Brunonia Barry - The Map of True Places

“Doesn’t it occur to you that maybe I didn’t choose, that I was just acting out my mother’s story?” Zee said, frustrated.

“I don’t think so,” Mattei said.

“It matches.”

“It seems to match by coincidence. You didn’t ask Hawk to climb up the side of the building, or to let you into a house you’d locked yourself out of.”

“I knew he could climb.”

“You didn’t go to the Friendship that first time looking for him. You went to Mickey looking for a carpenter. Again coincidence.”

“On some level I must be playing out the story. The one my mother wrote and that the psychic told her belonged to me,” Zee said.

“Is that how you feel?” Mattei asked.

“It’s what I sometimes think.”

“I’m not talking about thinking, I’m talking about feeling,” Mattei said.

“I don’t know what I feel,” Zee said.

“Sure you do.”

“I feel that there’s something wrong with this whole scenario, but I don’t know what it is,” Zee said.

“Stick with that.”

“My Aunt Ann told me to watch out for Hawk, that he’s not who I think he is,” Zee said.

“Ann the witch?” Mattei made a face. “Psychics, witches…”

“Good point.”

Zee went back to her original statement. “I feel that there’s something wrong here, but I don’t know what it is.”

“It’s uncomfortable for you,” Mattei said.

“Yes.”

“Why do you think it’s uncomfortable?” Mattei asked.

“Because I can’t figure out who he is,” Zee said.

“What do you mean by who he is?”

“I can’t figure out what he wants. I mean, besides the obvious,” Zee said.

“And can you usually figure out what people want?”

“Probably not,” Zee said. “I’m not sure anymore.”

Mattei nodded. She paused for a moment before continuing. “I think what’s uncomfortable for you is not this guy. Let’s set him aside for a minute. I think what’s getting to you is not that you can’t figure out Hawk’s motivation, but that you can’t figure out your own. You just broke off an engagement. You’re faced with caring for an ailing father. You started something up with someone new. In every scenario you have to think about what you want, and it makes you very uncomfortable. Because you don’t know what you want. How could you? For a long time you’ve been doing what other people wanted. So when you actually wanted Hawk, it was a first. It doesn’t really matter how authentic the relationship is, or where it goes. What matters is that you went after something that you wanted, and then you couldn’t handle it.”

Zee sat for a very long time. “You’re right. ‘Simple, simple, case closed,’” she said, quoting Mattei.

“You, my friend, are far from simple.” Mattei smiled.

Zee tried to smile.

“Of course there’s another possibility we’ve neglected to talk about,” Mattei said.

Zee was surprised. Mattei had so clearly nailed it that there didn’t seem to be any other possibility. “What’s that?”

“There’s the possibility that the psychic your mother dragged you to was right, that the story Maureen wrote was really your destiny. That you and Hawk were the young lovers in the story.”

Zee stared at her. Never in all her time with Mattei had she heard anything so out of character. “You don’t believe that for a minute,” Zee said.

Mattei threw her a “gotcha” smile. “Of course I don’t.”

ZEE DIDN’T KNOW HOW she felt about her lunch with Mattei.

She was tense and confused. Still, she knew that something had changed. She felt the way people often feel immediately after a breakthrough in treatment, more at odds and more vulnerable than ever.

And, if the truth were known, all she could think about was Hawk.

It took several days before she decided to do something about it. She was hoping the urge to see him would go away. Or that he would call. When neither of those things happened, she decided she had go to him.

She was nervous boarding his boat. What was she going to say to him? That she’d made a mistake? She wasn’t altogether sure that she had. But the fact was, she wanted to see him again.

She let herself onto the boat and started down the steps when she came face-to-face with Hawk’s friend Josh. She recognized him from the Friendship.

“Is Hawk here?” she asked.

“No,” Josh said. “He quit. He rented me his boat for the rest of the season.”

“Do you have any idea where he is?”

“I know,” Josh said. “But I’m not so sure he wants me to tell you.”

“Please,” she said. “I really need to talk to him.” She took a breath and tried to compose herself. “I made a mistake.”

He thought about it. He looked around and found the address. Still skeptical, he copied it down and handed it to her.

“Thank you,” she said.

AS SHE DROVE TO MARBLEHEAD, she tried to figure out what to say. He had every right to hate her, but she hoped he didn’t. Maybe she would say that, she thought. She tried to figure out what she wanted from the relationship, but it was too early to know. If he asked her, she’d have to admit she had no idea. All she knew was that she couldn’t stand the prospect of never seeing him again.

His apartment was on a busy part of Pleasant Street. She couldn’t find a parking space on the right side of the street, so she turned around in the bank’s parking lot and parked in front of the Spirit of ’76 Bookstore. She waited for the light, then crossed in front of the Rip Tide and walked down a few houses until she found the number Josh had written on the paper. There was a seamstress shop on the first floor of the building and an outside staircase leading to an apartment on the second floor. Hawk’s van was in the driveway. The upstairs windows were open. He was home.

She told herself to calm down as she climbed the stairs and rang the bell. The name on the mailbox read MOHAWK.

She couldn’t tell if the doorbell had rung-she couldn’t hear it. She waited. When no one came to the door, she decided to knock. Her heart was pounding.

Hawk opened the door and stared at her. “What are you doing here?”

“May I come in?”

He held the door open, and she walked into the room.

“I went to your boat… You weren’t there.” It was probably the stupidest thing she had ever said.

He looked at her. He said nothing.

“I’ll go, if you want.”

“No,” he said. “Just give me a minute.” He walked to the other room and finished a phone call. “Have a seat,” he said, gesturing to a plush green couch against the back wall.

She took a seat. The couch was more comfortable than it looked. She sank into it. She sat there, looking around the room, surprised by how familiar it seemed to her, how it made her feel. Though she was nervous about what she was going to say to him, she felt something different here. Safe, she thought.

A few minutes later, he came back and took a seat across from her in a straight chair that looked anything but comfortable.

“I wanted to apologize,” she said.

“You don’t need to,” he said, shrugging it off.

“Yes, I do,” she said.

He looked at her.

“I’m really sorry,” she said.

“Okay,” he said.

She had no idea what to say next. She looked around the room. “I feel as if I’ve been here before,” she said. Then she searched for something else to say. “I thought you lived on the Salem Harbor side of town.”

“I grew up there. My mother lives there now.”

She nodded. “I have the weirdest feeling I’ve been here before.”

“So you came all the way over here just to tell me you’ve been here before?”