Charlaine Harris - Crimes by Moonlight

“What other guy?”

“The other guy tailing him.”

“Oh, come on.”

“I know how you feel. I couldn’t believe it, either. I feel like a PI caught in a shaggy vampire story. Morris hailed a cab. The guy hailed a cab and followed him. Morris spotted him and ditched him. Since I was in the third cab, there wasn’t much I could do.”

“You’re not making this up?”

“If I were making it up, it would sound much better. It’s the truth, so it sounds like hell.”

“This other guy. What was he like?”

“Medium height. Stocky. Maybe forty-five to fifty. Thick black hair, a little gray. Heavy beard stubble.”

She exhaled sharply. “Dad!”

“The gentleman is your father?”

“Damn it!”

“I take it he doesn’t approve of your vampire.”

“He doesn’t know he’s a vampire.”

“What does he think he is?”

“A boy.”

I nodded knowingly. “I see.”

“Hey, don’t get chummy with me. You’re not my pal.”

“I understand. I’m your employee. Tell me, how does it work? I know when I lose the vampire, I don’t get paid. What happens when your father loses him?”

She said nothing, just glared.

“Anyway, the job is off. There’s no way to do it with Daddy involved.”

“I’ll take care of him. We’ll have a little talk.”

“And if that doesn’t work?”

“It will.”

“I’d like to believe that.”

“Hey, I’ll do my job. You just do yours.”

I cocked an eye ironically. “You mean you’re giving me another chance.”

“You say it’s Daddy’s fault. I guess I have to give you the benefit of the doubt.”

“I’m thrilled. What’s the deal this time?”

“Same thing. I’ve got a date with Morris.”

“At the end of which he’ll be dropping you off at your dorm?”

“That’s right.”

“But he won’t be going up to your room.”

“No.”

“And you’ve never been to his.”

“What’s your point?”

“I’m just trying to define the relationship.”

“What’s the matter? I’m not promiscuous enough for you?”

“Don’t be dumb. I’ve never known anyone who was dating a vampire before. Naturally, I’m a little curious. If you don’t go to each other’s rooms, what do you do? Just hang out in the park and suck each other’s blood?”

“You wanna check my neck?” she said sarcastically.

“Not necessarily.”

“Go on. Take a look.”

She was wearing a black turtleneck. She pulled it over her head, which gave me a clear view of her neck. Among other things. She was wearing a pushup bra, and it was doing its work. All in all, she was one attractive goth.

The door flew open, and a blur of heavy stubble rushed in.

Talk about bad timing! You could count on the fingers of no hands how often young girls show up at my office and take their shirts off. It no sooner happens than her father bursts in to kill me.

It occurred to me maybe they were pulling a badger game. Right before it occurred to me my paranoia had reached absurd limits. Right before I bounced off the file cabinet and slammed into the floor.

“Daddy!” Debbie screamed.

I couldn’t see her, but I hoped like hell she was pulling on her shirt. I sprang to my feet, grabbed a folding chair, did my best impression of a lion tamer.

“Don’t be a jerk,” I said. “She’s just trying to prove he didn’t bite her.” That caught him up short. His mouth fell open. He turned to his daughter. “What’s he talking about?”

She shot me a look. “Blabbermouth!”

Daddy had forgotten I was there. “Debbie, sweetie, what’s this all about?”

She told him. More or less. He showed all the skepticism you would expect, peppered with a dose of overprotective dad, though what could be considered overprotective under the circumstances, I’m not sure.

The remarkable thing is, she got him out of there. Her powers of persuasion were considerable. She’d make a fine lawyer if she ever got a chance. The way she showed Daddy the door was impressive indeed.

The minute he was out, however, she broke just like a little girl. “Oh, my God! This is awful! This is just awful!”

I figured her next segue would be how it was all my fault. I wasn’t up for that again.

“No, it isn’t,” I said. “It’s great.”

She gave me the classic goth-dealing-with-a-moron look. If you haven’t had it, trust me, you don’t want it. It’ll stay with you. “In what way is this great?”

“I wasn’t getting anywhere, and I wasn’t about to. The whole problem was, my hands were tied because you didn’t want the vampire to know you were investigating him.”

“So?”

“You’re not investigating him.” I smiled, spread my hands. “Daddy is.”

I caught up with the vampire that night as he was hailing his cab. The goth must have worked her magic, because Daddy was nowhere around.

I sidled up to the vampire, said, “Wanna share a cab?”

He didn’t sink his teeth into my throat. I took that as a good sign. On the other hand, he didn’t seem pleased to see me. And not in the ritual Sergeant MacAullifway. The guy was pissed. “Who the hell are you?” he said.

He had a Brooklyn accent. The goth hadn’t mentioned that. Of course, I hadn’t asked. My interrogation techniques are a little suspect. Just ask Alice.

“I don’t wanna give you a hard time. Believe it or not, I was young once, too. You’re dating the guy’s daughter, and he’s less than thrilled. He wants to know the score. I could tell him myself, but that’s not what he wants. So why don’t you cut me a break?”

“Her father hired you?”

“Did I say that? I don’t recall saying that. I would certainly be in a position to deny saying that if you ever made the claim. But the gentleman is concerned with whether or not you’re a vampire.”

“Oh,” he said with disgust. “Debbie ratted me out.”

“You ratted yourself out. You look like a vampire. You act like a vampire. Granted, you don’t dress like a vampire. But you walk around like the Prince of Darkness. It’s a little hard to miss. What’s your story?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Fine,” he said. “Let’s make a deal. I’ll tell you what you wanna know. When I’m done, you go about your business, I’ll get in a cab and go about mine. You won’t try to follow me, find out where I live, stake out my apartment, tap my phone.”

“Done.”

“Okay, what do you want to know?”

“Are you a vampire?”

He grimaced. “That’s not the point.”

“It may not be the point, but it’s what I wanna know.”

“The point is not whether I’m a vampire; the point is whether you believe I am. Debbie does. That’s enough for her, and it’s enough for me. If it’s not enough for her father, that’s tough. That’s the way it is.”

“Our deal was you’d answer my questions.”

“I’m answering your questions. You may not like the answers, but that’s not our deal.”

“Do you have an apartment, or do you sleep all day in the ground covered with a layer of dirt?”

“That’s just the type of ridicule I could expect.”

“From a mere mortal?” I asked impishly.

He smiled. “You’re not helping yourself.”

“Maybe not. I’d like just one denial I can take to the bank.”

“Fine,” he said. “Ask me if I mean Debbie any harm.”

“That isn’t what I meant.”

“Yeah, but isn’t that what this is all about? Does her old man really give a damn who or what I am, or is he concerned for his daughter’s safety? If it’s the first thing, he’s an idiot, and I can’t help him. If it’s the second thing, he should be reassured.”