A Martinez: Divine Misfortune

They pricked their fingers with a needle and prepared to click on the ACCEPT button together.

She studied the blood on her fingertip. “This better not screw up my mouse.”

They clicked the button together. Teri retrieved some paper towels to wipe off the red stain. They spent a few more minutes filling out consent forms and double- and triple-clicking confirmation buttons. With the establishment of the Court of Divine Affairs, worship had become much more paperwork-intensive.

“Do we have to go pick up the idol ourselves?” she asked. “Or do they drop it off as part of the service?”

The doorbell rang.

They answered it together.

A small mound of rainbow-colored luggage occupied their porch. On top of it sat a raccoon in an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and denim shorts. He wore sunglasses, even though it was night.

“You must be Phil and Teri, right?”

They nodded.

The raccoon hopped up, put his hands on his hips, and struck a dramatic pose. “Behold your new god. Luka, lord of prosperity and good fortune.”

He lowered his sunglasses to the end of his nose and smiled.

“Where should I put my stuff?”

“Nice digs,” said Luka as he pushed his way past Phil and Teri. “Not exactly the palace of the High Magistrate of Atlantis, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?”

“You’re Luka?” asked Teri.

“The one and only. And, please, call me Lucky.” He tucked his sunglasses into his pocket and imitated a gun with his finger, once at each of them. “Anything to drink? I just descended from the heavens and could really use some juice.”

“We have soda,” said Teri. “Sorry, no juice.”

“I’ll take a Coke, thanks.”

She went into the kitchen. Awkward silence filled the room. Phil didn’t look directly at Lucky. Then he felt weird about it, so he made eye contact with his new god. Lucky winked.

Teri returned. “All we had was Dr. Pepper.”

“That’ll do.” He chugged the entire beverage in one long drink. “So do I throw this away or do you recycle?”

Teri took the can and went back to the kitchen. She didn’t return right away, leaving Phil and Lucky to stare at each other some more.

“Something wrong, Phil?” asked Lucky.

“No, no,” Phil replied quickly. “I mean, no, not really. It’s just…

“It’s just you thought I’d be taller.”

Phil nodded.

“Like this.” Lucky transformed into the more traditional figure seen in the video. Human in proportion, though the head remained the same. “This is for show. Helps to get people’s attention. But it’s not how I always look. Do you think Hermes always wears the winged sandals? Or that Osiris keeps that falcon head on all the time?”

“It’s not his real head?”

“Naw. He just wears it to hide his bald spot. You didn’t hear that from me. We’re gods. Our bodies are like your clothes. They’re largely a matter of personal preference.” He transformed back into his smaller, more casual form. “I’m just more comfortable this way. If it’s all the same to you. Not going to be a problem, is it?”

Phil shook his head.

“Cool. So where’s your bathroom?”

Phil pointed down the hall.

“Thanks. Be right back. What are we having for dinner tonight? I have a hankering for tacos.”

He shut the door behind him.

Teri dared to venture from the kitchen. “Did he leave?”

“He’s in the bathroom,” said Phil.

“Gods use the bathroom?” asked Teri.

“Maybe he wants to wash his hands. I think raccoons like to do that.”

“But he’s not really a raccoon, is he?”

Phil lowered his voice, afraid Lucky might hear them. “I don’t think so, but maybe he has some of their tendencies while in that form.”

The toilet flushed. They heard the water in the sink run, and Phil elbowed Teri to point out that he was right about the hand-washing.

Lucky came out, drying his hands on his shirt.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and tonight feels more like a burger night. But I’m open.”

He took a seat on the couch and used the remote to turn on the television. “Aw, shoot. This isn’t high-def, is it?”

“No,” said Phil. “We’re sorry, uh, Master.”

“How many channels do you get?”

Phil and Teri each waited for the other to answer the question.

“I’m not really sure,” Phil finally said.

“You’ve got premium, right?” asked Lucky.

Phil hesitated. “It’s just basic.”

“Aw, crud,” said Lucky.

“Our apologies… Master.”

“Will you cut out that master stuff? It’s Lucky. Just Lucky. It’s not your fault. It’s that damn matchmaking service. You’d think with all the forms you have to fill out they’d have a space for cable package somewhere, right? It’s not ideal, but I can live with it. Maybe your next paycheck you might consider getting an upgrade. I’m not trying to impose or anything, but a nice, upstanding American couple like yourselves can really do better than basic cable. Still, as long as we’ve got Oxygen and Discovery, I guess I’m good.”

He flipped through the channels too rapidly to even see what was on.

“How are those burgers coming along, kids?”

“I don’t think we have everything we need here,” said Phil.

“Well, they have these great new things called grocery stores. Very handy. Or, if you prefer, you can swing through a drive-through. I’ll take a Big Mac and a cherry pie. But before you go, we should probably get my stuff inside first. Where’s my room?”

“Room?” repeated Teri.

“Don’t tell me. No room. Disappointing, but heck, I don’t mind crashing on the couch.”

“Excuse me,” said Teri, “but you want to move in?”

“You bet.”

“Here?”

Lucky nodded.

“In our house?”

Lucky muted the television. “Let’s get down to brass tacks, shall we? I’m not one of those gods who sits up high on his mountain and looks down upon his followers like interchangeable minions. I’m more hands-on. Quality not quantity, that’s my motto. And I have a good feeling about you two. I’m not just in this for myself. Sure, when you guys do better, the divine karmic feedback loop means that I do better. But that’s just a fringe benefit. I want you to be happy, and the only way I can feel comfortable doing that is to be down here, in the trenches, with you fine folks.”

Phil and Teri smiled weakly.

“I know, I know,” said Lucky. “Too good to be true, isn’t it?”

“Would you excuse us for a moment?” asked Teri.

“Sure. I’ll just grab something to nosh on until dinner, if that’s all right with you?”

“Please, help yourself.”

They kept their feeble smiles until Lucky went to the kitchen.

“He can’t stay here,” Teri harshly whispered.

“I don’t think we have a choice,” said Phil. “We agreed to allow him into our home.”

“But I thought that meant an altar or an idol or something like that. Isn’t that normally how it works? Your parents had a god, right? You should know.”

“There was an idol. Once a month, they sacrificed a dove to it, I think.”

She glared.

“What? They didn’t involve me in it. It was only a minor pact with a minor god. Just something to keep the house from needing repairs.”

“I don’t want him in my house,” she said. “You have to tell him.”

“Me? Why?”

“Because it was your idea to do this.”

Phil said, “But when I changed my mind, you’re the one who said we should do it. Remember the cat? The freakin’ miracle cat?”

“I wouldn’t have had a miracle cat if you hadn’t put the idea in my head in the first place.”