Dana Stabenow - Powers of Detection

“What’s that?” the young diplomat snapped. “And why in the name of Jeffrey Dahmer do you talk like that?”

The computer’s drawl sounded aggrieved. “There’s no need to keep using foul language,” it said. “This is the authentic dialect of pilots from time immemorial, and is thought to have started with the mid-twentieth-century test pilot this ship is named for.”

There were several loud sniffs, followed by silence.

“Whatever you do, don’t irritate the computer,” the ship’s officer said. “The HAL 2750s are touchy as a hair trigger, and if it gets a case of the sulks, we won’t be able to get anything out of it for hours.”

“Ted Bundy!” Gordon said. “You mean I’ve got to apologize to a machine?”

Carter nodded.

The young diplomat thought about refusing, but he was in a tight spot and needed all the help he could get. So he sucked in a deep breath, and said, “I’m sorry, Computer. I didn’t mean to offend.”

“Thanks for that handsome apology, Probationary Intern Gordon,” the computer said. “I’m pleased as punch you gave it, because I’ve got something important to tell you. The internal temperature of the object near you that we believe to be an Unknown Origin 37 has been rising steadily.”

The two men looked at one another.

“Uh, computer,” Carter said. “What is the significance of this information?”

“Why, Fourth Officer Carter, I’m surprised at you,” the computer said. “Given your physics studies, you should know what happens when heat builds up in a self-contained vessel.”

“Jack the Ripper,” Carter said, “the thing’s going to explode.”

“Explode?” Gordon said. “It isn’t bad enough one of my diplomats is dead, it’s got to explode, too? How do you think that’s going to look on my record?”

“Computer,” the ship’s officer said, “can you tell me what the force of this explosion will be?”

The computer displayed some numbers in front of Carter, who gave a low whistle.

“We’ve got to get that thing out of here before it goes off,” he said, “which will be when, Computer?”

“Thirty-three minutes,” the computer said.

The young diplomat turned, grabbed the edge of the Unknown Origin 37, and heaved. Nothing happened.

He looked at Carter, who wasn’t exactly rushing to help.

“It’s stuck to the deck,” he said. “Can’t you give me a hand?”

“Not a lot of muscle to lend,” the ship’s officer said. “Haven’t been spending much time at gravity recently. But I’ve got something better. Computer, have engineering send us a couple of hands and their decking tools. Tell them it’s an emergency.”

In a matter of minutes, two young men who didn’t look very different from Carter turned up. Unlike him, however, they were wearing powered exoskeletons.

“Subengineers Seamus Harper and James Scott,” one of them said. “What’s the trouble?”

“This object,” the ship’s officer said, “is going to explode in about half an hour.”

“Twenty-eight minutes,” the computer said.

“Okay, twenty-eight minutes,” Carter said. “The explosion is likely to be powerful enough to be inconvenient.”

“You want us to disarm it?” one of the engineers asked.

“Can’t,” Carter said. “It’s organic. Biological. For some reason it’s building up heat. Enough heat and ka-blooie.”

“Roger that,” the other engineer said. “We’ll just pull up the deck plate it’s hooked to and carry it… well, what do you want us to do with it?”

“Space it, and fast,” Carter said.

“Hold on,” the young diplomat said. His normally dark complexion had turned almost as white as those of the ship’s crew. “You can’t just space a diplomat from another species. There will be letters of protest. Speeches in the all-creatures assembly. There might even be an exchange of notes!”

“And just what do you think will happen,” the ship’s officer asked amiably, “if this thing explodes and damages some more of the Xtees?”

Gordon thought about that. Finally, he said, “Go ahead and get rid of it.”

The two subengineers slapped screwdriver tips onto the end of their power arms and began unbolting the deck section. As they worked, Gordon took out his hushphone and spoke into it for a few minutes.

“Shouldn’t you go confer, or whatever it is you do, with the Husker delegation?” Carter asked, after the young diplomat ended his communication.

“I thought about that,” Gordon said. “But I don’t want to be haggling with a diplomat many grades my senior over this. Enough time would pass for a hundred of these things to go off before I got anywhere.”

Carter gave him a considering look. “Well, at least you’re not completely stupid,” the ship’s officer said. “My old granny always told me it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”

“Besides,” Gordon said, “I just sent a laser burst to the office on Ricketts. Maybe I’ll hear from Tulk before I have to meet with the Unknown Origin 37s.”

Carter laughed.

“Not likely,” he said. “Bureaucrats are the same everywhere. Nobody on Ricketts is going to want to touch this mess for fear they’ll get some on them.”

The two men watched the engineers take up bolts. When they had finished, they fitted their power arms with grapples, pulled up the section of deck containing what was perhaps a dead Husker, and prepared to carry it off.

“Couldn’t we just stick that in a stasis tube until we figure out something better?” the young diplomat asked.

The two engineers looked at one another.

“Not enough time to modify one, even if we knew how,” one of them said.

“But if you’re worried about spacing this,” the other said, “well, if we could get it open and vent the heat, we wouldn’t have to.”

They looked at one another again.

“Electrical charge,” one said.

“Low voltage should do it,” said the other.

The ship’s officer cleared his throat.

“I said space it,” he said.

“Yes, but then you would, wouldn’t you,” said one of them. “You’re not an engineer.”

The two of them moved off, balancing the deck plate between them.

“Computer,” Carter said, “maybe it would be a good idea if you kept an eye on those two. Say, an on-command display?”

“Right you are, Fourth Officer Carter,” the computer said.

Carter looked at Gordon, and said, “You’re the diplomat. Now what?”

Gordon gave a theatrical sigh. There wasn’t any help for it but to start taking his medicine. He could see the end of the career he’d just started staring him right in the eye.

“Now, I guess I’ll have to go talk to the Unknown Origin 37 delegation and see if I can find out what happened,” he said. “We’re just assuming that this is a dead member of the delegation, after all. Would you like to come along?”

“Love to,” the ship’s officer said. “Just let me get a power suit. And, Computer, why don’t you join us? I’ll explain it to the captain.”

Carter was back in a few minutes wearing an exoskeleton, and the two of them proceeded to the hatchway.

“I don’t know what your experience with other species is,” the young diplomat said, “but we have some in this group that are a bit exotic by human standards.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Carter said as he undogged the hatch.

The diplomats were housed near the Chuck Yeager ’s center of mass, where it was easiest to maintain gravity. Each had quarters suitable to its environmental needs, but most came from planets with atmospheres and gravities not far off Earth normal. When humans first mastered interstellar travel, they were surprised by two things: the diversity of the sentient life-forms they encountered and the similarities in the planets that supported them. There were a number of theories about why this was, the dominant one being that the universe has a wicked sense of humor.