Faye Kellerman - Street Dreams

I was puzzled. “What do you mean ‘moods’?”

“Moods.”

“Koby, everyone has moods.”

“Mine are very dark.”

“Like depression?”

He faced me. “An angry depression, I think. I am not nice to be around. I have found the best way to deal with it is to throw myself into work. So I work until I cannot work… until I am in a state of exhaustion. Then I sleep-one day, two days. And then… it passes. And it always does pass. Because the world is a good place.”

“Have you ever gotten help for it?”

“From a therapist?”

“Yeah, from a therapist. I see a therapist. It helps.”

“Why should I bother? It passes.”

“You should bother so you know what triggers it.”

“I already do know. This time, it was the accident. The little girl loses a leg but she lives. The baby died, Cindy, massive head injuries. That was it.”

“Koby, you work with dying babies all the time.”

“Yes, but those babies are sick. With those babies, one shoe has already dropped. There is expectation. So you are prepared. When it is a healthy baby… and all the mother had to do was put her in a car seat… it makes me… It was the suddenness! One moment, I am elated with you… such a wonderful evening. Then… boom! ” He punched one fist into another, the smack so loud it made me jump. “It’s like in Zahal … doing shomrah -watch. One moment, you sit around smoking and talking about women with your chevrah. Then abruptly, your friend is dead from a sniper’s bullet. Or when you’re a child and you walk out of your tukul -your hut-and the women are weeping. But that is nothing new because death is all around. Until someone tells you that your mother has just died. It’s the unexpected death. It’s not like the hospital. In the hospital, the defenses are up. Am I making myself understandable?”

I exhaled. “You’ve had lots of trauma in your life.”

“I told you we all have baggage.”

“But some baggage is heavier than others.”

He nodded somberly. “Indeed. I don’t blame you for walking.”

“Did I say I wanted to walk?”

We were silent.

“That man Oliver…,” Koby said. “Do you still like him?”

I let out a small laugh. “That, my friend, is so over. ”

“Not to him.”

“Is that what it was all about? Oliver? ”

He shrugged. “Perhaps a small part.”

“Small part, huh?”

“Very small.”

“Teeny, teeny, tiny.” I nodded. “Okay.”

“Cindy, under normal circumstances, it is nothing. In combination with everything that happened, I just wonder, that’s all.”

I waited until I caught his eye. “You know, I never said anything about your friend Marnie. You shouldn’t have brought up Oliver.”

His gaze shifted, falling somewhere over my shoulder. He was silent.

I said, “I see you’re pleading the Fifth. So as long as you opened the door, let me say this. Relationships with people you work with are big mistakes. One that I never intend to repeat.”

“We’re in agreement.”

“So how about this: I don’t ask… and you don’t ask.” I gave him a knowing look. “Besides, I have a feeling the score isn’t even close.” He actually blushed. I said, “Koby, there is no one else in my life at the moment. Put that baby to bed, all right?”

“I’m a fool.” He snipped another dead head. “Forgive me.”

I took the clippers away from him. “You’re not a fool, and as far as I’m concerned, it’s yesterday’s news. But in the future, you’ve got to let me know you’re interested.”

“Believe me, that is not a problem.”

“So if you’re having a black mood, just say I can’t talk, I’m having a black mood. That way, I’ll know it isn’t me. I come from a divorced home. Trauma is not foreign to me, either. I like order, same as you.”

“I can do that.”

I gave him back his clippers. “And maybe you want to consider talking to someone.”

“I’m talking to you.”

“I’m not a therapist.”

“No, but your hourly rates are very reasonable.” He took in my face, then ran a finger slowly across my cheek. “God gives me a chance at Heaven and I throw it away. I must be psychotic.”

I let out a small laugh. “I think you’re overstating the case.”

“You are so gorgeous, Cynthia. It is a thrill just to look at you.”

“And a cheap thrill at that.”

“Now who’s making nervous jokes?”

I didn’t answer.

“You are pure heat… Everything about you is fire.” His focus was penetrating. “There is this place in Malibu Canyon… next to a creek. All around are beautiful mountains and open sky. Lots of vegetarian dishes. The food is very good and the atmosphere is intimate.”

I knew the place. It was beautiful and very romantic.

“Shall I shower and put on the shirt?”

His eyes were already in sexual fantasy. But I had things on my mind. “This is the deal, Yaakov Kutiel. You told me your baggage. So now you’ve got to hear mine.”

“I’d be honored.”

So I told him. I talked, and talked, and talked, and talked.

We never got to the mountains. He didn’t even have a chance to wear the shirt. We never made it out of bed.

Iwas awakenedby a kiss on the cheek, my enchanting prince dressed in jeans and a blue T-shirt, with a plastic-wrapped, laundered set of blue scrubs draped over his shoulder. He was holding a cup of coffee.

“Good grief.” I sat up and pulled the covers over my breasts. “What time is it?”

“A little after ten.” He offered me the mug. “For you.”

I took the coffee and sipped. “Good stuff. Ethiopian. I know because a friend of mine bought me a pound.”

“There’s more where this came from. Plus, toast, juice, and the paper. But alas, you’ll have to eat alone. I must go to work.”

I rubbed my eyes and noticed Koby’s. Like sparkling Tokay. Finally, the brilliance was back. “Did you sleep well?”

“With you by my side, I slept with the angels. And yourself?”

“Great. I was knocked out.” I sipped more coffee, glancing around his tiny bedroom. It had a king-size bed, one nightstand with a phone and a clock, and a small closet with a mirror. No TV, because there was no room. Sunlight was streaming through the sheer curtains, the windows looking out to the rose garden. In actual size, the house was as small as my apartment. But with the homey factor, it wasn’t even close. “I’ll be leaving shortly.”

“Take your time.” He pulled something metallic out of his pocket and dropped it on my lap. “Lock up when you leave.”

A key. “Should I put it in the mailbox?”

“You can keep it. Use it with or without me. My house is close to your work. If you ever need a quick nap, the place will serve your purpose.”

I met his eyes. “I don’t know, Koby. This is a little rushed, maybe?”

“If you don’t want it, put it in the mailbox.” He sat beside me, laying his plastic-wrapped scrubs on the floor. “You say for me to show you I’m interested. Now maybe you believe me.”

“I meant responding to my phone calls, not moving-” I stopped myself. Talk about slips of the tongue. Now who needed to take it easy? But my first thoughts had been, If I lived here, where would I put my clothes?

Koby broke into a slow smile. “I think I am mad for you, Cynthia.” He caressed my arm. “I think it scares me… how much I am mad for a woman.”

Men and their emotions. I gave him an out. “Don’t worry. You barely know me.”

“I know how I feel. I knew it when I first saw you. I felt it in the heart. I felt it other places as well.”