Steve Hockensmith: Naughty-Nine Tales of Christmas

Her mascara-encrusted raccoon eyes caught sight of me in the doorway and went all squinty. She flapped one of her big hands at me, shooing me away.

"How am I supposed to compete with real elves?" she said, still glaring at me and flailing her hand. "Tell me. Huh? How?"

I put up a finger. My index finger, meaning I just needed one minute of her time.

"Hold on, Charlie," Missy growled. She cupped a hand over the receiver. "Are you quitting?"

"No."

"Has somebody been hurt?"

"No."

"Somebody feel you up?"

"Uhhh, no. But I am concerned about something."

Missy pointed at a black plastic tray on her desk. It was overflowing with memos and Post-Its and old newspaper ads.

"Put it in writing."

Then she spun her chair around so she faced the wall.

"Why should people come here when they can go to River Valley and see real elves? I'm telling you, Charlie, I need more money."

End of conversation, obviously. I couldn't count on Missy Widgitz for squat. So I found an empty stall and began plotting.

Now, it just so happens that my roommate's boyfriend is a kleptomaniac. He's in a band, so I think she just sees it as one of the cute little character flaws she has to put up with in order to date a guitar player. I just see it as pathetic. Anyway, whenever I come home from school, I play it safe and pack up everything of value I own. So stashed away in the back of my '84 VW Rabbit was a toaster, a CD player, an almost-empty jewelry box, an Aran sweater, a little TV and the old voice-activated tape recorder I use to record lectures.

Obviously, the toaster wasn't going to do me much good in this situation. Same with the CD player, the jewelry, the TV and the sweater. But the tape recorder-that I could use.

The next morning, I did the unthinkable: I showed up for work early. I needed time to find the best place in Santa's Workshop to hide a tape recorder. It had to be close enough to Santa's throne to pick up what Big Buck was saying, but not so close that Big Buck or Kev would see it or hear it when it clicked off. I thought about hiding it with the fake presents under a Christmas tree, but that was too far away. Same with the fake stockings hung over the fake fireplace and the fake toys on the fake worktable.

Fake fake fake. Which made me think. What about Santa's "throne"? It looked big and boxy and, you know, solid . But if it was as bogus as everything else in the Workshop, wouldn't it be hollow?

I tipped the throne over-it was surprisingly light-and found that I was right. So I reached under and left the tape recorder there with the voice-activation thingy turned on. I'd be pulling a Patriot Act on Big Buck right under his nose… or butt , to be more accurate.

The rest of the day passed like every other work day-slowly. Two things broke the monotony: my fear that Kev or Big Buck would find the tape recorder and put two and two together (though, knowing them, they might get five) and a surprise visitor.

Right before our first break, I noticed that someone had parked a mummy in a wheelchair not far from Santa's Workshop. Though its entire body was covered in bandages and plaster, it had a human head-one belonging to a girl about my age. She was watching us with a strange, blank expression on her face, almost like she'd been hypnotized. When it was finally time to "feed the reindeer," Arlo went up and started talking to her. I wasn't going to enjoy my serial killer thriller that day-I was too nervous about Big Buck to worry about fictional psychos-so I decided to introduce myself to the human statue.

"So what are you on? Codeine?" Arlo was saying as I walked up.

"Nuh. Vicodin… and thome other thtuff," Mummy Girl mumbled. She looked even more glassy-eyed close up. "It helpth."

"Got some you could spare?"

Mummy Girl stared at him a moment, then turned her hollow eyes toward me.

"Oh, hey, Hannah," Arlo said. "Becky, this is Hannah, the new elf."

"Hi, Becky."

"Huh," Becky said. I think that was as close as she could get to "Hi."

"Becky just got out of the hospital," Arlo said.

No duh , I thought. I figured she just came from the gym .

What I said was, "Really?"

"Yeah. She was in a really bad car wreck. Some nut cut her off and forced her into a telephone pole. Right, Becky?"

Becky tried to nod, but ended up just wincing.

"Umm-hmmm," she hummed.

And finally, it dawned on me. This was the Becky-the first greeter elf of the year, the one who'd been in an accident with Santa Claus. Arlo had probably forgotten he'd already told me about her. (His long-term memory, like his short-term memory and his everything-in-between-memory, wasn't too good.) So I played dumb.

"Was there anybody else in the car with you?" I asked.

"Umm-hmmm." Becky moved her dazed eyes to Arlo again. "That'th why I'm heah. I wanted to tell you in perthon, Ahlo. Mistah Haney ith dead. He nevah came ou' of hith coma."

"No way," Arlo said.

"Yeth. I'm thorry. I know you two wuh clothe."

"We were what?"

"Clothe."

"Huh?"

"Close," I snapped at Arlo, barely resisting the urge to smack him upside the back of the head. Sure, Becky sounded like Arnold Schwarzenegger on 'ludes, but still- context , dude! "You two were close ."

"Oh. Right. Sure." Arlo frowned. "We were?"

"Mr. Haney cahed about you, Ahlo," Becky spoke-moaned. "He wuh even planning an intuhven- – "

"Well, ho ho ho!" someone bellowed.

We all jumped-even Becky, who paid for it with another wince.

Big Buck came swaggering up with Kev not far behind.

"If it isn't my favorite little elf!" Big Buck boomed.

"You two know each other?" I asked Becky.

"Oh, we're old friends," Big Buck answered for her. "I dropped by to see Kev a couple times before they asked me to strap on the beard myself. I had to see the elf princess my buddy here kept jabberin' about. Man, he made Santa's Workshop sound better'n Hooters!" He leered at Becky as if her bandages were something from Victoria's Secret. "So… how ya' doin', Betty?"

Becky looked as though she wanted to shrink into her body cast like a turtle into its shell.

"Fine," she whispered.

Big Buck leaned over and stroked her leg cast.

"Good. You just keep healin' up, Betty. Then come see ol' St. Nick again when you're feelin' more limber." He winked at her, then turned and gave me a wink, too. "Maybe we'll make us a Santa sandwich with two slices of elf!"

He let out a wheezy laugh-a hoarse, course, phlegmy sound that made me want to rip off his beard and stuff it down his fat throat.

"Mr. Haney's dead," I said instead. I guess I was trying to embarrass him. I should've known that was impossible. You have to be capable of shame to be embarrassed.

He stopped laughing, but his eyes still twinkled with cruel glee.

"Oh, that's too bad. You hear that, Kev?"

Big Buck's little sidekick nodded silently, suddenly looking shifty and nervous. The news actually seemed to shake him, which surprised me. Before that, I'd never seen anything on his ferret face but sneers and leers.

"Well, this Santa's gonna be a lot more careful who he hitches a ride from," Big Buck said, giving Becky one last pat. "Bye now. Break-time's over."

He walked away singing "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town," Kev trailing him like a broken-spirited dog.

Something about the conversation bothered me-something beyond the fact that Big Buck was a repulsive old letch. It wasn't a suspicion, really. Just an uneasy tingle, like the vague feeling of dread I get when I'm taking a test and I know I just wrote down the wrong answer… without knowing what the right answer is . The clue phone's ringing, but I can't find the phone, let alone pick it up.