C Box - Blue Heaven

“Not long after we got there, my friends and I got separated from each other, and even though I was the hot little number, I was a little scared because I was out of my league. There were so many people who knew each other, and a lot of drinking. I’d had way too much myself. Luckily, though, there was a boy I recognized at the party. A boy from around here. Even though we really didn’t know each other very well-he was three years ahead of me in school-it was great to see a familiar face. And he was a very nice boy, very friendly, very handsome. Smart, too. It was exciting. I wanted to find my stupid friends so they could see how well I made out, you know? So he said he’d take me through the frat house and we’d try and find them. And if we couldn’t find them there, we’d go from party to party on campus until we did.”

She saw Jess shake his head, probably not even realizing he was doing it. Did he disapprove? What? She continued.

“I was head over heels being with him. I wanted to acquire him, and I wanted him to acquire me. He was an amazing boy, the most charismatic man I’d met other than my dad. He lit up a room when he walked into it, and I wanted him, and I told him so. No college boy can resist that, trust me. That boy and I spent the next two days together locked up in his room. It was magical. You could just look at him and know something big was going to happen with this boy-like he was on the verge of something. I found out later what that was, but at the time I didn’t see it. I don’t think anyone did. Finally, my friends came and found me and practically had to drag me back to the Kootenai Bay.

“I still wanted to see him, so I called him. I was scared to death that I’d say ‘This is Monica,’ and he’d say ‘Who?’ But when I called the frat house they were evasive. They said he wasn’t there anymore, but they wouldn’t tell me how to reach him. It was weird. At first, I thought they knew who I was, and they were trying to shield him from me, but that didn’t make sense. Then I figured, well, stupid frat boys. He probably left the fraternity and went to another one, and they didn’t want to admit he’d left or something. I started to get worried. So I called the one friend who’d always been there to help me out and told him the situation, that I was scared something had happened to this boy. We drove to Spokane, and that’s when I found out my man had gotten sick…mentally. That he’d had some kind of real severe breakdown the week before and gotten arrested.”

When she looked at Jess, he was staring at her with an intensity she hadn’t seen before.

“Jess, the boy was Jess Jr.”

“He told me he knew you.”

“Was that all he said?”

Jess swallowed. “He said you were wild. You aren’t going to tell me Annie is my granddaughter, are you?”

She hesitated for a beat.

“No, I’m not. Annie is Jim Hearne’s daughter.”

Jess was speechless.

“He was the friend I called to take me to Spokane to try and find out what happened to J.J. He was my father’s best friend, and I think he felt he owed something to me and to you. But one thing led to another. Neither of us planned it, and afterward, Jim felt horrible. He said he’d get a divorce if I wanted him to, even though he loved his wife, because he’d betrayed her with his friend’s daughter. I told him never to say that again, and to go home to Laura. I never told him I was pregnant. I let him think the baby-Annie-was J.J’s. But she wasn’t. J.J. never completed the act, but Jim did. So I know for sure. In a way, I think he knows, too, but he’s been too frightened all these years to ask. If you’re wondering why the local banker is on that horse right now, I think you’ve got your answer.”

“My God,” Jess said. “Now I know what Hearne was trying to tell me.”

She said, “I’m no victim. He didn’t take advantage of me like it sounds. He gave in to me . I was like that then. But I didn’t want to ruin a good man or bust up a marriage. I had some dignity, I guess. And Annie is such a joy, such a wonderful, wonderful girl. I’m blessed to be her mother. She’s a freak of nature because she’s special, and better than both her parents, I think.”

She tried to guess what he was thinking. It was as if he couldn’t quite process what she had told him, and she couldn’t tell if he was relieved or disappointed.

“I wanted to tell someone so many times,” she said, “but I didn’t. I guess I was waiting for the right time, and that never came. When I was married there was certainly no point. My husband never knew who Annie’s father was. I kept that from him. So it’s amazing to me how things worked out. It’s like there was a reason we were brought together tonight, and the least I could do was let you know.”

He smiled sadly. “I was kind of hoping you were going to tell me I had a grandchild.”

“I’m sorry she isn’t.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he said, excited. “I like ’em just the same.”

She laughed at that, and he smiled. “Jess, I don’t know how much you’ve heard about me,” she said, seeing his eyes flinch and knowing he had heard, “but I’ve made a vow to myself during all of this that I’m going to keep: My kids come first. If there is anything good at all to come out of all of this, it’s that I’ve learned that lesson. No more Tom Boyds, no more J.J.s, no more Jim Hearnes, no more anyone. Annie and William come first. I’ve made that promise with God.”

He nodded. “I think that’s good.”

“I think that’s good,” she mocked good-naturedly, causing him to smile again. “Yes, it is. I need to make my own way in the world without relying on any man to make things happen for me. I think that’s possible, don’t you?”

“Sure,” he said. “Might as well try.”

“I’ll prove it can be done,” she said, holding up her hand over her heart as if taking a pledge. “I may have to take the kids and move to somewhere I don’t have any history, but I’ll prove it can be done.”

He flinched again, which surprised her.

“What’s wrong with that?” she asked.

He looked down. “Nothing, I guess.”

“What, Jess?”

He looked at his boots, at the cow, at the bare lightbulb, anywhere but at her. Then, when he turned his head and looked at her full on, he said, “However things work out, I’d kind of like to keep up with Annie and William. We can pretend they’re my grandkids.”

This time, it was Monica who was speechless.

“My own family got pretty screwed up,” he said. “I’d like to help your kids if I can, maybe make up for the damage I’ve caused around here.”

She reached up and blotted her tears with the rolled-up cuff of the barn coat. She was surprised that he continued.

“This place,” he said, gesturing toward the open barn door but meaning the ranch, “is the only thing I’ve got that connects me to my own father and mother, and to my granddad, who homesteaded it. They passed along a pretty good thing. They said to work hard and pass it on to my own kids. That’ll never happen. It doesn’t look like I can keep it, or leave it to anyone. Developers want it, and they’ll likely get it. It belongs more to the bank than it does to me.

“So,” he said, “there’ll be nothing for me to pass on. I’ll leave no mark on this valley. But if I can help out Annie and William, maybe help them get a leg up, well, that’ll be fine. It means I’ve got something to live for. I’ve got someone to defend. That means…everything.”

He turned away, the expression on his face telling her he thought he had said too much. But he hadn’t, and she leaned over and hugged him, buried her face into his neck, said, “You’re a good man, Jess. You’re such a good man,” and meant it, feeling such affection for him, wondering why she hadn’t called him years before to see how J.J. was doing, thinking how sometimes, it was the hardest men who were the softest.