A Martinez - Divine Misfortune

A cloud of buzzing locusts covered every window of the house, allowing just enough sunlight to keep the interior in shadowy twilight.

“It’ll be okay,” said Lucky. “Everything will be okay.”

Gorgoz rolled his eyes. Considering the size of them, it was quite a feat. He waved his hand at Lucky. The projection faded away.

“He won’t be bothering us for a while.” Gorgoz gestured toward the sofa. “Have a seat.”

The mortals hesitated.

“If I wanted to kill you, you’d be dead by now. Well, probably not by now. But you’d be on your way to dead, and you’d know it.” He tried to smile pleasantly, but it only came across as hungry and menacing, the best he could manage.

They sat. Gorgoz took a seat in the chair beside the sofa. His charred form blackened the upholstery. Claws had sprung from his fingertips and a touch of slime dripped from his pores.

“Never really was very good at the mortal-disguise business.”

In a flash, he sat before them in his true form, a seven-foot-tall, lanky god wrapped in a tattered bathrobe.

“You’re probably wondering why you’re not dead yet.”

They nodded.

“Oh, sure. I could kill you right now. Allow your useless god to project and then slay you right in front of him. And yes, it would be worth a laugh.”

He gazed dreamily into the distance and smiled wistfully.

“No, no. Everyone keeps insisting this is a more civilized age. And I can play along. Sure, I can. Rather than kill you, I’ve decided to show you that even I can be… reasonable.”

He leaned forward and interlaced his fingers.

“How would you like to renounce your god and take me on as your new lord and master? Hmmm? Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

An awkward moment of silence filled the room.

“Oh, don’t all speak up all at once.” Gorgoz heaved a sigh. “I get it. You are all”-he made air quotes-” nice people. You’re not the kinds of mortals to normally sign up with a god of chaos and death. And normally, such as you are beneath my notice. But I’m adaptable. And I want you to join my team.”

There was another quiet moment.

“Any questions?” asked Gorgoz. “Any questions at all? I promise I won’t bite your heads off.” He leaned back and studied his claws. “I usually like to start with the limbs.”

Janet said, “Why us?”

“A fair question. And I’ll give you an honest answer. I’ve killed or had killed a few hundred of Lucky’s followers over the centuries. And I could devour you all now, and it would amuse me. But I came upon an idea that would amuse me more. Why slay you when I can steal you away?

“I know what you’re thinking. What’s the catch? What do you have to do to convince me of your sincerity? And here’s the best part.” Gorgoz cleared his throat and smiled. “All I’m asking in return is absolutely nothing. That’s right. Not a drop of spilled blood or a single dime. Not a prayer or an inconvenient, arbitrary behavioral inhibition. Not a single act of tribute. You won’t have to do a thing different than how you’re living your life now and in return, you shall have my favor. Your enemies shall perish. Wealth will fall into your laps. And every desire you could ever ask for will be yours until your weak mortal bodies finally succumb to their inevitable frailty. And all you have to do is renounce your god and proclaim me as your new lord.”

Gorgoz spread his hands, palms out, in a wide, welcoming gesture. His toothy grin was anything but reassuring.

“Oh, I know what’s going through your troubled mortal minds. How can you possibly trust me? To which I reply…”

He threw back his head and cackled.

“You can’t. I could be lying. I most probably am. This could all be some twisted game I’m playing where I’m just trying to screw with Lucky by getting you to abandon him. Then I’ll devour you anyway because… well, I’d be lying if I didn’t say it sounded like it would be worth a giggle. But all of that is hardly relevant. What should allow you to make this decision, all you truly need to know, is that you don’t really have a choice. It’s the slim hope that I’ll keep my word versus the absolute certainty that I will kill you if you refuse.”

A clap of thunder rattled the house.

“Ah, excellent. My demonstration has arrived. Come along. You must see this. I think you’ll find it enlightening.”

The locusts flew away. The vipers disappeared. And the shark/bear creature lumbered to one side as Gorgoz exited the front door. Several Divine Affairs automobiles had blocked off the street. The agents stood at the ready. One of them shouted into a megaphone.

“Gorgoz, you are instructed to surrender for disciplinary action.”

“I was hoping they’d be watching,” said Gorgoz with a smile.

Thick clouds roiled overhead. A bolt of lightning struck the front yard and a tall, broad-shouldered, redheaded god stood in its wake.

“Thor,” remarked Gorgoz, “how long has it been?”

“Not nearly long enough,” replied Thor.

The clouds churned, swirling into a funnel that touched down beside the god of thunder. A red-faced deity with the face of a leopard stepped from the howling winds. He carried a bag over his shoulder.

“I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure,” said Gorgoz.

“Fujin!” When the deity spoke, a gale blasted from his lungs, stripping the leaves from a tree and then uprooting it. He covered his mouth and winced. “Sorry!”

Fujin’s shadow stretched out from his feet and expanded to three dimensions. This god was a living darkness.

Gorgoz scowled. “Oh, Og, don’t tell me they tamed you, too?”

“Times have changed,” said Ogbunabali. “We’ve come to see that you finally change with them.”

“This is what it’s come to?” asked Gorgoz. “We’re not only allowing mortals to skitter about unchallenged, we’re even enforcing their rules?”

“It’s not like that,” said Thor, unbuttoning his double-breasted suit. He pulled out his hammer, a massive weapon that crackled with electricity. “We don’t boss the mortals around, and they don’t boss us. It’s a partnership. It always has been.”

“Some of us just figured it out sooner than others!” shouted Fujin, stripping half the grass off the lawn.

“It doesn’t have to go down like this,” said Ogbunabali.

“No, it doesn’t,” replied Gorgoz. “Join me. It’s time for us to rise up and show these-”

“Enough talk.” Thor hurled his hammer. It collided with Gorgoz, knocking him off his feet. The hammer swerved upward, carrying Gorgoz with it. It soared upward a mile, reversed, then came crashing to earth, all within the blink of an eye. Gorgoz was driven into the ground with a deafening thunderclap. The shock wave knocked several cars over. Underground pipes burst, spewing geysers into the air.

The gods advanced on the smoking crater in the front lawn.

“That was a little much, don’t you think?” asked Og.

“He wanted to do it the hard way,” said Thor.

The ground rumbled. Coughing, Gorgoz climbed up to the pit’s edge. Half of his teeth were missing, and he spit up a glob of black slime.

“Not bad, not bad. Nice to see you have a little fight left in you.

“Do yourself a favor and stay down, Gorg. I don’t relish beating the snot out of you.” Thor raised his hammer. “Maybe I relish it a little.”

He brought it down on Gorgoz’s skull. Or tried to. But Gorgoz caught Thor’s wrist. The gods struggled for a moment, and then, with a grin and a twist, Gorgoz forced Thor to his knees.

Gorgoz wrenched the hammer free, grabbed Thor by the throat, and with a whirl like a discus thrower, hurled the god of thunder into the atmosphere.