up straighter. “I don’t know why I started again. At least this time it wasn’t as bad. I started washing and cleaning out my closet many times but I didn’t do any checking.”

“Were you nervous about anything?”

“Not really.”

“Mommy told me you moved.”

“I like it.”

“Sometimes even good change can make someone nervous.”

She thought about that. “I like it.”

“How’s school going?” I said.

“Pretty easy,” she said. “Boring. I had a bad cold right before the habits started up again. Mommy thought maybe I got tired and that’s why.”

“Sometimes that happens.”

“Every time I get a cold I need to be careful?”

“No,” I said. “But anytime you get really upset about something it would be a good idea to practice relaxing-do you still use Disneyland as a favorite place?”

“No way,” she said. “That’s immature.”

“You have a new place.”

Her eyes shifted sideways. “I just tell myself to be relaxed.”

“So school’s easy.”

“In some classes I have to work to get As.”

“Getting As is important.”

“Of course .”

“Are you feeling pressure?” I said.

“From Mommy?”

“From anyone.”

“She says do my best, that’s all. But…”

I waited.

“Sometimes,” she said, “it’s hard to study when it’s so boring , but I make myself. I don’t like writing papers and I hate social studies. Science and math are good, they make sense. I want to be a doctor. Helping people is useful.”

“That’s what your mother does.”

“Mommy says doctors are always going to be in charge, not nurses. I don’t like asking people for things.”

Long pause. “I think Mommy’s been a little nervous.”

“About what?”

“She doesn’t tell me.”

“You asked her?”

Slow smile.

“What’s funny, Tanya?”

“No way would I ask her.”

“Why not?”

“She’d say she’s okay and start asking if I’m okay.”

“You don’t want to worry her.”

“She’s got a full plate.”

Adult expression. I wondered how much time she spent with kids her age.

“How can you tell she’s been nervous, Tanya?”

“Not sitting still a lot…straightening the pictures. Sometimes she looks worried.” Fidgeting. “I’m really okay, I don’t think I need to come in again.”

“As long as you’re here, is there anything else you want to talk about…”

“Like what?”

“Like Mommy being nervous, how that affects you.”

“Please don’t tell her I told you.”

“Promise,” I said. “Same rule we had the first time.”

“You don’t tell unless I want you to,” she said. “She does it after I go to bed, thinks I don’t hear it.”

“Straightening up?”

“Mopping the floor even though it’s clean. Taking out cans from the shelves in the kitchen and putting them back. I hear doors open and close and when she moves chairs sometimes they rub against the floor. She does it at night because she doesn’t want me to know. Maybe she thinks I’ll catch it.”

“Like a cold.”

“Can that happen?”

“There are no germs for habits but sometimes when we live with people we imitate them.”

She gnawed her lip. “Should I try to help Mommy with her habits?”

“What do you think she’d say if you offered.”

Big smile. “‘I’m okay , honey.’ But I’d still like to help her.”

“I think the best thing you can do for her is just what you’re doing. Handle any problems that you can but ask for help when you can’t.”

She took a long time to digest that. “If it happens again, I’ll come back.”

“I always like hearing from you. It’s okay to call when things are going well.”

“Really?” she said. “Maybe I will.”

She never did.

The next day Patty phoned me. “I don’t know what you do but it’s a miracle. She sees you and she’s fine.”

“She’s gotten really good at understanding herself,” I said.

“I’m sure she does but you’re clearly guiding her. Thank you so much, Doctor. It’s good to know you’re around.”

“Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Nope, can’t think of any.”

“The move’s been smooth?”

“Everything’s just fine. Thank you, Doctor. Bye.”

I put the chart aside, wondered about a link between Tanya’s childhood symptoms and the “terrible thing” that had occupied Patty’s final hours.

Or was Milo right and it all boiled down to a final burst of obsessive thinking in a woman whose entire life had been about order, facing the ultimate disorder?

Tanya’s initial visit had been shortly after the move to the Bedard mansion. Well before the colonel’s death but maybe she’d picked up on Patty’s tension about caring for the old man.

Killed him.

Milo had snatched the mercy-killing hypothesis out of the air, but his instincts were good. Had Patty, a decent person, struggled with the aftermath of an impulsive, crushingly permanent act?

How did I know Patty was decent?

Because everyone said so.

Because I wanted to believe it.

“Constricted thinking,” I said out loud.

Blanche looked up, batted her lashes. Sank back down and resumed some sort of pleasant canine dream.

I tossed it around some more, realized Tanya’s symptoms had started two years before Patty brought her to me. Still living on Cherokee.

The second episode was after the move from Fourth Street to Culver City. So maybe Tanya’s tension had been about transition, had no connection at all to anything criminal.

Blanche looked up again.

“You need to get out more, Blondie. Let’s take a ride.”

Hudson Avenue on Saturday was gloriously imposing, profoundly still.

The mansion’s slate roof was silvered by afternoon light. The lawn was green marzipan; the half-timbers decorating the facade, fresh bars of chocolate. But for a sprinkle of lemons littering the stone landing, everything was spotless.

The vintage Bentley and Mercedes were just where they’d been yesterday.