Susan Pfeffer - The Dead And The Gone

There were plenty of cops there, and Alex went to one to ask where the buses to Yankee Stadium left from.

"Around the corner," the cop said. "You got a reservation?"

Alex nodded.

"You ready for it?" the cop asked. "It's hell up there."

"I don't know," Alex admitted. "I'm looking for my mother. We haven't heard from her since it happened."

"Good luck, kid," the cop said. "Hey, you over there! Watch it!"

Alex walked around the corner. There were several cops there telling people where to stand and giving them flyers. Alex walked over to one and said he had a reservation for the 11:30 bus.

"That line over there," the cop said, and gave him a handout.

Even though Alex was early, the line for his bus was already thirty people long. People stood there, shuffling their feet, reading the handout, going through their bags. A few had something to eat. Most look terrified, or angry, or simply miserable.

Alex looked at the sheet of paper he'd been handed.

YOU MUST FOLLOW THESE RULES

1. Do not attempt to get on any bus other than the one for which you have a reservation.Note its number when you board.

2. You will be given a numbered ticket when you board the bus. You must show your ticket to be admitted to Yankee Stadium.

3. At no time may you leave to go off by yourself.

4. Once inside the stadium, walk in single file up and down every row.

5. Look carefully at every body. Pay particular attention to jewelry, as that may be the best way to identify the person for whom you're searching.

6. If you find the person you are seeking, keep walking until you see a Police Identification Booth.Go there and inform an officer of the approximate location of the identified body. You may only return to the body you've identified if you are accompanied by an official. Any attempt to return on your own will result in ejection from Yankee Stadium.

7. If you see a person in need of physical assistance, keep your place in line, and notify a police officer at the first opportunity. Do not stop to help the person in need of assistance.

8. No food or drink is allowed in Yankee Stadium. All bags must be left on the bus. Anyone carrying anything into Yankee Stadium will be ejected.

9. If you find the person you are looking for, you will remain at Yankee Stadium to fill out the appropriate paperwork. If you do not, you must leave on the bus you took to get there. You will not be allowed on any other bus.

THESE RULES ARE FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY.

THEY MUST BE OBEYED.

Alex thought the rules were stringent, but they made sense, and he was relieved that what was called for was so carefully spelled out. He liked rules. Carlos was always trying to get away with something, or at least he used to be like that beforeenlisting, but Alex found that rules imposed a structure, and he preferred that. He always did better when he knew exactly what was expected of him.

He wished the flyer hadn't kept referring to bodies, though. He couldn't stand the idea of Mami being nothing more than an anonymous body.

He pictured Mami then, sitting at the table, working on her homework while her children worked on theirs. How proud they all were when she got her GED. He thought of her at the stove, cooking their dinner. He remembered once when he'd been sick with fever, and Mami had pressed a cold washcloth against his forehead and held his hand until he'd fallen asleep. He envisioned her in church, shushing them while Father Franco gave his sermon.

For a week he'd refused to think of her, and now he was overwhelmed by a thousand different images. What if he found Mami at Yankee Stadium? What if he didn't?

He realized then that everybody in line for the 11:30 bus, everybody waiting for whatever bus, was as overwhelmed with thoughts and memories of the people gone from their lives as he was. No wonder no one was talking. The only protection from grief was silence and rules.

Eventually they began boarding their bus. Number 22, he noted. He gave his name to the bus driver and was handed a card that said 33. He took an aisle seat, next to a heavyset woman who kept squeezing a packet of tissues.

"You all have your tickets:" the bus driver asked before they began the journey.

Everyone said yes.

"And you have the list of rules?"

"Yes," they all responded.

"Be sure to follow the instructions," the bus driver cautioned them. "Stay in place once you get there. God go with you."

Alex looked around the bus. He was the youngest person there, but a few seemed to be in their early twenties. Since only one person from a family was allowed to go, the passengers on the bus were all strangers to each other. Several of them were praying. Others stared straight ahead, or looked out the window. A few had their eves closed, and a handful were crying.

Alex stared out the window at the apartments on Riverside Drive as the bus whizzed up the West Side Highway. The buildings looked substantial, unlikely ever to erode. As they drove past Eighty-eighth Street, he resisted the temptation to demand to be let off. He knew what he had to do, what rules he had to follow.

After a while the bus pulled into its parking space and the people were told to get off in an orderly fashion, making sure to have their tickets in hand and to remember where their bus was located and that its number was 22. Alex got off and displayed his ticket to the officer standing there. From the outside, Yankee Stadium seemed much as it always had. He remembered the half dozen or so times he'd gone to a game with Papi and Carlos, sitting in the bleachers, worrying, shouting, eating, thrilled to be there with his father and big brother. During one game —he was nine or ten—the score was tied in the bottom of the eleventh and one of the Yankees hit a walk-off grand slam. He'd felt like he'd witnessed history, he'd been so excited.

"Stay in line. Don't wander off," the officer said. "Stand in line. Don't wander off. If you leave your place, you will not be allowed in. Stand in line. Don't wander off."

Alex stood at attention, as though his posture proved he wasn't the sort who would ever wander off.

The line inched its way closer to the entrance. Two women walked from the head of the line to the foot, one holding a pot of menthol-scented gel, the other face masks and sickness bags.

"Rub the gel under your nose," the woman instructed them. "It will help with the odors."

"Wear your face mask at all times," the other woman said. "Put it on now. Only take it off if you feel the need to vomit. Use the bag, then put the mask back on. Do not leave the bag on the ground, but carry it with you until you leave."

The menthol smell was strong. People looked strange wearing face masks, like a convention of surgeons had accidentally assembled in front of the ballpark. Alex thought of when Mami had shown them a face mask and told them she'd be expected to wear one as an operating room technician. If she hadn't been ambitious to improve her family's lot, she wouldn't have gotten the training and the hospital in Queens wouldn't have called for her to come in because of an emergency and she wouldn't have taken the 7 train to Queens and Alex wouldn't be standing in front of Yankee Stadium with menthol-scented gel rubbed beneath his nose.

"Remember to stay in line at all times," a voice over a bullhorn called out. "If you see someone in need of physical assistance, inform the next available officer. Do not leave the line. Leaving the line will result in your ejection. Keep walking. Only leave the line if you can identify the body of the person you're looking for. Look at the person ahead of you in line and the person behind you. Don't ever stray from those people."