Emma Darcy - The Ultimate Choice

'Yes. Yes, I do, Grandpa,' she said firmly. 'More than I've ever wanted anything.'

'Kelly…!'

Her grandfather's distraught cry drew her gaze back to him. He was shaking his head in despair. He heaved a deep sigh and turned to Justin.

'I'm an old man. I'd like to see my granddaughter settled happily before I die. Will you make her happy?'

'If it's within my power. I'll give her what I can, Mr O'Reilly. But only Kelly can tell you if her happiness truly lies with me,' Justin answered circumspectly, then slowly added, 'I will never deliberately hurt her. It's far more likely that she will hurt me.'

'You loved Noni Lloyd,' her grandfather shot at him accusingly.

Justin's face tightened into cold hauteur. 'That's true.' He swept them both with a look of glittering bitterness. 'I'll leave you to dissect me in private. Goodnight.'

He was out of the kitchen and down the hallway before Kelly recovered enough from his exit line to fly after him.

'Justin…'

He halted on the veranda. 'You can give up the charade now, Kelly,' he said wearily. 'You've got what you want. Your grandfather won't come to any harm at my hand. Now be a good girl, and leave me alone.'

Kelly hesitated, tormented by the knowledge that she had pushed Justin through one hellish pressure after another today. He looked totally drained, his eyes bleak and lifeless, his face older than his years. The strong sense of purpose that had justified all her decisions wavered and fell.

No matter what emotions she had stirred in him, Kelly felt in that moment she had failed… would always fail to earn the pure, unfettered love he had given to Noni. The bond they shared was twisted, shadowed, tainted.

A feeling of utter helplessness flooded through her as she envisaged Justin returning to Marian Park, sitting in the drawing-room, staring at Noni's portrait with that aching look of loss and yearning.

'Leave me alone.' The words beat a tattoo of despair through Kelly's heart. She watched him turn away from her, his shoulders hunched against the insidious arrows that fortune had flung at him, his footsteps painfully uneven in his walk from the veranda to his car. He did not look back at her, not even when he settled into the driver's seat and started the engine, nor when he drove away… leaving her alone.

'Kelly…'

She couldn't reply to her grandfather's call. She felt drained, too…drained and broken and lost. There was no fight left in her… nothing. Her eyes followed the tail-lights of Justin's car. They seemed to glitter derisively at her as the wheels bumped along the rutted road to the gate.

An arm curved around her limp shoulders and squeezed. 'You really do love him, Kelly?' her grandfather asked gently.

'Yes…it was a whisper of yearning, broken by a sigh of despair '… but he doesn't believe me, Grandpa.'

'Because of the ram?' came the gruff question. He swung her around to face him, his face deeply lined with urgent concern. 'Go after him, Kelly. Go after him and make him believe you.'

She stared up at him with empty eyes. 'I tried. I tried all I could. It wasn't… good enough, Grandpa.'

His fingers dug into her shoulders. 'You're not beaten. Do you hear me, Kelly? You've been thrown. That's all. And what you do when you're thrown? Get right back on that horse before either you or he has time to think about it. Now go after Justin St John and stamp your will on him before it's too late.'

'It is… too late.'

'No!' His gaze stabbed over her shoulder and his mouth curved with grim satisfaction. 'Old habits die hard. The judge shut the gate when he left. Your man has had to stop, Kelly. Go now. You can catch him if you run hard.'

He half propelled her down the veranda steps and Kelly stumbled into a run, her legs pushed along by a force that was beyond her control, gathering a headlong momentum that pounded with painful need…a frantic, hounding need that had no hope, yet would not be denied.

Justin's car was at a standstill. The gate looked a garish white in the headlights. Kelly didn't understand why Justin was still in the car, why he hadn't moved. Her heart was bursting. Each breath was a pant of agony. He would get out, any second now. He would open the gate and go…and she wouldn't reach him in time. The red tail-lights mocked her, but her legs kept churning on…closer…closer…

The car door swung slowly open. Justin's silhouette unfolded against it. He leaned against the car as if he needed support, as if all purpose had deserted him and he was trapped there motionless, neither moving forward nor retreating… a shadow without life or meaning.

'Justin…Her cry was a thin, reedy sound, insubstantial, yet wafting on the stillness of the night, reaching him, twisting him around.

'Kelly…' His cry was hoarse, driven, tortured…

'Wait… wait…'

She did not have the breath, the strength to plead more, but he waited. He even took a step towards her as she half fell against the boot of the car in blind exhaustion.

'Listen…please listen to me,' she gasped, not knowing what to say, only knowing that he had waited and was giving her the chance to say something. Tears of desperation sprang into her eyes. Her throat burned as she dredged words from her heart and forced them out.

'Justin, I know you will only ever love Noni. I loved her, too. She was like a big sister to me… so warm and kind and always so much fun to be with. I missed her…very much…and while she'll always live in my heart, she's not here any more, Justin. And I am.'

The tears overflowed and trickled down her cheeks, but Kelly wasn't even aware of them. Her whole being was concentrated on the man who was her life.

'I love you,' she said in passionate entreaty. 'If I didn't love you, I wouldn't fight with you. I'd give in to everything you want. But I won't. It's wrong, what you're doing… the way you've let things affect you…'

Her breath was coming in chaotic sobs and Justin's face was only a blur, but the words kept spilling from her lips in a torrent of despairing appeal. 'When you held me in your arms tonight, that was real… wasn't it? You loved me… a little, didn't you? Enough to… to have something good with me, even though I'm not Noni…'

'Don't!' The cry was wrung from him, scraping through the mangle of doubts that had entangled the truth. He lurched forward. His arms wrapped around her and held her tightly to him. 'Don't say that, Kelly. Don't ever say that again,' he implored huskily.

His voice was half muffled as he rubbed his face over the top of her head again and again. 'I did love Noni. I always will. She was everything you said she was and more… much more. But you, my darling girl… you are the life I want more than any other.'

Kelly barely heard the words. He was holding her, holding her as if he never wanted to let her go, and she burrowed her face into his shoulder, flung her arms around his waist, and clung as hard as she could.

He drew in a ragged breath. 'How can I explain it to you?' He sounded as desperate as she felt. His voice floated over her, strained with regret and hope and need. 'With Noni, love was a splendid discovery, a wonderful new dimension of life, and I took it for granted that it would go on forever. It was a shattering blow when she died. So this time… with you…' He gave a shuddering sigh. 'It frightens me… what I feel for you, Kelly. It's so deep, it ravages my soul. I've tried desperately hard to control it. To protect myself. To protect you. It's so terribly strong…the temptation to take you, keep you entirely to myself, hold you safe from anything that might take you away from me. I have to keep fighting it.'

He pulled slightly away to cup her face with infinite tenderness. 'I know I would stifle all your joy in life if I did that. And I love your joy, your courage, your unbounded spirit, Kelly. I love what you are… all that you are… too much to change one part of it.'