Steven Thomas - Criminal Carma

North of us, up the boardwalk toward Santa Monica, something was creating a stir. The sound of the crowd changed, the multilingual buzz gaining density. People walking north began to go faster; those coming south toward Chavi’s booth slowed down and looked back over their shoulders.

First in glimpses, then more clearly, I saw coming through the menagerie a figure that stood out even in that crazy seaside circus: a tall, rotund white man dressed only in a cotton dhoti, surrounded by a flock of young women in airy white robes who scattered red rose petals in his path. The man, who looked like he was in his fifties, and the girls, who were much younger, paused occasionally when someone stepped out from the line that had formed along the boardwalk and knelt to touch the man’s bare feet or hand him a flower or piece of fruit. He greeted these devotees with loving smiles and graceful bows, hands pressed flat together in front of his barrel chest, fingertips pointing upward like a steeple, then came on majestically toward us, placing the soles of his feet on the silky petals strewn before him.

“Who’s that?” Reggie said. He had come up beside me in front of Chavi’s booth, attracted by the excitement of the crowd.

“It’s Baba Raba,” I heard a grade school voice say.

Turning, I saw that Ozone Pacific had come up behind me. He was gazing at the approaching guru with a look of awe and adoration.

“Why is he wearing a diaper?” Reggie asked.

“It’s not a diaper,” I said. “It’s a dhoti. It’s what Indian spiritual teachers wear to show their simplicity and detachment from society’s expectations.”

“Huh?”

As Baba Raba came to where we were standing, he turned his ponderous head toward Ozone and showed him the loving smile. It made me quiver a little bit even though it was directed a few feet to my right.

“How are you feeling today, my young friend?” Baba asked in a vibrant bass voice as he stopped in front of us.

Ozone Pacific nodded his head silently, returning the big man’s smile with one that was equally loving but infinitely more childlike.

“Are you feeling better since our talk?”

“Yes, Baba,” the boy said softly.

The guru was pear-shaped, with a huge ass that made his solid shoulders look narrow. He was six feet tall or a little better and probably weighed three hundred pounds. The hair on his cannonball head was cropped short in a gray crew cut. He had a wide mouth with thick, rubbery lips, a large nose, and big ears. A mat of dark hair grew on his chest and boulder belly. His short, thick legs were hairy, too.

His robed female attendants looked like children by comparison. Eyes downcast, they murmured among themselves, holding leftover holiday gift bags half full of rose petals. They ranged in looks from plain to pretty and in age from late teens to early thirties. One thing they had in common was nice bodies. There wasn’t a fat chick among them.

Another girl stood close beside Baba on his right. She was a blond beauty who had undoubtedly been turning heads since junior high school, not that many years before. She wore white sneakers, tight white jeans, and a white T-shirt with a yellow OM symbol on the front. Her thick shoulder-length hair was a tawny golden color and her face had been sculpted by a slum dweller who dreamed of angels. She observed the crowd with an amused smile. The shape of her lips and arch of her eyebrows made my heart race.

“It looks like a diaper,” Reggie said audibly, in the midst of a hush that had fallen as people waited to see if Baba Raba was going to say anything else.

Baba shifted his glittering black eyes from Ozone, who was to my right, across my face, to rest on Reggie, who was standing to my left, holding a spatula in one hand and a bottle of Worcestershire sauce in the other. He stared back at Baba.

“What’s cooking?” Baba asked him after a few seconds.

“Um grilling T-bones,” Reggie said. “Sorry there’s not enough to go around.”

Pity flowed into Baba’s big-lipped smile slowly, like urine filling a specimen jar. He held his right hand out in front of him, thick index finger pointing up, and tick-tocked the finger back and forth, more or less in Reggie’s face.

“It is not food that I would deign to eat,” Baba said in his professional guru voice. “If you are wise, you will not eat it either. It is tamasic . Consuming dead animals feeds your animal nature and poisons your etheric body. It is unhealthy for your physical body, too.”

“The hell you talking about?” Reggie said, offended. “Them are some prime T-bones.”

The tick-tocking continued, and the pity in the smile overflowed.

“You are digging your grave with your teeth, my bearded friend.”

“Um what?”

“You are digging. Your grave. With your teeth,” Baba said slowly and distinctly, then bared his own horse teeth and tapped the top ones with his finger. He looked savage and a little crazy with his lips pulled back and his incisors showing.

“That’s grade-A beef,” Reggie said, his voice getting a little high. It had never crossed his mind that there might be someone who didn’t relish a good steak.

Baba shook his head with heavy authority. “Innocent animals should be loved, not slaughtered. That bovine was full of hormones and antibiotics. It was terrified at the time of its death. Its adrenal terror flooded into its muscles and congealed there when it was killed. When you eat the steak, you eat the chemicals and the fear along with the rotting meat. You do not know when or where or how it was killed. It may have been dead and decaying for weeks. No, no. It is not good food. You are excited to have a nice juicy steak to chew and swallow, anticipating the taste of blood and flesh, but to me what you are cooking is as disgusting as a nice juicy piece of rat.”

“Yeah, well, that’s you, Bubba Rubba, not me,” Reggie practically shouted. “What do you eat, seaweed and daisies?”

Baba shook his head again. “I am sorry I have offended you, my bearded friend.” He gave the bow and the steeple. “I must speak the truth.”

“Baba speaks the truth,” the robed girls echoed. The crowd murmured assent.

Baba turned his luminous black eyes on me.

I forgot about Reggie and the steaks. And the blond girl. And the diamonds.

Looking into his eyes, I had the feeling that we had known each other in a previous lifetime. That we had been close companions for many years. That he remembered our time together clearly and was glad to have found me again. The feeling was one of overwhelming relief and gratitude. I recalled a first-person description I had read of the sensation a spiritual seeker felt when he met his guru for the first time, and I was pierced by the conviction that the same thing was happening to me late on a Saturday afternoon on the Venice boardwalk after forty years of wandering in the wilderness of the world. Behind me, I heard the surf rushing on the sand and flashed on the eternity of the sea and the mystery of life.

“How are you?” he asked me, and his words echoed inside my skull.

“I’m fine,” I said. I felt warm and happy and safe to be there with him.

“Yes,” he said. “You are fine. I can see that you are a strong, courageous man. Highly intelligent. But something troubles you.”

The thought of my daughter rushed to the front of my mind like a prisoner rushing to the door of a cell when his lawyer arrives with word of his case. Her name was on my lips. I was on the verge of telling him about my loss and grief. But I caught myself.

Pulling my eyes loose from his, which was like pulling strong magnets from a block of iron, I took a step back and looked him up and down, from his well-tended size-twelve feet to the iron-gray bristles on top of his head. He looked ridiculous with his massive ass swaddled in a strip of Indian cotton and his big hairy belly sticking out, but he had tremendous physical and emotional presence, like a chief in a primitive land who contained in his well-fed person the collective wisdom of the tribe and wielded the power of life and death. His big hands, hanging at his sides, looked strong enough to tear a telephone directory in half. He would be a dangerous man to steal from.