Tamar Myers: Batter off Dead

“You know I can’t if it means breaking the law. And speaking of which, don’t you need a good attorney?”

“Forget the attorney!” she screamed.

“Yes, dear,” I said quietly. “If it’s legal, and not a sin, then I promise.”

“You swear on the graves of our parents?”

“I can’t take an oath like that; but yes, I’ll keep my word.”

She sighed so deeply, I could almost feel the breeze come through the receiver. “Congratulations, Mags, you are now the proud owner of a purebred Russian toy terrier.”

“What?”

“Well, someone needs to take care of Shnookums,” she said before hanging up.

Almost immediately the phone rang again. This time it was an FBI agent informing me that I had five days to hie my heinie up to Cleveland to retrieve the repugnant rat in dog’s clothing, or he’d go to canine heaven.

I was still in shock when the phone rang a third time. I let Gabe field that call whilst I fed his offspring a much-clamored-for meal. When my husband came into the bedroom to share what had transpired, he seemed more perplexed than anything else.

“I can’t believe I said yes, hon.”

“Ah, but I was a very persuasive bride-to-be.”

“I’m afraid this is no laughing matter. Those so-called nuns-the ones who were taken in by your sister-they’re quite serious; they want to continue being Sisters of Perpetual Apathy-in a phlegmatic sort of way, of course.”

“How delightfully uninspiring.”

“Some of them, unfortunately, don’t have much choice, having burned their bridges behind them when they left Hernia.”

“At least their new philosophy finds them without regrets.”

“So I was thinking, since I’m moving back in here, why don’t I offer to let them stay across the road in my house? That can be sort of like a-what do you call it, a covenant?”

“A convent, perhaps? A very inconvenient convent.”

“Yes, that’s it.”

“Tell me, was this Ida’s idea?”

“Uh-she may have helped clarify a few things, but it’s definitely not her idea.”

“I see.”

“Seriously, hon, think of the advantages. In her new role as head nun, she’ll be so busy taking care of the sisters that she won’t have a second to spend interfering in our lives, yet she’ll be close enough for us to keep an eye on.”

“What do you mean, head nun?”

“Oh, that. Well, with Susannah no longer in charge of the group, Ma stepped into the power vacuum and has given herself a new name. From now on, she is to be known as Mother Malaise.”

“Oy vey,” I said.

There were huge challenges to be faced in the months and years ahead, but I was still a very blessed woman. The Babester was finally all mine, and we had our precious son to raise together, and in just a short time Alison would become our legal daughter. As for the challenges: Mother Malaise would be living just across the road, and my only sibling was headed for a criminal trial and a possible stint in the state pen.

And although I intended to keep my promise to Susannah, there was no way, José, that I was going to carry that mangy mutt around in my bra. Shnookums was going to have to learn how to walk. Perhaps Alison could teach him. Lately she’d been hinting that she’d like a cat or dog. She’d said nothing about keeping a rat as a pet, but…

I smiled. At least for the moment, the blessings outweighed the challenges.