Claire LaZebnik - Knitting Under the Influence

“Same thing as you, I assume. The autism walk, right?” He kissed her on the cheek. “I was hoping I might see you here.” He looked pretty much the same as the last time she'd seen him, his back shaped like the letter C, his hair still badly cut and combed all wrong-there was even a familiar sheen of greasy perspiration on his forehead. Fortunately, he no longer looked like she had just socked him in the stomach the way he had the last time she saw him, when she had broken up with him.

It was hard not to compare him to Jason, who stood a head taller, his shoulders wide under a simple V-neck black sweater, his thick hair tousled and wavy. When his eyes caught the sun, they were this unbelievable shade of blue…

Sari suddenly realized that both men were watching her, waiting for her to say something. “I didn't know you were involved with GRAY,” she said quickly. GRAY stood for Get Rid of Autism Yesterday, the name of the organization sponsoring the event.

“Are you kidding?” Jeff said. “They've funded most of our research. I’m fairly certain I told you that.” He had an aggrieved tone to his voice, like she owed him that at least-to remember things he had told her back when they were still going out.

“Oh, right,” she said.

“So.” Jeff stuck his hands in his pockets and looked at Jason. “What brings you here?”

Sari realized she had to introduce them. “Jeff, this is-” She hesitated. “My friend. Jason Smith. Jason, Jeff Fleekstra.”

The men nodded at each other and then they started walking again, Sari sandwiched between the two of them and wildly furious at herself. Why had she made that little pause at the word “friend,” the pause that everyone knew meant someone was more than a friend? Why didn't she just say that he was a dad at the clinic?

More important, why oh why was she so desperate for Jeff to leave them alone so they could talk more?

It was wrong, all wrong, and she knew it. So, while the two men exchanged pleasantries, she worked on pulling herself out of the daze she'd been in. Remember the history, she told herself. Remember who he is.

And, so, for the rest of the walk, she made herself remember.

Arriving back at the field where they had started, Sari spotted Kathleen and Lucy settled under a shady tree. She headed their way, accompanied by Jason and his stroller. Jeff had split off at the finish line.

“Where are David and Kevin?” Sari asked when she reached the others.

“Getting food,” Kathleen said with a nod toward the distant In-N-Out Burger truck.

Jason looked at Sari. “Should I go get something for us?”

“Don't feel you have to,” she said. “If you need to take off or anything-”

“I’ve got time.”

You could tell he was waiting for Sari to give him some kind of clue, let him know if she wanted him to stick around or not. But even her friends, who thought they knew Sari pretty well, couldn't figure out what the blank look on her face meant.

Sari said, “If you want a burger, you should certainly get one.”

That seemed to be encouragement enough for Jason. “Actually, I’m starving. I’ll go see what I can find.” He left, still pushing the stroller.

Sari sat down on the grass and hugged her knees to her chest.

“God, he's cute,” Kathleen said, watching him walk away. “Totally built. But he's got a kid. Does that mean he's married?”

“Divorced,” Sari said. “About to be, anyway. But it doesn't matter. I’m not interested.”

“Why not?”

“Lucy knows. He was a jerk to Charlie. Back in high school.”

“Really?” Kathleen said. “He doesn't seem the type.”

“Well, he was. I was thinking about it all just now, during the walk-about all the awful things they used to do. Like shove the food off of Charlie's tray at lunch. Or bump into him when he was carrying something and make him spill it on himself. Or stick his stuff in someone's locker and lock it in there. They'd throw water at his crotch and act like he'd pissed himself. Stuff like that.”

“Assholes,” Kathleen said.

“And they all called him ‘retard.’ Every one of them. Like it was his name.” She imitated a guy's voice. ‘“Hey, retard, you pissed yourself again.’”

“Fucking assholes.”

“Once there was this assembly,” Sari said. Now that she had started talking about it, she couldn't stop. “They brought out the kids with special needs-they were different ages but all went to class in the same room because that's just how they did it back then-anyway, they brought them out to sing a song. It must have been Christmas or something. So they bring them out and they're singing away and Charlie really loved to sing. Even before he could talk, he could sing. So I’m there with all the other kids, and I hear someone do this fake cough. You know-” She pretended to cough into her hand but the cough was the word “retards.” “And then someone else does it and then pretty soon, all the kids in the whole auditorium are coughing ‘retards’ into their hands. And laughing. Even the kindergartners are doing it and they don't even know what they're saying.”

“What happened to the kids onstage?”

“They just kept singing,” Sari said. “Charlie was up there smiling and singing away. He didn't even notice what was going on.”

“So maybe it wasn't that bad for him,” Lucy said. “If he didn't notice-”

“Yeah,” Sari said. “Maybe it wasn't that bad for him.” She clasped her hands together below her knees. “But I was down there in the audience. I was down there in the middle of it. And I kept trying to get them to shut up and stop and everyone just laughed at me and kept doing it.”

Kathleen shifted forward so she could put her arms around Sari. She hugged her close. “Fucking morons,” she said. “I wish I’d gone to your school. I would have punched out every one of their fucking faces.”

“You can't fight everyone,” Lucy said.

“Where were you during all this?” Kathleen said, turning on her. “Why weren't you helping her make them shut up?”

“I wasn't even there,” Lucy said. “I always tried to go late on assembly days. My mother was very understanding about that stuff.”

“You were the smart one,” Sari said. “Anyway, this guy-Jason Smith-he was one of them. I swear I can see him sitting there, coughing into his hand. That's why it doesn't matter how good-looking he is. He was one of them. And that's all he'll ever be, as far as I’m concerned.”

The other girls were silent, but when Jason came back, long after the other two men had returned, all three of them watched him struggle toward them with the stroller and the bags of food and the cups of soda and not one of them moved to help him.

Kevin eventually noticed and jumped up to give him a hand.

Thanks for coming today,” Kathleen said to Kevin, after he had walked her to her car. “You've officially achieved good-guy status with my friends.”

“It was a pleasure,” he said. “Really.”

There was a pause. “Saturday afternoon,” Kathleen said, glancing vaguely around the parking lot. “It feels like it should be later than one.”

“All that walking,” he said. “I was going to ask you to go running with me, but I’m too wiped out.”

“I don't just run,” she said. “I do other things, too.”

“Ah,” he said. “I’m glad to hear it. Do you go to movies ever?”

“All the time.”

“And to dinner?”

“A girl's got to eat.”

“Dinner and a movie?”

“Even better.”

“I don't suppose you're free for something along those lines tonight?”