Sharon Shinn - Gateway

He nodded and dropped his hand, drawing her head back to rest against his chest. “You can’t fight battles that you don’t believe in,” he said. “You can’t be a soldier in somebody else’s war.”

“Maybe some people can,” she said, “but I can’t.”

They were quiet a moment, standing intertwined on the narrow catwalk. Finally Kalen stirred and lifted his head, which had come to rest on the top of hers. “So what do you do now?” he said. “How soon do you go home?”

She pulled back a little, enough to see his face. “I think I have to stay for the next two weeks,” she said. “Chenglei invited Xiang and me to come to his house for the summer holiday, and Xiang is so excited. I think I have to give her that much-it will be such a blow to her when I suddenly disappear.”

Kalen grinned. “She’s become fond of you?”

Daiyu made an inelegant sound. “I don’t think she’s fond of anyone. But she’s enjoying the benefits of having an eligible young woman in the house. We’re using her, after all, and I feel bad about that, too. So I want to do this one thing for her before I go.”

“I wonder what Aurora and Ombri will do next to try to get rid of Chenglei,” Kalen said.

“Maybe they’ll find someone else to carry out their quest,” Daiyu said. “Some other sojourner who finds the choice much simpler than I did.” She reached into her pocket and drew out the silver bracelet, carefully wrapped in multiple layers of silk. “Give this back to them. Tell them I can’t do it.”

Kalen took it gingerly and stowed it in an outer compartment of his bag of rocks. “They’ll be disappointed,” he said. “But I think they’ll understand.”

She was immeasurably relieved once she had handed the bracelet over. She felt lighter by pounds, not ounces; she felt as if she had suddenly been cured of a bitter, suffocating consumption She smiled at him. “So! How did you do today? Find any qiji stones?”

“You would know,” he said. “Here, let me show you what I kept.”

He carefully set the bag down between them and they both knelt on the narrow walkway. Daiyu rummaged through the stones he had rescued from the river, her finger ssettling on each rough surface and moving on. “Oh! There’s one!” she said, pulling it out. “A big one, too. Look at that, Kalen! That’s worth two stones any day.”

He grinned. “I almost threw it back because it seemed too good to be true. Really? That’s a qiji? I’m rich!”

“You almost threw it back!” she repeated, and her voice filled with mock horror. “You foolish boy! Are you always so careless with items of value?”

“No,” he said, abruptly sober. “I know what matters. And I never throw those things away. I hold on to them as long as I can.”

As he spoke, he dropped the qiji into his bag and came to his feet, drawing Daiyu up beside him. She stared at him, suddenly as serious as he was. “These days are precious,” she said. “I don’t want to throw them away either.”

“I don’t want them to end,” he said.

She studied his face for a moment, trying to memorize it. Trying to file that memory away in a place that wouldn’t be erased by a trip through the gateway. “At least we know they won’t end right away,” she said. “At least I won’t leave Shenglang for two more weeks.”

“Maybe you could stay longer,” he suggested. “A month.”

“I have a life to get back to,” she said. Even if it was harder every day to remember that life.

“But if it doesn’t matter how long you’re gone,” he said in a low voice. “If you will return to your world just an instant after you left it-then it doesn’t matter how long you’re in Shenglang. You could stay a year. You could stay twenty years. And then go home.”

She took a deep, hard breath, because that hadn’t occurred to her. Live an entire lifetime in Shenglang-marry-have children-grow old. And then when she had finally had her fill, when she had saturated her soul with memories of Kalen, she would pul lout the rose quartz talisman and go back to her own world, her proper place. She would live two consecutive lifetimes, though she would only remember one, unless fragments and glimpses of the first one, the impossible one, glittered up from her subconscious now and then. She would become one of those odd, impassioned people who claimed to have been reincarnated, who claimed to have lived through exotic pasts that even now shaped them and haunted their dreams.

The thought made her shiver. Maybe every one of those lunatics was absolutely accurate-maybe all of them were sojourners who had slipped accidentally or by design through some gateway into another world and time. Maybe their patchy memories were of alternate iterations as foreign and familiar as Shenglang.

Maybe Daiyu would remember enough of her time with Kalen to comfort her bereft soul. There was a hope to hold on to.

“I can’t,” she said, whispering again. “I’m afraid that even if I stay till the holiday I won’t want to return. If I stay a year, I won’t remember I have another place to return to . I’d never go home, and sooner or later, I have to think, time would start going forward again on Earth without me. I love you, Kalen, but it would break my parents’ hearts if I never came home to them. The longer I stay here, the more it will break my heart to go.”

“Well, that’s something for me to remember when my own heart is aching,” he breathed against her mouth. He had put his arms around her again, leaning over the bag of stones to take her in an embrace. “That you said you loved me.”

She had both arms wrapped around his body as tightly as they would go. “And I’ll remember you,” she said. “I know I will. I can’t possibly forget anything as precious as this.”

THE NEXT TWO weeks passed in a blur of dressmakers’ appointments, cobblers’ visits, highly public outings with Quan, highly secret trysts with Kalen, and meals too numerous to count. Xiang took every opportunity to lecture Daiyu on things she needed to know to be the perfect guest, and the two of them shopped for days to find just the right gift to present to their host. It must not be too expensive, for the prime minister was not supposed to accept costly items from his constituents, but it must not look shabby, either. It was Daiyu who suggested they give him an exotic plant ornamented with a replica of one of the red birds so plentiful at the aviary. Xiang commissioned the foremost artisan of the city to create a tiny creature out of silk, feathers, and enamel. It looked exquisite against the deep green of the leaves and the black jade of the vase.

“Every part of this gift will remind the prime minister of his conversations with you!” Xiang exclaimed. “A most excellent present!”

They were to be at Chenglei’s residence for three days-two and a half, really, since they and his other guests would depart once they had consumed an intimate breakfast the morning after the holiday celebration. It had taken some carefully casual questioning on Daiyu’s part to get a sense of what to expect of the holiday itself. She had been in Shenglang almost five weeks now, so it should be roughly the middle of August-the hottest part of the summer, at least in St. Louis-and this event appeared to be an acknowledgment of that. Outdoor celebrations would take place all over the city, especially at night; official and unofficial fireworks displays would burst overhead until dawn. Clothing appeared to be one of the more interesting aspects of this particular holiday, since people dressed for the heat in thin fabrics and sleeveless ensembles.

“Girls who do not care about their reputations will sometimes take off their clothing altogether, or at least their shirts, when the young men exhort them,” Xiang had told Daiyu with a sniff. “It is very unbecoming.”