Clare O’Donohue - The Lover’s Knot

But there was something odd too. It was almost as if Susanne didn't trust her daughter with Jeremy. Maybe it was something a lot of mothers felt when they saw their own children struggle with parenthood. But it was clearly a source of frustration for Natalie.

"You should get Nell home," Susanne said, just as Natalie had wrested Jeremy from her arms. Susanne kissed the small boy on his head, and lingered close to him for what seemed to be a dramatically long time. Especially since she saw him nearly every day.

"Susanne," I turned as we were leaving, "have you talked to Jesse?"

"About what, dear?" She blinked innocently at me.

I smiled. Were we really going to play a game? "I was just wondering who he'd spoken to about… what happened at the shop."

She nodded. "Oh, yes. He did talk to me."

"What did he ask you?"

"Nothing special. I suppose he's talked to everyone in town now."

"But last night you seemed to think it was someone who was trying to protect someone. Did you have someone in mind?"

She laughed and glanced toward an impatient Natalie standing at the door. "Everyone has a theory about this thing. Who wouldn't? It's good gossip." She took my hand. "We talk a good game, but we're all harmless. Don't you know that by now?"

I nodded, and smiled, as if I did know that.

As I walked through the front door of the house, I heard a thud. Barney started barking and ran ahead of me. Another thud.

I ran into the living room.

Eleanor was standing in the middle of the room, balancing on her crutches. A table was knocked over and the lightbulb of a lamp was blinking on and off. Barney jumped around barking excitedly.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. That's enough," Eleanor said repeatedly. "Calm down, you silly dog. You'd think the house was on fire."

"What happened?"

"I knocked over a table with my crutch," she said in frustration. "Honestly, this is so annoying."

I picked up the lamp and the table and grabbed Barney's collar. "Wait for me," I said to my grandmother. I walked the dog to the kitchen door and pushed him out. "I'm sorry, sweetie, you're upsetting Grandma right now." I headed back to the living room, but Eleanor was already hobbling toward the kitchen.

"What a way to start the day," she said brightly. She dropped into a chair and put her injured leg up on another. "So, you're up early. What were you doing?"

"I took Barney for a walk into town."

"Walks are good for thinking."

"I'm not sure how much thinking I did, except about how hungryI was. And with you taking over the diner, there's no place in this town to get a really greasy breakfast." I poured my grandmother a cup of coffee and after making one for myself I sat down at the table with her.

"What are you sitting down for? There's still one place in town to get a good breakfast, but I don't want it greasy."

"Where's that?" I looked at her for several seconds before I realized what her stare meant. I laughed. "What, me? You want my famous muffins again?"

"How about pancakes?"

"I don't know how to make pancakes. I know how to make frozen waffles."

"Well, you'll learn how to make pancakes today."

"Susanne mentioned that you were trying to turn me into a version of you." I laughed. "Well, it won't work."

She rolled her eyes. "You eat, don't you? I don't know why people go around talking about how independent they are and then don't know how to take care of themselves in the most basic way. Get out the griddle."

Then she began pointing to cabinets and drawers, and before I knew it, I was digging out a griddle and mixing pancake batter from scratch. By the time the griddle had heated and the first batch was finished, Ryan was walking in the kitchen.

"First muffins, now this," he said, smiling broadly. "I could get used to all this domesticity."

"Well, don't," I laughed. "Unless you want to make them for yourself."

"How about we switch off? I'll do every other Sunday," he said as he dug into his breakfast. I let the comment pass. No point in continually bringing up my ambivalence.

"Modern marriage," Eleanor said. "Too bad I'm not fifty years younger."

"Well, I could probably fix you up with a couple of guys I know who like a more mature woman," Ryan joked.

"I'm too much trouble for any sane man," she said. "Nell can tell you."

"Yes, I can," I offered.

Eleanor winked at me. "So what's on the agenda for today?"

"I have to go to the shop," I said. "Remember, we're doing construction today."

"I know that," she said. "And Ryan, what are you doing to keep yourself busy?"

"Actually, I was thinking that I might head back to the city today," Ryan said quickly.

"Since when?" I looked at him, but he was looking at his pancakes. "Saturday you said you were going to stick around for a while."

"And you were none too happy about it, if I remember," he said.

"That was different."

"Exactly."

The last of the pancakes were burning on the griddle, but I couldn't take my eyes off Ryan. "I don't get it. Why leave now?"

I could feel Eleanor getting antsy, being in the middle of it, but with her broken leg she wasn't going to get out of the room fast, so she sat there. I knew she was trying her best not to interfere, but it would only be a matter of time. I looked to her for help, but she just shrugged and nodded toward Ryan.

"Don't we have a lot to talk about?" I asked Ryan.

He dug into his pancakes and with his mouth half full answered me. "I was thinking that I'm going to have to take some time off for the honeymoon. So it's better if I don't take days off now."

"Have we decided there's going to be a honeymoon? I thought we were just talking about it."

Barney whimpered at the door and Ryan jumped up to let him in. Eleanor gave me a look that said "Give him a break," and I sighed heavily in response.

"It makes sense that you should go back to work," I said to Ryan, but I looked straight at Eleanor.

"I'll head out as soon as we're done with breakfast," he said. "I'll drop you off at the shop." He kissed me and practically ran from the room.

"What was that about?" I said to my grandmother the minute Ryan was gone.

"Maybe it's exactly what he said. He doesn't want to take too much time off work."

I nodded. "Maybe."

"You know, if you have this much doubt…," she started.

"I know." I was about to say that I should talk to Ryan about my feelings when the pancakes still on the griddle started to smoke.

An hour later, Nancy arrived, exactly on time. She had a package for me-scissors, a pencil, a plastic pattern of a simple flower and scraps of colorful hand-dyed fabrics.

"It shouldn't take long," she said, "but it's a tremendous help if we're going to meet Eleanor's deadline."

"I hope I do this right," I said, staring at the package.

"Whatever you do, it will be exactly right," Nancy said with a smile. "You have no idea the joy it gives your grandmother and me to pass this tradition on to you." She gave me a quick hug and with it the confidence to make my small contribution to the quilt.

"I'll find a quiet space at the shop to cut these," I promised, as Ryan and I left.

On the drive to the shop, Ryan and I held hands and smiled a lot, but we talked little. When we pulled in front of Someday Quilts, he leaned over and kissed me passionately. I kissed back, but with less enthusiasm than I'd ever kissed him before. I got out of the car. Leaving felt like another decision he'd made without consulting me, but rather than being angry, I felt a little relieved. There was something that I really needed to do and I realized it would be better if Ryan wasn't around to get in my way.