Tim Pratt - Sympathy for the Devil

“What do you mean?”

Dennis waved his hand around the room. “Well there’s six of us. You want us all to go in your car?”

Zin Zan shook his head. “We don’t have a car.”

I shook mine. “We got a little Hyundai. We can barely get the two of us into it. It wouldn’t know what to do with six people.”

“It’d have a heart attack,” Rae said, and it was like the first joke she’d made in five years.

All the guys smiled at her and I felt pretty proud to have a wisecracking wife. First she’s putting out a greedy hand just like the others for a thousand dollars and now she was cracking jokes. She was suddenly a completely different woman from the one I knew, but I kind of liked it.

“Then I say we all go in the truck.”

“What truck, yours? And ride in the back with the rest of the appliances?”

“Naah-you and your wife can sit up front with Dennis. Me and the Brothers will get in back.”

Brooks and Zin Zan nodded to that and so did Rae. Who was I to argue? We put on our raincoats and waded out into the storm. Where I looked left and right but didn’t see any furniture truck. “So where is it?”

“Right there. Right in front of you.”

Right in front of me was a red truck. But on the side of it was a picture of a smiling white pig wearing a black baseball cap. The poor little guy was being roasted on a spit. Now I ask you, why would you put a baseball cap on a pig you were cooking? Even more, why would the pig be smiling while it died? Above that dumbass picture was written “Lester’s Meat.” Which, when you thought about it, didn’t sound very appetizing either. I made myself a mental note never to buy Lester’s Meat.

“That’s a meat truck.”

“It’s my uncle’s. He lets me use it to make deliveries sometimes.”

“You deliver appliances in a meat truck?”

“It’s been known to happen.” Vito and Dennis grinned at each other like they knew something we didn’t.

“This is too weird. My new refrigerator was in there up alongside a side of beef?”

“No, the truck’s empty now. He only lets me use it when it’s empty.”

“Yeah, but is my fridge going to smell of raw meat now?”

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to walk,” Brook said.

“Walk? Why?”

“Because members of the Heidelberg Cylinder are strict vegetarians. Not vegan but strict vegetarian. We don’t eat anything with a face. We avoid contact with any form of meat.”

“What the Hell are you talking about? You’re not having contact with meat. We’re going to Pilot Hill, like you wanted.”

“I’m sorry, but we’re not allowed contact with anything to do with meat. If there’s a remnant in that truck it could contaminate us. No, it’s out of the question. Brother Zin Zan and I will walk up to Pilot Hill and meet you there.”

“It’s three miles away. It’ll take you an hour to get there! Look, I got a better idea. You guys get in the front and we’ll all get in the back. I don’t mind being contaminated by meat. Rae?”

She nodded. The Brothers looked at each other and shrugged that the idea was okay with them. Which is how we ended up standing inside a cold empty truck holding on for dear life while getting real intimate with the smell of fresh beef and etcetera. Then about three minutes after the ride began, the only little light bulb back there that lit anything flickered-flickered-flickered and went out. Poof-total blackness.

“Real cozy back here, huh?” Vito said from somewhere nearby in the blackness.

“I can’t see a damned thing.”

“Not much to see. Just a bunch of empty space.”

“Bill?” Rae’s voice was small, like she was far away.

“Yeah?”

“I’m scared now. I don’t think I want to go.”

“Why’s that? You were fast enough taking their money,” I threw in with a little twist-of-the-knife in my voice.

“I know, but I gotta bad feeling now.”

“Why?”

“Because those men are so sure of themselves. They’ve got pockets full of money and can give away a thousand dollars just to prove they’re right.”

“Four thousand dollars.”

Vito made his whistle again. “Four thousand smackers. Did you ever carry four thousand dollars in your pocket? From the way they talked, it sounds like these guys do it every day. Kind of tempting when you think about it, you know?”

The darkness felt like it was suddenly heavier. So did the silence that followed what he’d said.

“What’s your point?”

Vito tried to sound light but I heard the rats gathering on the other side of his voice. “Well, there’s twenty thousand dollars sitting up there next to the driver. That’s a lot of money.”

“Bill-”

A hand touched me on the elbow and I assumed it was Rae’s. I patted it until I realized it was too damned big for her hand and that it was Vito’s instead.

I gave him a fast hard poke that couldn’t have felt good. “Just what the Hell are you doing?”

“Nothing, man. Take it easy. It’s dark in here, in case you didn’t notice. I’m just trying to get my bearings.

“Well, get them away from me.”

Why was he touching my elbow in the dark like that? And why was he making suggestions like maybe we should do something criminal about the twenty thousand dollars sitting in the Brothers’ pockets at that very minute?

“Bill?”

“What Rae?” I said it pretty harshly, and angry voices are not that woman’s favorite music. Sure enough, her answer came back at me like a flame-thrower.

“Don’t you talk to me like that, Bill Gallatin! I don’t like any of this. I want to go home. They can have their money back. I don’t care. I just want to go back home now.”

“Well honey, wait till we stop and they let us out. There’s not much we can do till then.”

“But we should be there by now. It’s not that far. How come we haven’t gotten there yet?”

I took a deep breath and licked my tongue back and forth across my lips, which is usually my procedure when I’m trying hard to stay calm. When I was sure I had my temper back on its leash I spoke. “I don’t know why we aren’t there yet, sweetheart. Pilot Hill’s on the other side of town, remember. It takes a little while to get there.”

“I want to get out of this truck right now; it’s creepy and weird.”

“Well sure it is. It’s pitch black and we’re standing in the back of a meat truck!”

“I don’t mean that.”

“Well what do you mean, Rae?” I lost my composure and my voice came out sounding damned irritated.

The next thing I know, my good wife’s crying because she’s scared, while at the same time I’m realizing this is all my fault, basically. I was the one who invited Brother Brooks and Zin Zan into our house not one hour ago. Before them everything was fine-we had a new refrigerator, we were shooting the breeze with the movers, and finishing our coffee.

Before I had a chance to say anything more, the truck began slowing. Then it stopped with a jerk that sent us all flying, judging by the sound of things around me. Vito yelled “Hey!” and Rae squealed, but I was quiet because it was all I could do to stop from falling on my face. My mother used to say never try standing up when the bus is going around a corner. Now I had one to add to that-never try keeping your balance in the dark. You need to see stuff so you can judge angles and tilts. At that moment I couldn’t see anything so I was groping out with my hands, basically reaching for whatever would have me.

Unfortunately I found something.

What’s warm and furry and licks your hand in the dark? A dark that had gotten ten times darker because all of a sudden it was totally silent in there except for the sound of me being slurpy-licked by an eager tongue.