Carol Clark - Laced

“There he was…in the flesh!” Anna had yelped when she jumped into the car and sped off. “I almost had a conniption.”

Anna had flicked on the car radio to hear if there were any updates on the investigation. There were none, but they heard the promo touting Regan and Jack’s appearance on Gerard Reilly’s show, as well as the man who discovered the Claddagh rings in his basement. In the several hours they were home, it was all Anna could think about. While Bobby fussed and moaned, she watched the clock, waiting for Gerard’s show to begin. She hadn’t looked forward to a program so much since she was a child counting the hours until the annual showing of The Wizard of Oz on television. Finally, there were only five minutes before Gerard’s program would start.

“Anna,” Bobby said, sounding as sweet as pie, “I just have one more teeny, tiny request before you join me.”

“What?” she asked flatly.

“Would you mind getting us a blanket?”

Anna nodded. She picked up May Reilly’s tablecloth off the floor, tossed it back on the chair, and hurried toward the bedroom. A moment later she was back with a down comforter. She covered Bobby, who this time was most grateful, turned off the lights, and finally lay down next to him. There they were, in a darkened little cottage on a bleak night in the west of Ireland, spooned together on the couch.

“This is like the olden days,” Anna said, “before television was invented. People would gather together around a radio and listen to dramas.”

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Bobby asked. “I know all about radio shows. My mother said she had a crush on the Lone Ranger.”

The opening music for Gerard’s show began to play. It was a jaunty tune about six seconds long. Next, Gerard introduced himself and, as was his custom, began with a joke.

“What’s the definition of an Irish gentleman?” Gerard’s voice boomed through the speakers. “A man who knows how to play the bagpipes-but doesn’t!”

“I like bagpipes,” Anna remarked, “except when they get too loud.”

“I can’t stand them,” Bobby declared.

“Good evening ladies, gentlemen, and bagpipe players,” Gerard said with a chuckle. “Tonight we have the most interesting guests. One of them I just happen to be related to…”

Anna and Bobby listened with rapt attention as Jack and Regan Reilly related the history of Jane and John Doe, the crime at Hennessy Castle, and the story of May Reilly and her tablecloth.

“Here you are on your honeymoon with my lovely cousin, Regan,” Gerard said to Jack, “and these two scallywags are causing trouble for ya.”

“They have a personal vendetta against me, that’s for sure,” Jack answered.

“You can be sure May Reilly will have a personal vendetta against them!” Gerard said. “Legend has it she haunts Hennessy Castle because she was never paid for that tablecloth. Now that it’s gone, she’ll be even more perturbed. Jane and John Doe had better watch out.”

“I’ll rip it up and use it as cleaning rags,” Anna said spitefully. “Then I’ll tell May Reilly to come and get me. I don’t believe in ghosts.”

“What can our listeners do to help?” Gerard asked. “We don’t know if Jane and John Doe are still in Ireland, but let’s suppose they are. Is there anything in particular our listeners should be on the lookout for?”

“Unfortunately, they are average-looking people who are very good at disguising themselves,” Jack answered.

Anna sighed.

“I think you’re beautiful,” Bobby whispered in her ear.

“Sssshhhhhhh.”

“So there’s no scar, no tattoo, nothing to distinguish them physically?” Gerard asked.

“Now there is,” Bobby grumbled. “This friggin tooth.”

“Not physically, but as I mentioned to you before the show, we-” Jack said.

Anna grabbed Bobby’s arm.

“-have reason to believe that the man has a very peculiar laugh.”

“What?” Bobby shouted.

“I told you!” Anna said with disgust. “All the work I do on our disguises, and you’re going to blow our cover with that stupid laugh of yours.”

“It’s genetic. It’s the way my father laughed.”

“Shhhhhh. Let’s listen!”

“Yes, you did tell me about the laugh, Jack. And, listeners, we have a young lady on the phone who does an imitation of this strange laugh. She had contact with a couple who Jack Reilly has reason to believe might be Jane and John Doe. For her protection we won’t reveal her name. Are you there, honey?”

“Yes. Hello, Gerard. Hello, Jack. Hello, Regan.”

They all exchanged greetings.

“Can you laugh the laugh for us?”

“Certainly. Henh, henh. Henh, henh. Henh, henh, henh.”

“She’s got you down,” Anna said.

“My laugh doesn’t sound anything like that!” Bobby protested.

“Yes, it does.”

Gerard thanked the girl and asked if she’d do the laugh a few more times.

“Henh, henh, henh, henh. Henh, henh, henh. Henh, henh, henh.”

“Thanks again, dear,” Gerard said. “We really appreciate your help.”

Regan and Jack added their thanks.

“Gerard,” Regan said, “we want to be clear that the person who laughed like that is not definitively John Doe. But if any of your listeners heard a man laugh like that who possibly fits the description of John Doe, please call the garda. We’re in communication with them.”

“They can call this radio station as well,” Gerard said, reciting the special phone number they had set up for calls. “As I said, we want to do everything we can to help find these two thieves and let you two get back to enjoying your honeymoon trip to Ireland. Regan and Jack, please stay with us while I bring on my next guest, Shane Magillicuddy…”

“Who was that girl?” Anna shrieked. “Where would she have heard you laughing like that?”

“I don’t know,” Bobby said. “It’s hard to make me laugh in the first place. I don’t find many things funny.”

“You were laughing like a hyena in the dentist’s chair today. If Dr. Sharkey is listening, we’re in trouble.”

“That’s why they call nitrous oxide laughing gas. Maybe we should get out of here. Let’s leave tomorrow for Los Angeles,” Bobby said. “We can forget the Claddagh rings. There will be other jobs.”

“Not like this!” Anna protested. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. There will always be diamonds and sapphires and rubies and emeralds to steal, but we’ll never find jewelry as special as the Claddagh rings. Never again. You can’t measure the sentimental appeal of those rings, and they’re old. I’m telling you, those rings will bring us tons of money.”

“What about the dentist? You just said he could be trouble.”

“We didn’t give him our names. It’ll be all right. We’ll do this job and then leave for Los Angeles.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Now, let’s listen to what this guy Magillicuddy has to say.”

In the living room of the Sharkey household, the radio was also tuned to the Gerard Reilly show. Seamus was in his favorite chair, his feet propped up on an ottoman. Danny was stretched out on the couch.

They were both snoring.

Jack’s office, under Keith’s direction, was doing everything possible to dig up information about Anna Hager. Keith had called Rocco, Linda Thompson’s hairdresser, who told him he had met Anna when they were both hired by a private client. The client wanted to look her best when she faced her husband, who had dumped her for a younger woman, in divorce court.

“We all know that looking fabulous is the best revenge!” Rocco had told Keith. “And Anna was so talented. She could make someone as close to fabulous as humanly possible. How she could transform people with her makeup! She’d work with the face God gave them and bring out their best. I’m not saying she turned all her clients into Ava Gardner, but whew! She was even good futzing with her client’s hair if it needed it. Anna had a certain touch. With those hands she performed magic.” He laughed. “I guess she still does if she’s a jewel thief.”