Andy McNab - Dark winter

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I got to the Moorings on time but the others hadn't arrived. The receptionist hadn't received any calls to say they were going to be late so I called the bungalow from her phone, but all I got was the BT messaging service. Carmen was always fucking up answering-machines by pressing the wrong buttons. Letting BT take care of it made much more sense.

Dr Hughes came into the waiting room with a smile on her face that made me think she'd been expecting Kelly rather than me.

'Her grandparents are bringing her.' I smiled back. 'Maybe they're caught in the traffic.'

She nodded. 'No matter, we'll just sit and wait awhile, shall we? What would you say to a cup of tea? Catherine, could you organize that for us?'

No wonder Kelly felt safe with her. She might have stern hair, but there was something about her, some kind of soothing aura, that made it impossible not to relax in her company.

'Dr Hughes, I need to have a word with you. I'm afraid things have changed.'

'By all means, Mr Stone. Do sit down.'

We sat at either side of the coffee-table, her half-moons nearly falling off the end of her nose as she gave me her full attention.

'Kelly will be going back to the US tomorrow, so unfortunately this is going to be the last time she can come.'

Her expression didn't change, but I heard the concern in her voice. 'Are you sure that's wise? She still has a-'

I cut in with a shake of the head. 'I'll be quite happy to pay for what time we have booked and anything else I owe you. I really do appreciate all you've done for us, in the past and, of course, now, and I'd be very grateful if you would still recommend someone to help sort things out for her in the States.'

She seemed to know it was pointless taking the conversation further. 'Very well, Mr Stone, I understand. Your work again, I presume?' The tone was sympathetic, not accusing.

I nodded. We'd been through a lot together, Dr Hughes and me. Three years and tens of thousands of pounds ago, I'd turned up at her clinic with Kelly in pieces. She was like a big bucket with holes – everything was going in, but then it just dripped out again. At boarding-school, before she went to live with Josh, she started to complain about 'pains', but could never be more specific or explain exactly where they were. It slowly got worse, Kelly gradually withdrawing from her friends, her teachers, her grandparents, me. She wouldn't talk or play any more; she just watched TV, sat in a sulk, or sobbed. My usual response had been to go and get ice cream. I knew that wasn't the answer, but I didn't know what was.

One particular night, in Norfolk, she'd been particularly distant and detached, and nothing I did seemed to engage her. I felt like a schoolkid jumping around a fight in the playground, not really knowing what to do: join in, stop it or just run away. That was when I nailed the tent down in her room and we played camping. She woke much later with terrible nightmares. Her screaming lasted until dawn. I tried to calm her, but she just lashed out at me as if she was having a fit. The next morning, I made a few phone calls, and found out there was a six-month waiting list for an NHS appointment, and even then I'd be lucky if it helped. I made more calls and took her to see Dr Hughes the same afternoon.

I'd had some understanding of Kelly's condition, but only some. I knew men who'd suffered with post-traumatic stress disorder, but they were big boys who'd been to war. Hughes told me it was natural for a child to go through a grieving process after a loss – but sometimes, after a sudden traumatic event, the feelings could surface weeks, months or even years later. This delayed reaction was PTSD, and the symptoms were similar to those associated with depression and anxiety: emotional numbness, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and despair, and reliving the traumatic experience in nightmares – exactly what had happened to me at Hunting Bear Path.

Hughes's diagnosis rang so true, but then, as I was to discover, just about everything she ever said rang true. Kelly hadn't fully recovered from the events of 1997, and I didn't know whether she ever would. Seeing your whole family head-jobbed took some recovering from. But she was a fighter, just like her dad had been, and had made dramatic strides. Under Hughes's care, she'd moved from being a curled-up bundle of nothing to being able to function in the big bad world. It was just a fucker that that world was full of sex, exams, boys and drugs, all conspiring to send her back down the black hole it had taken her so long to escape from.

26

There was a gentle knock on the door before it opened and the receptionist popped her head round. 'Kelly's here.' We stood up as Dr Hughes put her special smily face back on.

'Dr Hughes, I haven't told her yet, and I want to myself later today.'

Kelly came in, apologizing. 'The taxi driver didn't know the way. He had to get his book out.'

Carmen and Jimmy were still in the reception area, and I could hear Jimmy getting a hard time. Carmen was somehow managing to make the driver's incompetence his fault. I sneaked a look at the new plaster on Kelly's right hand.

'Shall we go up, then, Kelly?' Hughes had an arm out to usher her away. 'There's still quite a bit of time left.'

Kelly looked pleased, then gave me a raised eyebrow. 'Are you going to be here?'

I nodded. 'See you in a bit.'

I got a slight smile from her as they left the room. I didn't know whether she was pleased to see me or just glad to escape from those two for the best part of an hour.

Jimmy looked relieved as I walked into Reception. He always made the mistake of assuming there was safety in numbers. I opened the door for them. 'Shall we go for a cup of tea round the corner? It's pointless waiting here, isn't it?'

Jimmy was up for it but we had to wait for Carmen to agree. Eventually we walked along to the main and found a table in a pretend French cafe staffed entirely by Croatians.

'Have any letters come for me yet?'

She shook her head while studying the menu. 'No, but we left before the post. It's such a long way, you know. That stupid man didn't know where he was. Don't they have to sit a test? Look at these prices – one fifty for a cup of tea.'

Jimmy nodded his thanks to the waitress as she wrote down our order and took it to the counter. We all went back to studying our menus, already stumped for conversation.

The girl rescued us a few minutes later by returning and plonking down two teas and a coffee for me. I pushed two antibiotic tablets through the foil of the card, which didn't escape Carmen's eye. 'I've got a cold coming on,' I said. 'Just trying to knock it on the head.'

'As long as you don't knock it in my direction. I've only just got over one. Well, it was more flu, wasn't it, Jimmy?'

Jimmy sparked up. 'I think it's just black-cab drivers, dear. Our one was a minicab.'

'Well, they should have to do the test too.' She turned and gave me a theatrical aside. 'He's going deaf, but he won't admit it. I told him to see the doctor, but, oh, no…'

I swallowed the first pill with a sip of frothy coffee. I bet he was deaf. I would have been in his position. 'There might be another letter coming to you,' I said. 'It's not important, I can always come and pick it up after I've finished this work.' I scooped a bit more of the froth from the top of the brew to help the pill down. There was no point putting this off any longer. It was time to cut to the chase. 'Carmen and Jimmy, I've got some disappointing news. Kelly's got to go back to the States tomorrow.'

'But-'

'I know, I know, but I'm going to be working for longer than I thought. Dr Hughes is already finding somebody in the States for Kelly, so that's a good thing.'

'Surely it's not a good idea to chop and change-'

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