Jonathan Kellerman - Self-Defence

"Only a few sessions. She came to me because of sleep problems. A recurrent nightmare and, later, some somnambulism."

"Walking in her sleep?"

"At least once, before the suicide attempt. She woke up in her kitchen. I guess, looking back, it can be seen as a rehearsal for the attempt. She also had an episode of something that looked like narcolepsy- falling asleep at her desk at work and waking up on the floor."

"Yes, she told me about that. Said you'd sent her to a neurologist and he pronounced her healthy."

"Phil Austerlitz. He's on staff here."

"Did he come up negative, the way she claims?"

"Yes. He thought it was stress."

The fork dipped into the coleslaw. "That's what the neurologist at Woodbridge said, too. Interesting, though, the somnambulism. Do you think the suicide attempt could have occurred during some sort of sleepwalking trance? I've read case histories of self-destruction during arousal from deep sleep. Have you ever seen anything that extreme?"

"No suicide attempts, but I have treated children with night terrors who hurt themselves thrashing and walking around. I even had a family where the children and the father had terrors. The father used to try to strangle the mother in his sleep. And there are cases of people committing murder and claiming somnambulism."

"Claiming? You don't believe it's possible?"

"It's possible, but it's rare."

She ate some slaw, looked at her sandwich, then at me.

"It's a strange case. Her denial's so absolute. Usually, with attempters, you see just the opposite: guilt, confessions, promises never to do it again, because they feel physically lousy and want to get out of hold. The really severe ones- the ones who're sorry they failed- either get really mad or go mute. But Lucretia's cooperative and articulate; she understands why she has to be observed. Yet she remains adamant that she never tried to kill herself. Which would be a dumb approach to take if you were trying to convince your psychiatrist to let you go, right? In the wrong hands you could be tagged as delusional."

"You don't see her as delusional?"

"I'm not sure how I see her yet, but she sure doesn't look crazy. Maybe I'm missing something, but I think she truly believes, on a conscious level, that she didn't make an attempt."

"Did she give you an explanation for what happened?"

"She says she fell asleep and woke up in the hospital and that her first thought when you told her why she was there was someone had tried to kill her. Now that she's fully awake, she realizes it makes no sense. All in all, she's pretty confused. I could be missing the boat completely, but I don't see any schizophrenic output. Just depression- but not the crushing depression you'd associate with an attempt. I had our psychologist test her for a bipolar disorder. She seems to have such a big stake in keeping busy, I thought maybe there was some mania going on and the daytime sleep was crashing after an episode. He found her MMPI somewhat elevated on depression and anxiety but no hint of anything manic. And her Lie Scale was normal, so she seemed to be telling the truth. He said unless she's been tested a lot and knows how to fool the instruments, there's no serious personality disturbance."

"She'd have other reasons to be anxious," I said. "Just before the attempt, we got into some areas that upset her. She had a very isolated childhood- a mother who died when she was an infant, a highly troubled relationship with an absentee father. But she was always coherent, and if she was really disturbed I doubt she could have lasted three months on that jury."

"What areas upset her?"

I described the dream.

"Interesting," she said. "Any indication he molested her?"

"She denies ever being with him, but her brother told me she spent a summer up at his place when she was four. So she's either denying that or she's repressed it completely. As to what happened up there, I don't know."

I told her about Trafficant, emphasizing how speculative everything was.

"Well," she said, "at the very least it sounds like lots of garbage coming to the surface. Going to take a long time to sift through. This is one where we'll have to tread carefully."

"Adding to the garbage, she had a brief episode of working as a prostitute when she was eighteen. She denies any guilt, but there's probably lots. And she developed a crush on one of the detectives who worked on the Bogeyman case, the one who referred her to me. He's gay."

She put the sandwich down. "Just a few sessions and all that came out?"

"Most of it during the last one," I said. "Too much, too soon, but I couldn't stop her. That night she put her head in the oven."

"Lovely."

"Are you planning to let her go after the seventy-two's up?"

"She's not psychotic or violent, I can't see a judge giving me any more time. But she sure needs careful outpatient follow-up… A prostitute- she seems so prim. How long is brief?"

"Part of a summer. She claims she's been celibate since. And Phil Austerlitz said she had a real aversion to being touched."

She put her hands together. "I can see what you mean about that summer with her father… Despite all that, she relates well to a male therapist- talks very fondly about you. Are you planning to follow her?"

"The last thing I want is for her to be abandoned again," I said, "but I may not be right for her. The policeman she likes is a close friend."

I recounted Lucy's request for permission to love Milo. My silence. The reaction.

"So she doesn't know he's gay."

"Not yet."

She opened the milk carton. "I don't want to get personal, but is he your lover?"

"No, just a friend," I said. Adding, "I'm straight," and wondering why it sounded so defensive.

"I can see what you mean by complications."

"It might be in her best interests to transfer her care, if it can be done without traumatizing her. When I heard she was going to be seen by a woman, I was glad."

"We seem to have a good rapport," she said. "She cooperates, appears to be relating. Then I review my notes and realize she hasn't told me much."

"I felt the same way about her in the beginning," I said. "Like I said, most of the substantive material came out in the last session."

"Maybe it's her family style. I spoke to her brother, and he didn't tell me much of anything either. Given the situation, you'd think he'd want me to know as much as possible."

"He doesn't know much about her himself. He's a half brother, hasn't seen her in over twenty years."

"No, I'm not talking about the one who brought her in. This was the other one, Peter. He phoned me this morning from Taos. Said he'd heard about Lucretia from Ken. Very upset about not being able to be with her, but he couldn't fly back. And when I tried to ask questions, he backed away, like he was in a big hurry to get off the phone."

"Why can't he be with her?"

"Business obligations. I called Ken- he's gone back to Palo Alto. He knew nothing, like you said. Pretty nice of him to pay for her care."

"I got the sense he wants to make contact."

"Me, too. He offered to handle everything- he seems to have money. Lucretia has no insurance because she quit her job, so that's lucky. The hospital looks askance at doctors who treat nonpaying patients. Nowadays, we have to be bookkeepers, too, right?"

I nodded.

"Anyway," she said, "sounds like a complicated family. Are there any other relatives in town for support?"

"In town," I said. "But not for support."

I told her who Lucy's father was, and she reached for her Jell-O without registering much reaction.

"I was a math major, never much for fiction," she said. "Then you get into med school and your whole world really narrows… So the pain of abandonment would be that much worse. He's available to the whole world but not to her… and now that dream, that's pretty darn Freudian. This is starting to sound like old-fashioned psychiatry. I don't get much of that."