Ian Sansom - The Case of the Missing Books

'Ted,' he said. 'Ted!' He'd pretty much ruled Ted out as a suspect and hoped he might be able to patch things up a bit. 'I…' He could really have done with a hand with the hunt for the missing books.

'You,' said Ted.

'Yes, me!' said Israel.

'I've nothing to say to you, young man.'

'No, don't be like that, Ted.'

'You're still in my bad books.'

'Yes. Well. Sorry. Would you like a vol-au-vent though?' said Israel, attempting both apology and pathos at the same time, and offering the plate.

'Hmm.'

'They're nice.'

'Are they vegetenarian?'

'Yeah, but not so's you'd notice.'

'Ach, all right. But don't think a volley vont means I'm forgiving and forgetting now.'

'No, of course not,' said Israel.

'Mmm,' said Ted. 'Mushroom?'

'Yes. I think so.'

'Not bad. So, I s'pose you're going to tell me, how's the auld hunt going?' asked Ted, brushing flaky pastry from his chin.

'The hunt?'

'For the books, you eejit.'

'Oh, it's coming along.'

'Aye.'

'I've got a couple of very good leads. Actually, Ted, you wouldn't think about coming back and-'

'Who, me? The criminal mastermind?'

'I don't think you're the criminal mastermind, Ted.'

'Oh, not smart enough, eh.'

'No. Ted. It's not that. I've crossed you off my list of suspects.'

'Aye, right. That's nice of you, Kojak.'

Israel leant in close. 'I'm working on a major conspiracy theory at the moment,' he said.

Ted finished chewing his vol-au-vent. 'I'm sure: still not a titter of wit about ye then. What happened to the hubcaps?'

'What?' said Israel.

'Aye, you heard me. What happened to the hubcaps? Don't think I haven't noticed. I've seen yous driving about: there's no hubcaps on the van anymores.'

'Ah, yes, that was a little mishap.'

'And I see you've her bent up and twisted round the bonnet?'

'Ah, yes, that was another little mishap.'

'Aye, right. Well, I entrusted her to you,' said Ted. 'And I'll tell you what,' he continued, leaning over close to Israel as he spoke, with vol-au-venty intensity, 'you'd better start looking after her better than you're doing at the minute, boyo. Or I'll beat the blinkin' lard out of ye. D'you understand?'

'Yes,' squeaked Israel.

With which friendly threat Ted turned his back on Israel and walked away, just as Linda Wei approached him from the other direction, took him firmly by the arm and led him off to introduce him to the redoubtable Maureen Minty.

'Hmm. Excuse me. Hello!' said Israel. 'Lovely speech.'

'Thank you,' said the mayoress, staring at Israel with her one good eye from under her firm-set hair and through a thick pair of glasses, looking for all the world like a cross between Moshe Dayan and Golda Meier.

'And that's a lovely…chain,' said Israel, trying to think of something to say to an elderly one-eyed lady mayoress he'd never met before, and pointing to her chain of office. 'Can I…touch it?' And before he knew what he was doing he was reaching out towards the lady mayoress's ample bosom.

Maureen Minty slapped his hand.

'If I was forty years younger I'd be flattered, young man. As it is, I'm appalled by your bad manners.'

'Ouch,' said Israel. 'Sorry.'

Linda led the lady mayoress away, frowning at Israel, who raised his hands in his mother's traditional Jewish 'what-have-I-done' gesture.

'He's a bold 'un, isn't he,' murmured Maureen Minty.

'Aye,' said Linda, flashing a warning stare at Israel.

'You haven't lost the old charm then, I see.'

It was Veronica, the reporter from the Impartial Recorder, and the funny thing was Israel had known she was there, in the room, from the moment he'd first arrived, even though he hadn't been able to pick her out. She seemed to have a peculiarly vivid presence, seeming to announce herself from a distance, as if subtly lit, like in a film, or like she was emitting a high-frequency sound, like a minky whale perhaps, or something similar, and it was as if he had a sixth sense, attuned to her. He'd had this feeling before. He tried to remember when: it was when he'd first met Gloria.

'You're looking very…natty,' said Veronica, with that characteristic hint of mischief and mockery in her voice.

'Natty?' said Israel. 'Natty? Gosh. No one's used the word natty since about 1950, have they?'

