Glenda Larke - The Heart of the mirage

I thought: If I go back to the Brotherhood, I can rule this land. I can have whatever I want. Power. Wealth. Respect. The things I've always wanted. The Oracle's predictions, all come true. Goddessdamn.

Once that knowledge would have set me dreaming. Once that would have brought a sparkle of triumph into my eyes. Instead, all I heard were questions. Nasty, provocative little questions demanding answers, refusing to go away. The power to do what? The respect of whom? Why would you want more wealth than you already have? And would the puppeteer be any different this time around?

When Brand returned, I said softly, 'I have decided. I will stay here. I will learn the ways of the Magor and be Kardi. If you are wise, you will leave. Make a life for yourself somewhere else. Go to Tyr, claim the money awaiting you from my estate, then go back to Altan. Lead your own people to freedom.'

– ¦-¦¦ ' i~«Ј. – ¦-¦"¦¦:

' ' 'Just like that, eh?' He gave an unbelieving, sardonic chuckle. 'And am I still a brother to you, Ligea-Derya-Shirin?'

'No – no. That was a stupidity. Now I have felt the real thing, now I know the revulsion of real… incest. You are a friend, Brand. The best friend I have ever had, or ever will have. That is why I ask you to leave. There is nothing I can offer you. You are better away from me, building your own life.'

'My answer is the same as always. I stay, at least for now. You need a friend, Ligea. Derya. Shirin. Whoever. Perhaps now more than ever. Have you given a thought to what Temellin and the others will do when you tell them you are the Legata Ligea Gayed?'

'What will that matter? It is past. I will tell them when the time is right.' I hardened myself. 'For the past week or so I have been thinking with my loins. You were right, Brand: it was insanity. But I'm back to my senses now. Power, that's what it's all about. That was why the Brotherhood fascinated me: it gave me the power of life and death over my fellow citizens, it made me feared, even to those who had money and position and political power. As compeer I used that power – yes, and sometimes misused that power, on Tyrans' behalf.' I added, surprised at its truth, 'I couldn't do that any more. But I don't love power any less. It's what I am. And I will wield it.' And no one's going to kill me for my child, either.

I wandered over to the window again and looked down on the dark cobbled street below without really seeing it. 'I feel as if I used to walk around with my head under a pail. Why couldn't I see, long before this, that there are better ways to use power? Why couldn't I see the iniquity of slavery? The inherent injustice of Exaltarchy rule?' The shards of past possibilities scored

furrows of sadness deep into my spirit. The Exaltarchy has many fine things to offer its tribute states, but the price is too high. Kardiastan would be – will be – better without Tyrans.'

'You're too hard on yourself,' Brand said. He came to stand by me, and the gentle touch of his hand on my arm told me more about his concern than his shrouded feelings did. 'Firstly, you were brought up to be Tyranian. You were supposed to believe those things. Secondly, there was always a part of you that fought the iniquities anyway. You tried to use your power to ensure that there was no injustice. That the innocent went free. That torture was not used.'

T can't absolve myself of guilt so easily. You are too generous, my friend.'

T don't happen to think I am,' he said and his certainty was comforting. 'And so, what next, Magoria?'

I took a deep breath. T am sister to the Mirager and mother of the heir. Pinar can be his wife and consort, but it is I who will have the greater power. Perhaps this time I'll use it better. We will make something of this Goddessforsaken land.' I straightened and turned to face him. T am ready to see Temellin.' '

He shook his head, his dismay tinged with reluctant admiration. 'I might have known. You are rock-strong, Ligea.'

I was still standing by the window when Temellin entered and I didn't feel rock-strong. I felt empty, an outer shell of fragility that could be shattered by the wrong word, the wrong touch.

He entered and began to cross the room towards me.

'Don't touch me, Temellin,' I said. 'Not ever again.'

, r-. _….,-,..,… ›•-*:¦

He stopped, his body rigid. 'Der- Shirin, don't think of it as wrong. How could anything so beautiful be wrong?'

'It wasn't wrong then. It is now. I'm sorry, Temellin, but it's over. I can't bed my brother, nor ever will be able to. Any desire I felt for you has vanished.' Liar. Vortex take you, Ligea, even now your loins crawl with longing – and yet the touch of him would have you heaving up your stomach. 'Forgive me.'

His hands hung loose at his sides as though he feared what they would do if he moved them. 'I love you, Derya.'

'Just lust, Temellin. Just lust.'

He shook his head. 'No. Don't tell me how I felt. Feel. It was more than that. Is more than that. Certainly I want you on my pallet, but I also want you by my side as my partner – my consort – my wife.'

'You will have me as your sister.'

'I don't feel brotherly. It takes a lifetime to feel brotherly. We haven't had a lifetime of growing up together; we've had a week of lying in each other's arms, of talking about things that matter -'

I cut him off brutally. 'We will be siblings or nothing, Tern. I'd leave Kardiastan rather than come back to your arms. / can't. Can you understand that? I can't love you that way any more. Just as something would have died in you, had I proved to be Sarana and usurped your position.'

He opened his mouth to deny it, but his inherent honesty wouldn't allow him to give voice to the words. He was human enough not to like having it pointed out to him, though. He said, his timing a petty cruelty I knew he would later regret, 'I shall have to marry Pinar.'

'Yes, I know.' And I shall hate her.

mm

'Ravage hells, you really mean it, don't you?'

'I mean it.' I saw the slump of his shoulders and had to curb that treacherous desire to go to him. I opened my mouth to tell him about his son, and then changed my mind. It wasn't the time. It could wait. No point in adding another burden to him right then.

His eyes fell away from mine, and saw the sword I had put on the table. Confused, he touched the blade as if to identify it. He must have felt its power through his fingers because his head jerked up. 'Yours? How -?'

'I walked beneath the Shiver Barrens.'

As I had suspected he would, he accepted this as being within the bounds of possibility, but surprise flitted across his face nonetheless. His conclusion was not quite the one I had expected. 'Then you knew all along you were a Magoria?'

'No. Why should I know -?'

'Only the Magoroth have Magor swords.'

'No one told me that! I thought it must be something that happened to all Magor.' Only now did it occur to me I'd never seen an Illusos or Theuros wearing a Magor sword. I chided myself for missing the significance. Ligea the compeer was indeed slipping.

'Why didn't you tell me at the time?' He sounded more puzzled than suspicious.

'I -' There was no rational answer I could give him. I settled for a vague: 'It seemed such a private thing.'

He explained, talking for the sake of talking, because it was better than thinking, remembering. 'It happens to all Magoroth, usually around puberty. It has always been so, even before we came to live in the Mirage. We have walked the Shiver Barrens, just at the edge, for generations – long before we knew how to cross them.

It is usually the only time any of us meet with the Mirage Makers. Except for the Mirager: he walks the Barrens a second time, when he inherits. There are certain things he has to be told -' He paused before adding, 'Not me, though. I inherited the job when I was five years old, long before I had my sword. I walked the Barrens only once, when I was ten. I was given my weapon and told what I had to know then.'