Faye Kellerman - Prayers for the Dead

He paused to collect his thoughts.

“I know that in this day and age, it’s fashionable to minimalize…even romanticize adultery. Follow your heart and damned be the consequences. In truth, betrayal is a horrible, destructive beast…damaging everything in its path…those who betray…and those betrayed.”

He glanced at her, looked away.

“It absolutely destroys self-esteem…crushes and flattens it like asphalt under a steamroller. In my case, it was particularly hurtful…because I was two-timed by my identical twin. I don’t know what Dana’s motivation was. But I did know her problem with me couldn’t have been lack of a physical attraction. Because she traded me for my mirror image. So I was left to think that there had been something terribly wrong with me personally.”

“There was nothing wrong with you, Bram,” Rina said gently. “You were all kids. And kids do dumb things.”

“Of course. And I absolutely bear no ill will to Dana.”

He stood, again walking over to the open door.

“As far as Luke goes, I love my brother very much. I’d do anything for him. Forgiveness was never the problem. It’s the forgetting. Because try as I may to forget, I can still viscerally remember how much it hurt.”

Rina sighed. “You always talked about it in such a detached way. I never knew how much you were suffering.”

“I don’t even know why I told you about it in the first place. It must have just…slipped out during one of our marathon discussions. The hurt might have come and gone had the situation not been complicated by Dana’s pregnancy, which necessitated a confession to my folks.”

“What a mess!”

“A mess, a disaster, a fiasco, an ordeal…all of the above.” He raised his brows. “Up until then, I had always thought that, no matter what, I was safe from my father’s wrath. So there I was, too embarrassed to admit to anyone that I’d been screwed over by my own brother, ashamed that I wasn’t the kind of guy I thought I should have been, taking the blame for something I didn’t do. And there was my father…ready to throw me to the wolves.”

Bram let out a small laugh.

“Imagine what Dad would have done to Luke had he found out the truth. The doctor’s vituperative tongue gave me a lot of empathy for what my brothers had been going through.”

“Your father adored you.”

“Yes, in the end, I believe he did. And for all his faults, I adored him as well. But this is all beside the point.”

He licked his lips.

“Like I said, these hazy sexual feelings came on after I met Yitzchak and left after he died. But, in fact, what I’d experienced hadn’t been exclusive feelings for him. They were feelings for you, Rina. But being as you were a married woman, and the thought of adultery-even adultery of the heart-was so odious to me back then, I simply transferred them onto what I perceived was a less sinful target. Which was your husband. Easier for me to think of myself as gay than as an adulterer.”

Rina looked at him. “And I’m to believe that?”

“You know how much I loved you…God, how I loved you.” As he smiled, his cheeks pinkened. “Hard to fake that kind of ardor.”

“You loved Yitzy as well.”

“Yes, I did.” Bram appeared thoughtful. “I’m a priest. I’m allowed to have a confused sexual orientation.”

Rina started to talk, but laughed instead. “Abram Matthew, I don’t believe you said that!”

“I’ll wash my mouth out with soap.” Bram was pensive. “It’s all irrelevant now. Since taking my orders, I’ve remained a faithful servant to my Lord, Christ. And what I feel in my heart toward you, Yitzchak, my family, or anyone else is strictly between God and me.”

She eyed him. “So what about the magazines?”

Slowly, Bram fixed his gaze upon her face. “The press has inferred a gay angle because of Reggie. But even they don’t know about the magazines. How’d you find out?”

Rina blushed, looked away.

Bram said, “Your husband wouldn’t have told you. What’d you do, Mrs. Decker? Put your ear to the keyhole?”

“Actually, I just picked up the phone extension…”

No one spoke.

Rina said, “You were in trouble. I couldn’t just…look the other way. You wouldn’t have done any less.”

“I appreciate it.” Bram laughed. “You know why God fashioned woman from Adam’s rib-”

“I know the story. I don’t need an ethics lecture.”

“Especially not from a murder suspect.”

“That’s not funny!” Rina locked eyes with him. “You didn’t murder Reggie. But do you know who did?”

“If I did, why would I hold back?”

“You’re protecting someone.”

“I’m a priest, Mrs. Decker. I’ve an out called a sacramental seal. Believe me, I’d hide behind it if I could.”

“So you don’t know?”

“Didn’t I just say that?”

“Not exactly.” She kept eye contact. “The magazines, Father Sparks. Whose are they?”

He didn’t speak for a long time. Then he said, “I wish I could tell you differently, but the magazines are mine.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“That’s your prerogative.”

“Who are you covering for?”

“It’s a CIA conspiracy.”

“Why do you have a safe in your apartment?”

Bram furrowed his brow. “You must have listened in for a long time.”

“Sorry, but I left my guilt back at the market. Father, heal thyself. Talk to me, for goodness sakes!”

Bram was silent, pushed hair out of his eyes.

“I’m waiting,” Rina said, tapping her foot.

“Why do I have a safe…” Bram’s voice was a whisper. “Because I got held up at gunpoint three years ago-”

“Oh my God, that’s awful!”

“It was on a Friday night, after one of our big church fund-raisers. There was a lot of cash and I was alone in the rectory, the veritable sitting duck. Afterward, I figured cash was more secure in my apartment safe than in a church. Sign of the times.”

“I never heard about it, read about it.”

“I never told anyone. I replaced the cash from my own pocket and kept quiet. Hard enough bringing people into the fold. I’m not about to broadcast news that scares people away from God.”

He looked at his watch.

“I know Fridays are busy for you. Thanks for being so generous with your time.”

“Cut the formalities, please. You’re always welcome in my home, Abram. You will always be welcome in my home. Anytime, anywhere. No matter what!”

“And you, Rina Miriam, are a righteous woman. More than that, you’re a spectacular friend whom I still dearly love. If I had more time, I’d get all mushy on you.”

“Stay for a moment. Have a cup of coffee.”

“Unfortunately, I can’t. I have a meeting with my parish board. My regional bishop is going to be there.”

Rina sighed. “What do they want?”

“Explanations, I imagine. In theory, they’re entitled to them. Too bad they’re all going to walk away disappointed. So be it. I humbly submit to God’s will.” He smiled. “Thank you for listening to me…far less painful than true confession.”

Rina paused. “Are you sorry you became a priest?”

“No, Rina. I’m not sorry at all. Yesterday I was crazed. I blurted out things in frustration. Going to Rome-becoming ordained-was the best thing that had ever happened to me.”

He looked down, his face rosy with heat.

“One of the best things. And I’m so grateful that you were an instrumental part of it. We both had other destinies to follow. I pray that you’re as happy with your choice as I am with mine.”

She looked at the priest. “I love him with all my heart, Bram.”

“I know you do. And everyone knows the feelings are reciprocated. The Lieutenant isn’t very subtle.”