Stuart Woods: Fresh Disasters

“I give up.”

“Knob Creek is the birthplace and boyhood home of Abraham Lincoln. You see how patriotic that is?”

“How do you know this stuff?”

“I am a student of American history. Also, it’s on a little tag that comes with the bottle.”

“Your face is turning blue,” Dino said.

“Don’t change the subject.”

“Maybe you ought to get it X-rayed.”

“It’s not broken, just bruised.”

“That was a pretty big guy who hit you.”

“Yeah, but look what I did to his door.”

“Well, you really cleaned that door’s clock, but I still think you ought to get your face X-rayed.”

“Dino, when I start relying on you for medical advice, I’ll already be dead.”

“And I’ll be there to say I told you so.”

“I know, I know.” Stone flexed his neck and shoulders.

“What’s the matter?”

“I’m sore from hitting the pavement,” Stone said. “I think I need a massage; you know a masseuse?”

“Well, I heard about this place down on First Avenue.”

“Not that kind of masseuse.”

“I’ll check my Rolodex when I get back to my desk.”

“Thanks, pal.” Stone looked up to see a very beautiful woman enter the restaurant. Frank caught his eye and laughed. A moment later, he seated the woman at the table next to Stone’s.

“Good evening,” she said as she sat down.

“Good evening,” Stone responded. He turned back to his bourbon, again flexing his shoulders and neck.

“You look a little stiff,” the woman said. “You should have a massage.”

“You know, I was just telling my friend here that very thing when you walked in.”

She opened her purse and produced a card, handing it to him. It read:

MARILYN

MASSAGE IN YOUR HOME OR OFFICE

Stone smiled. “This is providential. If you’re alone, would you like to join us?”

“Thank you, yes,” she said, rising.

Stone held a chair for her. “My name is Stone Barrington; this is my friend, Dino Bacchetti.”

“I’m Marilyn,” she said.

“Marilyn what?”

“Just Marilyn; it’s easier that way.”

“May I get you a drink?”

“I’d love an appletini,” she said.

Stone ordered the drink.

“Now,” she said, after her first sip. “Let’s get business out of the way.” She produced a notebook. “I’m free tomorrow morning at ten,” she said.

“By an odd coincidence, so am I,” Stone replied. He handed her his card.

“Will it upset anyone at your office if you are naked on a table?” she asked.

“Not in the least,” Stone replied, handing her a menu.

Marilyn had ordered and was on her second appletini.

“So, what do you gentlemen do?” she asked.

“I’m an attorney,” Stone said, “and Dino isn’t a gentleman.”

She laughed. “I’m sure that isn’t true,” she said soothingly to Dino.

“Of course not,” Dino replied. “I’m a police officer. Stone used to be, but since he retired he thinks he’s a gentleman.”

“I make no such claims,” Stone said. “That was Marilyn’s characterization.”

“You look awfully young to be retired,” she said to Stone.

“He was retired by popular demand,” Dino said.

“You were kicked off the police force?” Marilyn asked, looking shocked.

“I took a bullet in the knee; it was a medical retirement.”

“How long were you a policeman?”

“Fourteen years. It was long enough.”

“And what kind of law do you practice?”

“The shady kind,” Dino interjected.

“I resent that,” Stone said.

“You go right ahead.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Marilyn said. “You strike me as an ethical person.”

“You are an excellent judge of character,” Stone said, patting her hand.

“I am,” she agreed. “I rely on first impressions.”

“You must be disappointed a lot,” Dino said.

“Not at all.” She turned back to Stone. “And what sort of cases are you working on right now.”

Dino burst out laughing. “Tell her, Stone.” He turned to Marilyn. “You’re going to love this.”

“It’s a personal-injury suit,” Stone said, glaring at Dino.

She reached over and touched his swollen jaw. “Were you the person injured?”

“Not initially.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Stone served a summons on a nefarious character today, and another nefarious character took a swing at him. And connected,” Dino said.

“And how did you respond?” she asked Stone.

“Stone hurt the guy’s front door,” Dino explained, “while flying through it.”

“And how did you respond?” she asked.

“My response was curtailed by the number of nefarious characters who were present.”

“We both beat a hasty retreat,” Dino said.

“Oh? You were there, too, and you didn’t come to the aid of your friend?”

“I came to his aid with my badge and gun, and by driving the getaway car.”

“Discretion was the better part of valor,” Stone said.

“That’s Shakespeare,” Dino explained. “Stone quotes people a lot.”

“Not a lot,” Stone said defensively.

“Just all the time.”

“Well, it’s a very nice quote,” Marilyn said, “and it sums up your reaction very succinctly.”

Stone nodded. “That’s why I used it. Dino would just have said, in his inimitable way, ‘We got the fuck out of there.’”

“And,” Dino said, “that would have summed up our reaction very succinctly.”

“You two are a sketch,” Marilyn said. “Did you used to be married?”

“We were partners when I was a cop,” Stone said. “It’s pretty much the same thing, except for the absence of sex.”

“What makes you think that’s different from marriage?” Dino asked.

“Dino is recently divorced,” Stone explained.

“Oooh,” Marilyn said, patting Dino’s hand.

“Your sympathy is misplaced,” Stone said. “Dino is a happier man these days, not that you can tell.”

“Then my congratulations,” Marilyn said. “What about you, Stone? Are you divorced?”

“No,” Stone said. “Never married.”

Dino staged a coughing fit.

“Well, for a couple of days, once; it was sort of annulled.”

Dinner arrived.

“I’m interested in your personal-injury case,” Marilyn said. “Who is the defendant?”

“A gentleman downtown.”

“What does he do?”

“Let’s just say he’s in a rather old-fashioned Italian business.”

“Like a deli?”

“More like a coffeehouse, among other things.”

“And how did he injure your client?”

“He hired two other gentlemen to beat him up.”

“Well, that wasn’t very nice.”

“That’s why I’m suing him.”

“What did he have against your client?”

“There was a gambling debt involved.”

“I think I’m beginning to get the picture,” Marilyn said.

“You’re very quick,” Dino interjected.

“Poker?” Marilyn asked.

“Sports,” Stone said.

“Like horse sports?”

“Very probably, though I wouldn’t exclude professional athletics.”

“Isn’t a lawsuit, ah, nontraditional in such a case?”

“You might say that.”

“You might say it’s never been done before,” Dino said.

“Wouldn’t calling the police be a better idea?”

“The police have failed in their duty where this defendant is concerned,” Stone said.

“Shame on you,” Marilyn said to Dino.

“It didn’t happen in my precinct,” Dino said. “Anyway, these things are usually settled privately, without resort to the courts.”

“By ‘settled privately,’” Stone said, “Dino means the plaintiffs are usually too badly injured to complain and are further discouraged from legal action by threats to their existence.”