David Moody - Dog Blood

“Kill me,” he says, his breath a hissing, choked whisper, “and you’ve lost everything.”

I pull harder, feeling the chain digging into his neck, constricting his windpipe and cutting off his air supply.

Then I stop. What did he say? Is he right…?

He flops over onto his front, gasping for breath, and starts to crawl away. He’s barely gone a yard when I snap myself out of this stupid malaise. I reach out, grab his leg, and drag him back, feeling myself getting stronger by the second. I roll him over and form my hand into a chain-wrapped fist. I’m ready to smash it into his face when he speaks again.

“Break the cycle.”

I punch him, just catching his jaw as he turns his head away. I straddle his out-of-shape body, a knee on either side to stop him moving, ready to end his miserable life. My left leg is wet. He’s pissed himself with fear.

“Now who stinks of piss?”

I lift my fist again, and he raises his arms to cover his face.

“Please, Danny. Show some control. Kill me now and they’ll leave you chained up here to rot.”

I pull my fist back even farther. If I hit him this time I know I’ll finish him.

“Think about your family. Think about what you could do if you got out of here.”

Bullshit.

Is it?

He’s right about one thing-I’m still chained to the wall and I can’t escape this room. And I know he only mentioned my family for effect, but how can I do anything to help Ellis if I’m stuck here and left to starve? I can see the keys on the floor, well out of reach.

Against my better judgment-against everything I feel and believe-I stand up and step back. Mallon scrambles to safety, holding his mouth and spitting blood onto the floor. Is the fucker going to leave me here now? He staggers away, then stops. Still rubbing his jaw, he turns around and grins, blood covering his yellow-white teeth.

“You did it! I knew you could!”

“What?”

“You did it, Danny. More to the point, you didn’t do it.”

I don’t understand. He sits down, exhausted, breathing heavily. I walk as far as the chains will let me.

“I gave you a chance to kill me, and you didn’t take it. You almost did, but you stopped yourself. You held the Hate.”

“Only because-” I start to explain. He holds up his hand to stop me talking and washes out his mouth with water from my bottle. One of us must have kicked it across the room in the fight. He spits red-tinged water out onto the dirty carpet.

“Doesn’t matter why,” he says, “fact is you did it. Takes a person of intelligence to do that. Someone who can look beyond all this hatred and fighting and see what’s really important.”

Patronizing bastard.

“I made a mistake and you got lucky.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think so.”

“I do.”

“No,” he says, his voice suddenly more serious, “you’re wrong. This is what happened-I gave you an opportunity to kill me, which you instinctively tried to take. But, before you could do it, you stopped and weighed up the pros and cons. And you realized your choice was pretty stark: kill me and rot here, or let me go and survive.”

Bastard. He’s right.

“What’s important,” he continues, “is the fact that you overruled your instincts. Like I said, you held the Hate.”

I can’t argue. I want to, but I can’t. I sit down opposite him. I should have killed him, but I didn’t. What does that make me? I feel strangely dirty and defiled, as if I’ve just made the most embarrassing, basic mistake, like a teenaged boy caught jerking off by his mom. In the distance I can hear the muffled thump and bangs of explosions. Elsewhere the fighting continues. It should have continued in here, too. I should reach across, grab hold of him, and kill him now. But I don’t.

“So how did it happen to you?” he asks, mouth still bleeding. “I’ve told you my story, Danny, what your people did to my family. Now you tell me yours.”

I say nothing.

“Come on… what have you got to lose by talking to me? Face facts. I could have had you killed when you first arrived here, but I didn’t. I could have done it myself, but instead I’ve fed you, watered you, I haven’t tortured you… You don’t have any information I want, no top secret plans of attack… There’s no need for you not to speak now. You’ve already done the hard part; now finish the job. Break the cycle. Talk to me like the rational human being I know you really are. It’s up to you.”

I can see the frustration in his face. Truth is, I’m not trying to be defiant now. I’m thinking about what he said. Either he’s right and I’ve got nothing left to lose, or it’s too late and I’ve already lost it all. Or is my sudden pathetic weakness just a result of the physical and emotional stress of captivity? Have I just lost the ability to think straight?

“Back in your room yesterday,” he continues, “you flinched when I mentioned your family. Those things I found in your bag, the doll and the clothes… Do you want to start there? Are they trophies or reminders?”

I try hard to hide it, but my reaction when he mentions my family is disappointingly obvious. He immediately picks up on it.

“So what happened? Were you with them when you changed? Are you carrying around some kind of guilt because you killed the people you used to love?”

Can’t help myself. He’s hit a nerve. “My only guilt is that I didn’t kill them.” My voice sounds loud and overamplified, alien and strange.

“Tell me more…”

“I was confused, disoriented,” I tell him, my words sounding angry, strangled by emotion. “Should have killed them, but I didn’t. They caught me off guard.”

“Partner?”

I nod my head.

“Kids?”

“Three. One like me, two like you.”

He looks confused. “One like you?”

“Ellis, my daughter.”

“What happened to her?”

I’m about to tell him, but I stop myself, suddenly remembering that I’m talking to one of the Unchanged. Don’t want him to know she’s the reason I came back to the city.

“Her mother took her,” I answer, spitting out the words. He nods slowly, trying to make it look like he understands.

“Must be hard to deal with,” he says. “I mean, I thought I’d had it bad, but at least I know what happened to my family. I know they’re both dead and I’ve had closure, but you, you don’t have a clue where any of them are or even if they’re still alive.”

“I should have killed them,” I say again.

“I can’t begin to imagine what you’ve been through. The realization you were a killer must have been hard enough. How did they get away?”

“I was disoriented. I’d kill them in a heartbeat if they were here now.”

“You didn’t kill me.”

“No, but I-”

“You’re from around here, right?” he interrupts.

“Depends where here is.”

“What about the other two kids?”

“Two boys. One older, one younger than my girl.”

“Really tough,” he says quietly, shaking his head and rinsing his bloody mouth out again. “So how have you coped?”

Is he mocking me now?

“I’ve killed as many of you fuckers as I’ve been able to find,” I answer, feeling my body start to tense up again.

“Except me.”

“There’s still time…”

“Okay,” he says quickly, leaning back and looking up at the ceiling, “but has it actually helped? Has it got you any closer to getting your daughter back? I presume that’s what you were heading back to the city for?”

Christ, I have to give him his due, he’s good. That one came from out of nowhere.

“I’ll find her if it’s the last thing I do.”

“That’s good.”