James Patterson - The Jester

Our ranks sifted into the duke’s large meeting room. It was just as I remembered when I had been a jester here, except that then, it had been packed with people conducting business; today, I saw mostly Baldwin’s retinue and knights.

Baldwin was slouched in his chair. He wore a military tunic with his crest and high leather boots. His sword was sheathed in an ornate scabbard.

The pig!

A high-ranking officer was concluding a report on the scene outside the walls. Two of my men remained behind, near the guards at the doorway.

“My lord,” the chamberlain said, “the rabble has made a petition for you to consider.”

“A petition?” Baldwin shrugged.

[335] “A list of demands,” the new chatelain, who had presumably taken over for Norcross, explained.

My men circulated around the room. Odo and Alphonse took positions behind the duke. Alois and two others from Morrisaey edged near the chamberlain and the chatelain.

“Who brings these demands?” Baldwin perked up. “Our fucking jester?”

“No, my lord,” the chamberlain replied. “Your jester is nowhere in sight. Perhaps he is afraid to get out of bed. But it is as we spoke. Let them deliver their complaints. And you give them the impression that you will seriously take them into account.”

“ Into account .” Baldwin stroked his beard. He turned to the chatelain. “Chatelain, choose your lowest, most unfit soldier, prop him up on a mule, and send him out to receive these grievances. Have him convey to the filth that they have his assurance it will receive our most urgent review.”

A few of the knights snickered.

The chatelain stepped up. “I beg you, sir, not to mock these men.”

“Your protest is heard. Now, hurry off and find this latrine-cleaner. And Gui, when your man is safely back, kill a few of them. Just to assure them we are placing their petition under our most urgent review.”

“But my lord, they will be protected, under truce,” the chatelain said hesitantly.

“Are you whining again? Chamberlain , do you think you could head to the walls and carry out this decree? My military man seems to have come down with a case of cold dick.”

“I can, my lord.” The fat weasel scrambled away.

About the room, everyone stood aghast at the chatelain’s rebuke.

“Now.” Baldwin stood, staring around the room. “Is there anyone else in here who has a similar plan?”

“Yes,” I shouted from the back of the room. “I think we should attack. Attack your enemies in the west.”

BALDWIN POUNDED his fist. “We don’t have any fucking enemies in the…” Then he fixed perfectly still. His eyes bulged like dark plums. “Who said that? Who is that man? Come forward.”

I stepped out from the crowd and let the military tunic fall off my shoulders. I stood in my checkerboard tunic and leggings. I removed my helmet. I watched his eyes home in on my face.

“You do now …” I winked at him.

Baldwin’s face drained of color. Then he stood and pointed at me, saying, “It’s him. The jester!”

Soldiers went for their arms but were immediately intercepted by men in their own uniform, my men , pressing swords to their throats.

The chatelain made a move toward me, but Alois subdued him before he drew his sword.

“Seize him. Do you hear?” Baldwin ordered the guards behind his chair.

They moved toward me but in almost the same motion took hold of the duke. Odo was one of them. He placed a knife against Baldwin’s throat; Alphonse dug his sword into the middle of Baldwin’s back.

[337] The duke’s eyes grew wide with disbelief. He looked at his knights, many of whom had scrambled for their arms.

“If they charge, you’re a dead bastard,” I said to him. “It would give me much pleasure.”

Baldwin looked about, his neck muscles twitching. Outrage smoldered in his eyes, All around, men loyal to the duke were held at knifepoint. Some knights drew their swords, looking to Baldwin for the word.

“Tell them, arms down,” I said. Odo pressed his knife and finally drew a trickle of noble blood.

Baldwin’s eyes flitted desperately from side to side as he estimated the probable outcome of any resistance.

“Trust me, liege, these men who hold you hate you more than I do,” I said. “I do not know if they will even heed me, they want to spill your guts so badly. But on the assumption that they want their children to live in peace more than they want your steaming entrails on the floor, I beg you, tell the knights to put down their arms. Otherwise, when I drop my hand, you are dead .”

Baldwin did not answer but continued to look about. Then he nodded almost imperceptibly. One by one, the knights’ blades clattered to the floor.

My chest heaved a sigh of relief. “Now we go outside, my liege. You’ll tell your men on the walls to lay down their arms.”

The duke swallowed, a lump slowly traveling down his throat. “You are insane,” he spat.

“And you seem to be a little foolstruck as well, my lord, if you don’t mind me saying.”

An amused snicker traveled across the room.

“You will be dead by nightfall.” Baldwin burned his gaze into my face. “Towns will come to my defense. To rise against a lord this way, you could only be the biggest fool in history.”

I looked slowly around the room. Odo curled back a smile, then Alphonse, then Alois.

“Perhaps the second biggest,” I replied.

WE DRAGGED THE LORD BALDWIN outside, forcing him at sword point to the castle gates.

Each soldier we passed looked on with dumbfounded shock. Some, no doubt eager to resist, looked to their liege for a sign, but at the sight of Baldwin’s beaten eyes, and the bailiff, chamberlain, and chatelain trailing submissively behind, they held their weapons at their sides.

As we marched, stunned townspeople rushed to line the streets. They must have thought themselves hungover.

A few began to jeer. “ Look at Baldwin. It’s what you deserve , you greedy hog .” There was laughing, and scraps of food and debris began to be thrown.

As we approached the walls, I saw that word must have traveled ahead. Soldiers were just staring at us, lances and bows held at their sides.

“Tell them the battle is over.” I pushed Baldwin forward. “Tell them to lay down their arms and open the gate.”

“You can’t expect them to stand by and let in that mob.” Baldwin sniffed. “They will be ripped to shreds.”

“Not a soul will be harmed; you have my word on it. Except, of course, you ,” I continued, pressing the sword in deeper, “if you fail to comply. My guess is, not one of them would mind the sight of that very much.”

[339] Baldwin swallowed. “Put down your arms,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Louder.” I prodded him.

“Put down your arms,” Baldwin shouted. “The castle is lost. Open the gates.”

Everyone remained still. In disbelief. Then two of my men ran and threw off the heavy beams that secured the gates. They flung the doors open, and a band of our men, Georges the miller at the lead, burst in.

“What took you so long?” the miller said, coming up to me.

“Our liege was so thoroughly set on hearing each last grievance, we lost track of time.” I grinned.

Georges ran his eyes over the captured duke. No doubt he had been thinking of this moment for a long time. “My apologies, lord. You raised our taxes. I think I owe you my last installment.”

With that, he spat a thick yellow wad all over the duke’s face. Georges’s eyes remained on him while the spit slowly trickled its way down Baldwin’s chin. “Now here’s my grievance .” He put his face close to the duke’s. “I am Georges, miller of Veille du Père. I want my son back.”