A Martinez - Divine Misfortune

“The big deal is that there’s a giant snake serving us breakfast.”

“A good breakfast,” said Phil.

She glared. “Doesn’t he have a human form, at least?”

“Lucky said he doesn’t like to wear it anymore.”

Before she could ask why, Quick slipped out of the kitchen and laid two tall glasses of milk before them.

Teri excused herself again. The shower wasn’t running, so she knocked on the bathroom door. “I hate to be a pest, but I really need to get ready for work.” She added a hastily mumbled, “M’lord.”

Janet opened the bathroom door. “No problem, hon. Though you can ease up on the titles. It’s your bathroom after all.”

By the time Teri took her shower, Janet had already left. Work was hectic, so they had to put off any confrontation until lunch. Teri wasn’t sure if Janet would be waiting at their usual deli table, but she was there, looking innocent.

“Hi, hon.”

Teri slammed her tray onto the table. “You had sexual intercourse with my god.”

“Yeah?” said Janet. “So?”

“Sex. With my god.”

“Is that a problem?”

Teri’s jaw dropped.

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Janet.

Teri tried to verbalize it, but she realized she didn’t know what the problem was.

“It just seems like a bad idea,” she finally said.

“Why?”

“Because he’s my god. It could make things complicated.”

Janet laughed. “Oh, hon, you really are new to this, aren’t you? It’s not complicated. That’s one of the things I love about god sex. It’s no strings attached.”

“Wait a second.” Teri lowered her voice. “You’ve done this before.”

“Sure. All the time.”

“All the time?”

“Well, not all the time.” Janet counted off on her fingers. “Six times.”

Teri leaned forward. “Isn’t that dangerous?”

“I’m careful. I use protection. I don’t care if Xochipilli himself appeared to me, all oiled up and ready for a night of sensual delights, no glove, no love. That’s my policy.

“If it’ll make you feel better, I promise not to see him again,” said Janet.

“Thanks.”

Teri struggled to wrap her mind around this.

“What if he wants to see you again?”

“You don’t have to worry, hon,” said Janet. “Gods mastered the art of casual sex thousands of years ago. Lucky was a one-night thing. He said he’d call, but they never do.”

Her cell phone rang. Janet excused herself to take the call. She returned two minutes later and had a seat.

“Well… this is awkward.”

“What?” asked Teri. “What is it?”

Janet sucked on her soda with a guilty look.

“Oh no,” said Teri. “That was him. It was him, wasn’t it?”

Janet averted her eyes and nodded.

“You just said they never call. You just said that. They never call!”

“They don’t.”

Teri glared.

“They don’t. Not normally. Not ever before.” Janet smiled. “I’m just as surprised as you are.”

“Whatever. It’s not important,” said Teri. “What did you tell him? I hope you came up with a good excuse.”

Janet chewed her lip.

“You told him you couldn’t see him again, right?” asked Teri. “Right?”

“About that…”

“You agreed to go out with him again?”

Janet nodded. Once. She slurped her empty soda.

“I don’t believe you. You promised you wouldn’t see him anymore. You promised.”

“And I meant it,” said Janet, “but I thought about it. Wouldn’t it be better for me to go out with him one or two times more and let him get bored with me rather than risk insulting him? Look what happened to you yesterday. I couldn’t be responsible for another curse of lousy luck again, could I?”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with me,” said Teri. “If you’d been thinking about me you wouldn’t have slept with Lucky in the first place.”

“Hey, now. Let’s not start saying things we could end up regretting. In fact-and I wasn’t going to tell you this-I slept with Lucky to put him in a better mood after you insulted him. You really should be thanking me. I don’t think some gratitude is uncalled-for.”

Teri and Janet locked stares.

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” said Teri.

“Okay, so it’s bullshit. You got me, hon. But the way I see it we have two choices now. I can either call Lucky back and tell him that I have to wash my hair and hope that there’s no wrath, either intended or incidental, raining down on our heads. Or I can go out with him for another date or two and let him get bored.” She pulled out her cell. “He’s your god. I’ll go with whatever you decide.”

Teri silently mulled it over as they finished their lunch and rode the elevator back to work.

“All right, you can go out with him again. I guess.”

“Great. You won’t regret it. I’ll show him a good time, put him in a fantastic mood, and before you know it, you’ll be covered in fortune and prosperity.”

“Just make sure it’s not too good a time,” said Teri. “We want him to get bored, remember?”

“So we’re cool then?”

“Yes, we’re cool.”

The door opened, and they prepared to part ways to their different departments.

“When you were sleeping with my god,” asked Teri, “did he keep the raccoon head the whole time?”

Janet grinned slyly.

“You know what?” Teri waved her hands to silence Janet. “Forget I asked.”

The gods lounged on the couch, watching telenovelas.

“I’m confused,” said Lucky. “Is the dude with the eye patch a bad guy or not?”

“He’s a cop,” replied Quick.

“And that hot hostage in the low-cut dress is his wife?”

“Right, but he’s undercover, so he can’t let the other bank robbers figure that out.” Quick scratched his head. “Or maybe he has amnesia and doesn’t remember either. I’m not sure.”

“Amnesia. Where do they come up with this stuff?”

He held up his soda can, and Quick tapped it with his glass of tomato juice.

“Do you think I made a mistake with Janet?” asked Lucky. “I probably should’ve waited a couple of days before calling.”

“Three days,” said Quick. “Calling the next day can be construed as a bit needy. Two days after is okay. But three days means you’re interested but not desperate.”

Lucky chugged his soda.

“Three days, huh?”

“Just what I’ve heard through the grapevine. Last time I went on a date it was still acceptable to send out warriors to abduct a virgin.”

“Simpler times,” said Lucky.

They clanked their glasses together again.

“You think I came across as needy then?” asked Lucky.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Crap.”

“I like the new followers, by the way,” said Quick. “Good folks. Though I don’t think Teri likes either of us very much.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” said Lucky. “She’s won’t be the first reluctant mortal I’ve had to win over.”

“So are you going to tell them?”

“Tell them what?”

Quick ruffled his feathers. “They really should know.”

“I don’t think it’s important. I’m sure it’s all water under the bridge by now.”

“And if you’re wrong?”

“I have hundreds of followers. There’s nothing very special about these two.”

“Except you’re living here. To an outside observer with a grudge, that might make them seem important.”

“Well, of course, they’re special,” said Lucky. “All my followers are special. But I lived with Tom for years and nothing happened. And Rebecca before that. And Gary before that. It’s been just over a hundred years since the last… incident.”