'Well, no one I know has worn a three-piece herringbone suit since about 1950.'

'Ah. True,' said Israel. He was wearing one of Mr Devine's old suits. It was a little tight, but it certainly made a change from Brownie's combat trousers and T-shirts, and he thought it gave him a certain Cary Grant kind of a look, actually, or maybe a Sidney Greenstreet kind of a look, if he was being absolutely honest, but drink had been taken, so there was no need to be absolutely honest. He was looking pretty good.

'Will you have your photo taken with me?' asked Veronica.

'Me?'

'Come on.'

She pulled Israel over towards a man with a huge camera and a flashgun.

'Here we are now.'

'Israel, Michael-photographer at the paper. Michael, this is Israel, our esteemed librarian.'

'Outreach Support Officer,' said Israel jokingly, although neither Veronica nor Michael seemed to see the joke. 'My little joke,' he explained.

'He's a comedian as well, then,' said Michael.

'Oh yes,' said Veronica, winking at Israel, 'he's a terrible tease. He's English.'

'Aye.'

'OK then, by himself first I think.'

And before Israel knew it, it was flash and the picture had been taken.

'Great,' said Veronica. 'Now together,' and she squeezed up close to Israel, cheek to cheek. 'Do your worst.'

Another flash.

'One for the family album. Thanks, Michael.'

'OK, Veronica,' said Michael. 'That it?'

'I think that'll do us for tonight.'

'See you tomorrow.'

'Night. What's happened to your hair,' asked Veronica, turning to Israel, fishing around in her handbag. 'Do you mind?' she asked, going to light a cigarette.

'It's your funeral. I combed it.'

'Well, I think it suits you,' she said. 'You scrub up nicely.'

Israel blushed. 'Thank you…'

'At which point'-Veronica leant closer towards him, touching his arm, blowing smoke in his direction-'you're supposed to say, "And you're looking rather lovely too."'

'Ah, right, sorry. You're looking lovely too,' said Israel, which was true, actually; Veronica was wearing a long black clinging skirt and black leather boots and a tight, buttoned-up blouson, which made her look rather as if she'd just flown in specially for the evening, like flying-ace Amelia Eckhart.

'There's no smoking in here, love,' said a woman, tapping Veronica on the shoulder.

'Oh, really?' said Veronica, smiling. 'I had no idea. I'm so sorry. Shall we?' And she indicated the door to Israel, who followed her obediently outside.

'Ah,' said Veronica. 'That's better. God, I hate those things.'

'Me too,' said Israel.

They stood leaning up against the side of the graffitied wall of the community hall, staring up at the stars.

'No luck then yet in your great book hunt?'

'What great book hunt?'

'Now, now. You know I know.'

'That you know what?'

'About the missing library books?'

'Ah. Well, you'll have to talk to Linda about library provision. I'm just-'

'Doing your job?'

'That's it.'

'Well, I'm sure you're very good at it.'

'I hope so.'

'Well, let me ask you another question then, librarian.'

'Outreach Support Officer.'

'Whatever. Do you have a girlfriend?'

'Erm…'

'I'll take that as a no then, shall I?'

He did not correct her.

Veronica had finished her cigarette.

'Shall we go somewhere we can get warmed up?'

The pub they went to was in a village several miles up the coast from Tumdrum, and it was just like an archetypal English pub, with beams and an open fire, and knickknacks, which was all very nice but which did nothing to calm or reassure Israel, who was now devoutly wishing he hadn't come away with Veronica and had stayed instead with the middle-aged men in suits and women in heels at the gala reception for the new mobile library service. That would have been much safer. But it was too late now: a few glasses of cheap wine and a bellyful of vol-au-vents and here he was with an attractive lady reporter in a pub in the middle of nowhere and no good could come of it, he knew that from the moment he'd got into Veronica's Renault Clio and she'd put on her Dido CD, and they were speeding along the coast road, laughing about leaving everyone behind at the community halls and enjoying a shared sense of adventure. Desire, boredom, guilt and being a long way from home can make a man do strange things. Israel had seen Lost In Translation. Several times. And he suddenly felt as though he was in some kind of parallel Bill Murray universe, where he made witty remarks to good-looking women who laughed at his jokes.