Glenda Larke - The Heart of the mirage

'There are different kinds of fear, Temellin. I was afraid of losing your respect. Perhaps I was even afraid of having made the wrong choice. As long as I didn't tell you about the Stalwarts, I could always change my mind… and betray you to Tyrans. I knew I loved you – loved you as a lover. But it was hard for me to believe in this love of mine for you. I was brought up to believe love was a weakness I must never allow. I was taught that to feel too much was a failing, not a virtue. It was even harder for me to acknowledge this respect I was learning for much that was Kardi; it went against everything I had ever been. You want the absolute truth? I had made my choice. I made it before I took the oath, and when I swore to uphold the Covenant, I meant it, but it wasn't until I stood there in the dining room and knew you were going to kill me that I was certain I had made the right choice. In that moment, I knew it didn't matter if I died – what mattered was you, and what you believed in. For the first time in my life, I cared more about someone else than I cared about myself.'

He looked down at the floor. T wish I could believe you. But I can't; on your own admission you were, lying to us when we first met, and I had no inkling of it. Not even when I lay with you. You were very clever.

No one I know could hide so much when cabochon to cabochon. Your lies are impossible to detect. How can I ever believe what you say now?'

'But, Temel, I didn't lie to you! I never lied to you. I just-just didn't tell you the whole truth. I let you jump to conclusions. There's a difference. Temellin, please – look into me now. You must be able to sense my truth.'

'How can I be sure? I doubt everything now! I doubt every relationship I've ever had because of what you have done. I even look at my friends with suspicion, and wonder if they deceive me as you did. I look at Korden, and wonder if one day he'll stab me in the back because he wants to be the Mirager. I look at my wife and wonder if I dare tell her my secrets. You've made me doubt myself. Doubt my fitness to lead this land and these people.'

We stared at each other. I choked on the lump in my throat, aware of the damage I had done. Useless to say I hadn't meant it.

He continued, 'And as for this supposed invasion over the Alps, Aemid says you have a lover among the Stalwarts. Someone you have been bedding for years. She says anything you knew about the Stalwarts would have come from him, so if there was an invasion, he would probably be part of it. But she also says you would never betray this man; you are too close. She says you would never deliberately endanger his life.'

'Do you think that comes easily to me?' I asked and allowed him to feel my bitterness. 'I had to make a choice between Kardiastan and Tyrans, and I made it. Either way a man… a man I care about is endangered. I chose you and Kardiastan rather than Favonius and Tyrans. I stand by that choice, although if Favonius dies, his death will haunt me. He is a brave man, and he has been a good friend.'

»! 'Betrayal comes easy to you, it seems.'*› ‹-''«›'

I drew a sharp breath at the hurt in that. 'You can't have it both ways, Temellin. Either I am betraying you or I am betraying Favonius. It can't be both. To one of you I am true. To you – my brother.' I stood up and went to go to him, but he held up his hands as if to fend off my approach and I stopped. 'You still don't believe me, do you? Not a word of it -'

'No,' he said sadly. 'I don't believe you. You're my sister, and just the thought of what was done to you rasps my soul. The bastards took a child and corrupted her. That was the little Shirin I remember. They bent her and used her and probably laughed at her behind her back while they did it. But all that doesn't make me trust you now. I can't see anything of her in you. She was sweet and trusting and kind.' He folded his arms, his whole stance one of rejection. 'And now I am left with a puzzling question. Just why do you want us to believe in this Stalwart invasion?'

I didn't answer. What could I have said?

'There must be a good reason. It's a diversion of some sort, isn't it? You want us to worry about the wrong place, or the wrong kind of danger. What is it the Brotherhood really has planned for us, Legata? I've heard enough about them to know they are masters of deviousness, of deception, of plots and counterplots. And this, I know, must be one such. You're General Gayed's daughter and Rathrox Ligatan's apprentice, and Aemid says she believes you were sent here at the express order of Exaltarch Bator Korbus. All three men were once humiliated at the hands of Kardiastan. You came as the lance blade of their revenge, Shirin. Did they know when they took you that you were my sister? They did, didn't they! Were you to gain the trust of us all, then kill me and take over as Mirager? Is that

what you are trying to hide from us with this fanciful tale of the Stalwarts crossing the Alps, a tale you conveniently tell only when your main deception is uncovered?'

I still didn't speak; I couldn't think of any words to convince him of the truth.

A fleeting look of anguish crossed his face. 'Ah, Shirin, Shirin – it hurts so much to look at you, to see what they made of you. It could so easily have been… different. When Solad sent the Ten to the Mirage, I cried because they didn't include you. "Can't you make it eleven?" I asked. Shirin, we shouldn't be standing here like this, as enemies. We should be husband and wife with children playing at our feet. You've lived among us, you've seen what sort of people we are – can't you be one of us now?' He must have known the question was ridiculous. It was exactly what I did want, and exactly what his disbelief wouldn't allow him to grant.

I said, 'No matter what I said, you'd still doubt me. The truth remains the same. I'm not your enemy, Temellin. Not any more.'

The look he gave me then was poignant in its sadness. 'I suppose I shouldn't blame you for what you are. As a child I was taken to the Mirage; you were taken to Tyrans. Had it been the other way around, who is to say what might have been? And you're right, of course; no matter what you said, I would have my doubts. So much of you is Tyranian. Worse still, you know too much. You have too much power and the potential for so much more. We cannot let you have your liberty, perhaps not ever. When I threw my sword at you, I acted in passion and it was an evil thing I did. I'm glad you had deliberately protected yourself against it, for cabochon knows, you are still my sister

and I don't want your death. But in truth, perhaps it would have been kinder for you to have died then, for I doubt you can ever be freed.'

My heart wobbled absurdly; there were tears in his eyes.

'It wasn't deliberate,' I said, but I doubt he heard.

'I'm sorry, Shirin. I'm sorrier than I can say – for everything. I wish – I wish things could have been different.'

'They could be, if you believed me. Never mind. When the Stalwarts attack, perhaps you'll think again.' If it's not too late for all of us. Too late for the Mirage.

'If there's anything you need, ask. I will see that you receive anything within reason to make your imprisonment more comfortable.'

'Oh, go away, Temellin. Imprisonment cannot be anything but uncomfortable, even when the Mirage does its best to entertain me. Watch out for the fish,' I added as he turned abruptly to leave me.

After he had gone I sat down shakily, all my emotions spilling free once I was alone.,•,-.

Two nights later, Pinar came.

She came late, long after I had fallen asleep and she came silently, yet I was attuned to the malignancy of the emotional aura surrounding her. I woke the moment she stepped into the room. 'What do you want, Pinar?' I asked.

She did not answer. She raised her left hand and sent a narrow beam of light around the room from her cabochon. When it illuminated the candle on the desk under the window, she let it linger a moment and the candle flamed. By its light she began a circuit of the room, investigating the fish in their water, the bubbles and their pictures, the wall paintings, the bathroom.