Andrew Gross - Reckless

“I’m more of a black, no sugar man. But I’m aching to have my horizons expanded.”

“Then my treat.”

They had walked over to a couch. She ordered for him. “I’m sorry to hear about what happened,” she said, stirring her coffee. There was something immediately open and trusting about her, and since the accident, since Hauck’s marriage had dissolved and he had walked away from the force, he hadn’t shared much with anyone. So it was nice just to sit down with someone. And she was pretty. And kind. “Losing a child.”

“Look,” he said, “things have a way of getting a bit gloomy upstairs, so we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want. But thanks.”

“It’s not your fault, you know.” She shrugged. Her eyes were a soft moss green. “I know you don’t believe that now, but it isn’t.”

All he said was “I know.”

April’s smile widened. “No one would believe that you do, you know. Know that.”

He was in a state he had never felt before. Nothing had ever come easily to him. He had to work at everything-school, sports. Those rushing records in high school, they took every ounce of sweat and determination he had. Getting himself into Colby. His brother had talked his way into law school; for Hauck, it just seemed right to go a different direction. Onto the force. And he rose. Made detective before he was thirty. His fancy degree got him recruited to One Police Plaza. Department of Information. Under the eye of the assistant chief. His marriage thrived. Two adorable girls. Back then, the arc of his life seemed unlimited. Forever rising. For just a moment, a fleeting instant, he had let all that focus and dedication relax. Taken his eye off it.

You could never take your eye off it. Then…

“I may not be crazy,” he said, smiling back, “but I’ve sure done some crazy things. Recently…”

“Tell me.”

“I don’t know, all seems kinda stupid now. After the thing with Norah, I sat outside a D’Agostino in Elmhurst for three hours in the middle of the night until I took a brick and flung it through the storefront window.”

“Oh? They give you a roast chicken past the sell date?”

“No.” He shook his head with a bit of a smile. “That’s where I was headed when I let the car back down the driveway…When…”

Even the way she looked at him made him feel better. Like there was an end to this. Like one day, someone would find him interesting again. “Seems stupid now. My precinct head had to intercede. Anyway, that’s how I got here.”

“I drove my daughter to ballet on a combination of OxyContin and antidepressants. I ended up in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.”

“What was in Pennsylvania?” he asked.

April smiled. “Don’t know. The Amish. I just mean to say, you’ve got no monopoly on letting the walls fall down. Your daughter was killed. You felt responsible. Sometimes we all just have to do crazy things. Who threw that brick? You?”

“I don’t know.” Hauck shrugged. “Maybe someone inside me.”

“What does Dr. Paul say? Doctor-patient confidentiality aside, of course.”

“He said it would be good to find out who that person is.”

“Look…” She touched his arm, leaning closer. “Those people upstairs…Some of them have been coming to this group for over ten years. The honest-to-God truth is, there are two types-the ones whose brain chemistry has been out of whack since they were kids. Whose every day is a fight to keep things in balance. Then there’s the people for whom the walls that kept everything together have just temporarily come down. Like your walls. Whether you like it or not.” She cupped her hands around her mug. “Those are the ones just passing through.” There was a twinkle in her eyes. “Sorry, mister, that’s you.”

“Thanks,” he said. He felt almost embarrassed. He looked up and saw her staring at him, not suggestive in any way. But he was sure he saw a little sadness in her too.

“So which type are you?”

By the time Hauck hit the Merritt Parkway, the unrest had grown into something that he had felt many times before and wouldn’t easily go away.

Just passing through. She was right. He had gone to the group for eight sessions. That inner person, he knew damn well who it was now.

It was the person who was about to do this.

He reached for his cell and punched in a number off the speed dial. After a couple rings, a familiar voice picked up. “Collucci,” the person answered.

Vito Collucci was an ex-Stamford detective who had his own successful investigative agency now. Sometimes it had helped to have a source for these kinds of things outside of the force, and he had helped Hauck many times.

“Ty,” Vito said, sounding pleased, “I’m surprised a big shot like you has time to remember the little fish like me. You got my e-mail?”

“Yeah, Vito, that was nice of you. Thanks. You mentioned if you could help out in any way…”

“Jeez, that was only a figure of speech, my friend. But the hell with it, if you’re serious, shoot.”

“I need you to pull me a cell phone history.” Hauck reached over and opened his case. Holding the wheel, he pulled out the profile and read Vito the number. “The subject’s name is Thibault.” He spelled it for him. “First name Dieter. Or Dani. D-AN-I. I know this isn’t particularly glamorous, guy.”

“Yeah, and I can’t even charge you for it,” the private detective replied. “But I’m a little confused. Don’t you have people in that high-profile firm who do this kind of thing routinely?”

Hauck paused, exiting the parkway at Long Ridge Road. Just a small step, he cautioned himself. A toe in the water.

But that’s how everything always got started.

“If it’s okay, I was thinking we might keep this separate from my high-profile firm, Vito. Alright by you?”

The Stamford investigator laughed. “That didn’t take long, Ty.”

His daughter Jessie came up for the weekend. Now that she was fourteen, she took the train up from Grand Central. Every once in a while they drove up to Butternut in Western Massachusetts and went skiing or saw her cousins up near Hartford. Sometimes they just hung at the house and watched a bunch of movies. She was reaching for her independence now full-throttle, and Hauck realized it was getting harder and harder to lure her up there. Something was always popping up-a basketball game at school, Amanda’s party, a Rooney concert. More and more, she spent her time with him with her legs hanging over the couch, on Facebook or on her cell gabbing.

This time, he caved and agreed to take her to see Knocked Up, despite the R rating. Which he regretted from the opening credits.

“Jeez, Dad,” Jessie said afterward as Hauck checked uncomfortably for the sign of some other kids her age, “it’s not like it’s stuff I’ve never seen.”

When the hell had Nemo morphed into Seth Rogen?

That Sunday, he got up early and stole some time on the computer. He took a jog around Hope Cove, and the April morning air was salty and starting to warm. Another month and it would be time to take out the boat. It was anyone’s guess if Jessie would be up for that anymore.

Later, he made pancakes for her when she came out at nine thirty, wiping sleep out of her eyes. He watched her, as he sipped his coffee, in her sweatshirt and pajama bottoms, wondering if there was anything quite as hopeful or beautiful in the world. He missed Norah-he thought of her scrunched-up nose and singsong laughter every day. Eventually Jessie caught him staring blankly. “What, Dad?”

“Nothing,” he said.

After breakfast, he put his face in the sun on the deck overlooking the sound and took out the Sunday New York Times.