Jonathan Kellerman - Silent Partner

“When he was a kid- self-defense! But the cops did a number on him- they sent him to ya know CYA till he was eighteen. He got out and did his own thing but he didn’t like no friends. All he liked was me and the dogs- we got two Rottweiler mixes, Dandy and Paco. They liked him a lot. They been crying all day, going to miss him something bad.”

She cried for a long time.

“Carmen,” I said, “you’re going through hard times. It will help to have someone to talk to. I’d like to hook you up with a doctor, a psychologist like me.”

She looked up. “I could talk to you.”

“I’m… I don’t usually do this kind of work.”

She pursed her lips. “It’s the bread, right. You don’t take no Medi-Cal, right?”

“No, Carmen. I’m a child psychologist. I work with children.”

“Right, I understand,” she said with more sadness than anger. As if this were the latest injustice in a life full of them.

“The person I want to refer you to is very nice, very experienced.”

She pouted, rubbed her eyes.

“Carmen, if I talk to her about you and get you her number, will you call?”

“A her?” She shook her head violently. “No way. I don’t want no lady doctor.”

“Why’s that?”

“Danny had a lady doctor. She messed with him.”

“Messed with him?”

She spit on the floor. “Ya know ballin ’ him. He always said, bullshit, Carmen, we never done it. But he’d come back from ya know seein’ her and have that ya know look in his eyes and he’d smell all of lovin’- disgustin’. I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want no lady doctor in any case.”

“Dr. Weingarden’s a lady.”

“That’s different.”

“Dr. Small, the person I want to send you to, is different too, Carmen. She’s in her fifties, very kind, would never do anything dishonest.”

She looked unconvinced.

“Carmen, I’ve seen her myself.”

She didn’t understand.

“Carmen, she was my doctor.”

“You? What for?”

“Sometimes I need to talk too. Everyone does. Now promise me to go see her once. If you don’t like her, I’ll get you someone else.” I pulled out a card with my exchange number on it and gave it to her.

She closed one hand over it.

“I just don’t think it’s right,” she said.

“What isn’t?”

“Her balling him. A doctor should, ya know, know better.”

“You’re absolutely right.”

That surprised her, as if it were the first time anyone had ever agreed with her.

“Some doctors shouldn’t be doctors,” I said.

“I mean,” she said, “I could sue or something.”

“No one to sue, Carmen. If you’re talking about Dr. Ransom, she’s dead. She killed herself too.”

Her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, my God, I didn’t… I mean, I ya know wished it to happen, but I didn’t… Now it’s… oh, my God.”

She crossed herself, squeezed her temples, stared at the ceiling.

“Carmen, none of this is your fault. You’re a victim.”

She shook her head.

“A victim. I want you to understand that.”

“I- I don’t understand nothing.” Tears. “This is all too ya know… too… I don’t understand it.”

I leaned forward, smelled her anguish. “Carmen, I’ll stay here with you as long as you need me to. All right? All right, Carmen?”

Nod.

A half hour passed before she’d composed herself, and when she dried her eyes she seemed to have regained some dignity as well.

“You’re very nice,” she said. “I’m okay. You can go now.”

“What about Dr. Small- the therapist I want you to see?”

“I dunno.”

“Just one time.”

Wan smile. “Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

I took her hand, held it for a moment, then went to the front desk and told Bea to watch her. I used a phone in an empty examining room to call Ada. The operator at her service told me she was about to go into session.

“It’s an emergency,” I said, and was patched through.

“Alex,” said Ada. “What’s wrong?”

“I’ve got a young woman in crisis that I’d like you to see as soon as possible. It’s not a choice referral, Ada- she’s on Medi-Cal and is anything but insightful. But when I tell you the details I think you’ll agree it’s important that she be seen.”

“Tell me.”

When I was through, she said, “How terrible. You were right to call, Alex. I can stay and see her at seven. Can she get here by then?”

“I’ll see that she does. Thanks so much, Ada.”

“My pleasure, Alex. I’ve got a patient waiting, so I can’t linger.”

“I understand. Thanks again.”

“No problem. I’ll call you after I’ve seen her.”

I went back to the private office and gave the number to Carmen.

“It’s all arranged,” I said. “Dr. Small will see you at seven tonight.”

“Okay.”

I squeezed her hand and left, caught Leslie between examining rooms, and told her what I’d arranged.

“How’s she look to you?” she asked.

“Pretty fragile and she’s still cushioned by shock. The next few days could get really bad. She doesn’t have any support system. It’s really important for her to be seeing someone.”

“Makes sense. Where’s this therapist’s office?”

“Brentwood. San Vicente near Barrington.” I gave her the address and the time of the appointment.

“Perfect. I live in Santa Monica. I’ll be leaving the office around six-thirty. I’ll take her there myself. Until then, we’ll babysit her.” A moment’s hesitation. “This person you’re referring to is good?”

“The best. I’ve seen her myself.”

That bit of self-disclosure had reassured Carmen but it irritated her doctor.

“California honesty,” she said. Then: “Jesus, I’m sorry. You’ve really been nice, coming here on no notice- it’s just that I’ve become a total cynic. I know it’s not healthy. I’ve got to get myself to where I can trust people again.”

“It’s tough,” I said, thinking of my own crumbling sense of trust.

She fiddled with an earring. “Listen, I really do want to thank you for coming down here. Tell me what your fee is and I’ll write a check right now.”

“Forget it,” I said.

“No, I insist. I like to pay as I go.”

“No way, Leslie. I never expected to get paid.”

“You’re sure? I just want you to know I’m not into exploitation.”

“I never suspected you were.”

She looked uncomfortable. Removed her stethoscope and passed it from hand to hand.

“I know the first time you were here I sounded pretty mercenary, just out for myself. All I can say is, that’s really not me. I did want to call those patients, kept batting it back and forth in my mind. I don’t blame myself for Rasmussen’s death- he was a time bomb. It was only a matter of when. But it has made me realize I have to take responsibility, start acting like a physician. When I left you with Carmen, I went to the phone and started calling. I got through to a couple of the women. They sounded okay, said their men are okay, too, which I hope is true. Actually, it went better than I thought- they were less hostile than the first time. Maybe I got through, I don’t know. But at least I made contact. I’ll try until I reach all of them, let the darned chips fall where they may.”

“For what it’s worth, you’re doing the right thing.”

“It’s worth plenty,” she said, with sudden intensity. Then she looked embarrassed and glanced at the door of one of the examining rooms. “Well, I’ve got to be going, try to hang on to the patients I have. Thanks again.”

Hesitation.

She stood on tiptoes, kissed me on the cheek. Caught by surprise, I moved my head and our lips brushed.