Danny Tobey - The Faculty Club

I looked at myself in the mirror, straightened my tie, checked my teeth, and marched into the crowd.

• • •

Halfway through my second drink, I bumped into a walrus of a man, complete with a comically curled mustache. His tuxedo shirt strained at the buttons, and his woolly hair was parted on the left and traveled away from his cowlick in two heavily gelled waves. I don’t know if I walked into him or he walked into me; more likely, the crowd surged us together, until there was no choice but to say something. I would’ve been okay with “Excuse me,” but he raised a plate and showed me a half-devoured piece of cake.

“I shouldn’t be eating this,” he confided.

“Why not?”

“Just had a quadro six months ago. Know what a quadro is?”

“Not really.”

“Quadruple bypass. Fucking doctors cracked my chest wide open. Got a scar from here to here. Nasty. Wife says I look like Frankenstein.”

Frankenstein on an all-brownie diet, maybe.

“Know the old saying ‘Live fast, die young, leave a good-looking corpse’?”

“Sure. Like James Dean.”

“Right-o. My motto is, ‘Live fast, see your cardiologist, and leave a fat old corpse!’”

He gave a wheezy, disturbing laugh that involved his hands and shoulders. He mopped the walrus mustache with a handkerchief.

“Beautiful ceremony, no?” he asked, mouth full of cake.

Ceremony? What was he talking about?

“Excuse me?” I said.

“Good grief, man, the wedding.”

What wedding?

I decided to play along, for lack of a better plan.

“Yeah,” I said. “It was great.” I held out my hand. “Jeremy Davis.”

“Ah. Gordon Perry.” He crushed my hand in his meaty palm. “Bride’s side or groom’s side?”

I gave him a chummy smile.

“Guess,” I said.

He scrunched his face up and scrutinized me. “Young. Handsome. Employable. Must be bride’s side.”

“Right-o,” I said.

“Ha! Maybe you can inform my wife I’m not a complete fucking idiot.”

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

“And what do you do for a living, Jeremy?” he asked, placing another forkful of cake into his crowded mouth.

“I’m a law student,” I said.

“Oh, great. That’s what this country needs. Another lawyer.”

Okay, wait a second. Lawyer-bashing? Walrus men? Was I even at the right party?

“Say,” he said, pointing his fork at me. “Know what you call ten thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!”

He poked my chest with the back of his fork-holding hand and gave the wheezy laugh again, louder this time, his head and shoulders bobbing up and down until his face started to flush.

Suddenly, behind the man I spotted Daphne, across the room in a black dress that dipped just slightly between her breasts. I felt a shock of excitement. Her hair was twisted up over her head, showing off the long, creamy curve of her neck. She was surrounded by a crowd of attentive men and unhappy-looking wives. Her eyes caught mine, and I felt a jolt shoot down my stomach.

Without thinking, I took a step in her direction. It was a bit unsteady-how fast had I polished off those drinks?

A thick walrus hand clamped down on my shoulder.

“Wait, wait. A lawyer and a snake get run over in the middle of the road. How do you tell the difference?”

I pinched my eyes closed for a second, took a deep breath, let it out.

“How?”

“The snake’s the one with tire marks in front of him!”

The man got even redder this time. Little beads of sweat popped out on his forehead. He dabbed at them with the handkerchief. I started to worry he was going to have another heart attack right here.

I looked back to where Daphne had been, but she was gone. I felt an intense longing for that tan neck, the bright red lips, the blue eyes framed by black hair.

“Myself, I’m in the life insurance game,” the walrus was saying. His eyes lit up, like a great idea had just occurred to him. “Say…” he said, poking my chest again.

I pointed to my drink.

“Looks like I could use a refill. Very nice meeting you.”

I pressed deep into the room, trying to put as much crowd between me and my new friend as possible. Near the bar, I heard a familiar voice. I saw the tall, handsome figure of John Anderson, standing a full head above the crowd. He had his quarterback arms spread, each one around the shoulder of an older, distinguished-looking man.

“Judge Hermann, I found a Raiders fan for you to argue with,” he said.

Everyone in their circle laughed, and I felt a surge of envy. Great, I thought-he’s chatting with a judge, and I’m trading lawyer jokes with Archie Bunker.

I decided not to pass through John’s view. I set out toward the opposite bar instead. I saw a table where a bride and groom were chatting with guests. Behind them was a band on a small dais, bronze horns and a cocktail singer in full swing. What the hell were we doing at someone’s wedding reception?

A wave of relief spread over me as I spotted Nigel, chatting with a serious-looking older woman in an expensive suit.

“Nigel,” I said, a little louder than I meant to. “Hey, Nigel!”

He cast a quick glance at me and said something to the woman. They shook hands, and she handed him a business card from her fancy purse.

He stepped over to me.

“Jeremy,” he said brightly, giving me the once-over. “How are you, old chap?” He shook my hand like we hadn’t seen each other in years.

“I don’t know, Nigel. This party. These people. It’s not what I expected.”

“I see.” He stole a glance around me. A quick one, but long enough for me to catch him.

“These are definitely not the people I expected to be associated with”-I lowered my voice to a pseudo-whisper-“you-know-what.”

Was I somewhat drunk? All my words seemed a little harsher than I meant them.

Nigel put his arm around me and led me toward the middle of the room. He said quietly, “I doubt very much that these people have anything to do with the V &D.”

He looked at me, waiting.

“So what are we doing here?”

I was starting to feel angry, like everyone knew something I didn’t.

“They’re watching us, Jeremy,” he whispered, his lips moving so slightly I could barely make out the words. “On the other side of the mirrors.” His gaze held me, keeping me from swinging my head around to the long, graceful mirrors that paneled the walls on all sides of us. “They want to see how we socialize. If we can blend in, find the important people in the room.” Nigel came in close. “They’re watching us, and you need to get your shit together.” Suddenly, his voice was full volume and cheery. “I think you will love soccer, once you get over your Texan football obsession.” He gave a hearty laugh and clasped my shoulder. “My father has a wonderful box. We’ll get you over there soon, eh?” He smiled without a care in the world and walked away.

I had a momentary flashback of checking my teeth in the mirror earlier tonight. I cringed. I pictured John Anderson cracking up the judges and politicians, reflected on every wall of the room. I decided to get drunk, under the delusion that I wasn’t already.

At the bar, the man next to me smirked, like we were in on the same joke.

“Can you believe this fuckin’ party?”

He was one of those short, tense, beefed-up men who exude violence, the kind of guy who would wear a Texas hat into an Oklahoma bar. He was strapped with muscles and his tuxedo strained against them. I decided to give him a What can you do? shrug and then look away politely.

“You seen Derrick?”

The hairs on the back of my neck were up now. I should’ve just said no. I’m not sure why I didn’t.