Clare O’Donohue - The Lover’s Knot

We went up the additional five floors and into the layout department, where I met Amanda, a beautiful twentysomething woman who smiled quickly when she saw Ryan. I was about to be jealous until I saw a framed photo of Amanda and a GQ -looking man displayed on her desk. Ryan left me in her care with a wink and a softly spoken good-bye.

"I'll see you around."

When? I wanted to ask, but instead I muttered, "Sure."

From that day on he pursued me relentlessly. He called me his girlfriend on our third date, said "I love you" by the fifth, brought up the subject of marriage long before I'd even thought of him as marriage material, and proposed six months ago without so much as a hint from me.

All along I felt slightly undeserving, as if I'd won a twenty-million-dollar lottery on the only ticket I'd ever bought. But Ryan had always seemed so sure. Of me. Of us. Of everything.

But last night when he came over, he didn't seem sure of anything. He didn't really kiss me when he walked in the door, just grazed my lips absentmindedly. He walked around the place as if he had been invited for the first time, unsure of where to go.

"You're almost completely packed," he kept saying.

"We're moving into the new place soon," I reminded him.

He nodded, lightly touched a few of the boxes, and did everything to avoid my eyes. It was clear there was more than the new apartment on his mind. Not that he was talking.

So I talked. "I picked up the invitations," I said. "And I was thinking that we could spend Saturday addressing envelopes and have Sunday to do something non-wedding-related."

He nodded again. Lately he seemed to zone out every time I mentioned the wedding. "Typical cold feet" was what everyone told me. And I guessed that was true, except… it kept nagging at me. Something was different, more polite, more formal. But I couldn't bring myself to ask him, and he didn't seem willing to tell me. So I ignored it the best I could and kept talking.

"I was thinking that if we did invite Carla and James from work, we really don't have to invite Diane. I know they work in the same department but…" I knew I was rambling, but a part of me was afraid to stop talking.

He was staring at the quilt. Sitting on my bed, he had looked down and noticed that the still-draped quilt was covering the bed and half the floor.

"Isn't it great? My grandmother's wedding gift. My grandmother made the top. I told her I wanted neutrals, you know, beiges and tans and stuff, and she told me it would take months and months to get the right ones. I guess it's really hard to get neutral fabrics, even if you do own a quilt shop."

I was talking really fast, the way people do when they're nervous. First date nervous-with a man you like who may, or may not, like you. I had forgotten that feeling, and let me tell you, it did not feel good.

Ryan seemed equally ill at ease, which was actually starting to frighten me. He just kept staring at the bed. I couldn't tell if he was hearing me. He looked like he was on the verge of tears. I was hoping, just for a second, that he was overcome with love and excitement, but that seemed unlikely. He was almost panicky. I could have asked him what was wrong, pointed out the obvious, but why do that? That might lead to an open, frank discussion about our future, and who wants that with a man you're about to marry?

So I just kept talking. "It's all hand quilted by these women who come to her shop on Friday nights. They just sit around and have coffee and talk and sew. And they pitched in with the quilting so it would be done in time for the wedding. It's hand quilted. Did I tell you that?"

Now he was staring at me. And there were definitely tears in his eyes. My heart was pounding. I felt like saying "I don't want to know." But I couldn't say anything.

So he spoke first. "I'm not ready."

"Not ready for what?"

"This," he said, pointing to the quilt.

I chose deliberate stupidity, the only defense I could muster.

"It's just something to sleep under."

He made a face. I was making this hard for him. Good, I thought. I'll keep making it hard.

"What it means."

"What does it mean?" I knew he meant marriage. He knew I knew, but I couldn't let him off the hook without saying it.

"I'm not ready for marriage."

And now he had said it. I had made him say it, and now I wished more than anything I hadn't.

We both stared in silence. To an outside observer it might look as if our eyes were locked. But we were looking just past each other. I guess I was supposed to talk next, so I asked the question. The question that if you have to ask means things are not going your way.

"Is there someone else?"

"No. God no," he said quickly. "I want to be with you."

Confusing but hopeful answer. "As what?"

"I just want to wait. Get married later, when I'm ready."

He looked up at me. If he was looking for agreement, he wasn't going to find it.

"What are you asking me to do?" I asked. "Date you?"

"For a little while longer," he said, a small amount of relief in his voice.

"I feel like you're asking me to interview for a job I've already been offered."

He shook his head. But he didn't look at me, didn't say he loved me, didn't offer any further explanation. He just sat in silence. And I stood watching his silence. There was a soap opera scene in there somewhere, but I was damned if I was going to play it out.

"I think you should go," I said quietly.

He looked at me for all of a second, and then, without protest, he got up and left. And that, more than anything, broke my heart.

Sitting on the train on my way to my grandmother's the next day, I knew if I kept replaying that scene I would cry again. So I took a deep breath, listened to the rhythm of the train, and concentrated on the view outside my window instead of the pictures in my head. Just as I did, the clutter of city buildings gave way to the Hudson River, wide and blue and peaceful.

The trees near the river were just beginning to turn from green to deep shades of orange, red, and purple. The whole scene was postcard lovely, and it made me feel alone.

Archers Rest was a long way from my tiny home, and there would be nothing to do except wander through my grandmother's quilt shop. I wasn't sure it would have anything to distract me or entertain me, but that didn't matter. The town had one thing that all of New York City didn't. It was Ryan-free, and that was what I needed most right then. When I left my apartment I'd grabbed my purse, a few clothes, and some makeup-but no cell phone. If Ryan called, I wouldn't be able to pick up the phone. And if he didn't, I wouldn't be there to hear the silence.

"Next stop, Archers Rest," a computerized voice came over the speaker.

I got out of my seat and waited for the train to stop, the doors to open, and my weekend of tough love to begin.

"Nell. Over here." My grandmother was waving at me as if we were still in crowded Grand Central and she had to struggle to be seen. I was the only one getting off at this stop. She was the only one waiting on the platform. I could have seen her if she stood behind a tree.

"Hi, Grandma," I said tiredly.

"You look like hell."

"Don't sugarcoat it."

She dismissed me with a wave. It was always a source of amusement to me that I had been named after her. Eleanor. It's a strong, grown-up name, and it suited my grandmother perfectly. It was how I thought of her-not cuddly, kind Grandma, but unbreakable force Eleanor. Despite sharing the name, I was not an unbreakable force. Someone must have realized that early on, since I was nicknamed Nell almost from the time I was born.

"You're supposed to say something comforting, like 'You look gorgeous,' " I teased her.

"You don't need any more lies, do you?" Eleanor smiled as we walked to her car.