Tamar Myers: Batter off Dead

“No one your age says that, Chief. And while you may certainly continue to butter me up, perhaps we should defer that most pleasant of activities to another time. What say we cut to the chase now and tell me what this huge favor is, before I decide to book a flight to Cancún. I have no interest in the beaches, mind you, but I’ve always been fascinated by the Mayan civilization.”

“Uh-ahm-uh-”

“Spit it out, dear. I probably have less than fifty Christmases left.”

“Well, remember how we originally discussed that once I moved to Pennsylvania my personal life would remain just that?”

“And so it has. If I wanted to dredge up dirt on someone’s sex life, there are plenty of heterosexuals hereabout I could go after. For instance, there is Miss I-Can’t-Be-Bothered-with-Drapes even though she plays the organ for the Baptist church, and then there’s our local representative, Congressman Narrow-Stance Buckley-”

“Miss Yoder! I’ve been arrested!”

“You’ve what?”

“It was in order to keep our agreement, you see. Last night, after I wrapped up my part of the crime scene investigation, I felt so revved up that I drove into Pittsburgh and-Shoot, there’s no way to say it other than to just say it, I guess.”

“Then say it, for crying out loud. What did you do? Rob a bank? Because that’s what I’d do if I was really revved up and I thought I wouldn’t-Oops, I didn’t just say that, did I?”

“Being funny is not going to help me. I was arrested for trying to pick up an undercover officer outside a gay bar.”

“Oh, my stars! You mean to say that there really are such places as gay bars? Good heavens, what won’t they think of next!”

“I hate to break the news to you, Miss Yoder, but gay bars are hardly a new phenomenon.”

Ever the practical sort, my mind had skipped ahead a step or two. “Chief, do you need a good lawyer? And is bail going to be an issue?”

“No. Kevin-that’s this guy whom I met in the clinker, and that’s his term for it, not mine-has a roommate who’s a civil rights attorney. But if you’ll recall, my contract with the municipality of Hernia has a morals contract, which I signed, stating that my employment would be terminated immediately if I was ever arrested. For anything.”

“Surely it reads conviction.”

“No. Besides, I’ve been giving this some thought, and I really do want to quit police work. Let’s face it, Miss Yoder. You’re a far better policeman than I’ve ever been.”

“I’ll choose to take that as a compliment, dear. What will you do instead? Where will you go?”

“I have a cousin in San Francisco who owns a designer pet store. She’s been working for years on breeding a strain of guppy so small that a dozen of them can swim comfortably inside a water-filled bra. One’s own body heat would supply the warmth that these tropical fish need, and every time the wearer raises and lowers her arms-presumably the market is women-a miniature pump delivers oxygen into the twin chambers of this wearable tank. True, it’s a gimmick, but some gimmicks have a way of really catching on, you know? Doris plans to market this as the Flaunt Your Fins Bra, and if she can get even just one member of the Chinese Olympic swim team to endorse it, we’ll have it made in the shade.”

“Hmm. Well I hope she has better luck than Cousin Horatio did with the Chihuahua-size lap horses he bred in the 1970s. Everyone thought that his Hold Your Horses marketing scheme was brilliant too, but there was just one caveat.”

“What was that, Miss Yoder?”

“Have you ever seen a male horse, Chief?”

“Of course I have. I’ve been living in Hernia, remember?”

“Well, not all the new owners thought that holding an aroused horse, no matter how tiny, was to their liking.”

“Oh.”

“Chief, what happens now to your Minerva J. Jay case?”

“I have no more case-and neither do you. Do you hear me, Miss Yoder?”

“We do seem to have a bad connection.”

“I’m serious, Magdalena.”

“So now, finally, you call me by my first name? What if I object?”

“You could try firing me.”

“Touché.”

“Well, good luck with the case, even though it seems hopeless. But if anyone can solve it, it’s you. That key switch was nothing short of brilliant.”

“It was rather clever of me, wasn’t it?”

“You’re just a bag of tricks, Miss Yoder. You sure you’re not a gay man in drag?”

“Pretty sure. Why? Is that a compliment?”

“Only of the highest caliber. Listen, if it’s all right with you, I’ll be spending the next couple of days in Pittsburgh, and then I’ll be back to clear out my office and pack up my house-unless you want me out of the office sooner.”

“Take your time, dear. Cheerio, tut-tut, and all that sort of rot.” I paused long enough to swallow a lump the size of one of Freni’s dumplings. “Oh, by the way, some of us are going to miss you.”

“Ditto, Magdalena.”

Then I did what comes naturally and hung up the phone.

Clad only in his black silk pajama bottoms, the Babester opened the door languidly. My, what a devilishly handsome creature he was. Had I not just recently passed a watermelon on the floor of Sam Yoder’s Corner Market, I might have jumped his bones, thereby initiating the reproductive process all over again. Speaking only on my own behalf, the most effective birth control in the world is birth.

“Hi, hon, come on in.”

“Just like that? No preamble? No preconditions?”

“Mi casa es su casa.”

“Chili con carne is about all the Spanish I can muster at this hour of the morning-well, or anytime, for that matter. Will I have to have Little Jacob deprogrammed at a later date?”

Gabe laughed and reached for his son. “My house is your house. And it’s his house too. I think he can live with that.”

“Okay, who took my husband’s crabby mechanism and replaced it with this disgustingly cheerful mood? Is there a chickadee hiding behind the couch?”

“A what?”

“I know, strictly speaking a chickadee is a species of bird, but isn’t bird cockney slang for woman?”

“No chickadee, or chick, or bird of any kind; I’m just happy to see you.”

I tried desperately to maintain eye contact. “So you are. Listen, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.”

“Anything. You know that.”

“I do?”

“If I can.”

“Could you please watch my-our-son for the morning?”

“That’s a favor? Come on, hon, that’s not a favor; that’s Heaven.”

I handed him the bag at my feet. “Here’s all the diapers you’ll need, and several onesies, and I’ve expressed two bottles-that device really isn’t too bad in a pinch, ha-ha-but since I just fed him, I should be back in plenty of time to see that he doesn’t starve-even though he may sound that way.”

“Looks like you’ve covered all the bases-Hey, wait just one Yoder minute. This means that you’re about to do something crazy, doesn’t it?”

“I’m always doing crazy things. Ask anyone in town.”

“Hon, look, I know you well enough to realize that there’s no stopping you. So please be careful!”

“Aren’t I always?”

“No, you’re not; but you are very, very lucky. This time be careful, as well as lucky.”

Little Jacob gurgled and burbled similar sentiments.

“There, you see? Do you think I’d take any unnecessary risks with this little guy to come home to?”

“You’ve got me.”

“Sure, it’s probably just gas, but mark my words-What did you say?”

“Darling, I’ve been a donkey’s patooty-as you’d so quaintly put it. I’ve been acting like a spoiled mama’s boy, not the man that I know myself to be. Can you forgive me?”