Karin Alvtegen - Shadow

‘I’ve asked Ellen to sleep over at a friend’s house tonight, because you and I have to talk.’

For a few seconds his anger remained entrenched until the gravity in her voice made him pay attention. Treacherously it came slithering with its foul breath. When he looked at her he realised that something really had changed. Her face was open and her gaze unwavering, and the minefield that usually surrounded her had dissolved.

‘I’m sorry this is such bad timing, because you’re so excited about the prize and surely worried about Alice, but I might as well come straight out with it.’

His senses held their breath.

‘I want a divorce.’

The air in his lungs emptied out as if he’d been punched in the stomach. She sat calm and composed in the easy chair as if what she’d said was entirely normal.

‘Both of us know it’s the right thing to do.’

What scared him most was her decisiveness. As if everything had been fully discussed before they even spoke. He gritted his teeth and tried to hide his panic, grasping for the one fact he had relied on in the muddle of thoughts that had passed through his brain in recent days. She was dependent on him, destitute without access to his wallet. Only until the day his father died, of course, but Axel could live a long time yet if all went well. That circumstance was his best defence. The fact that she knew nothing about the provisions of Axel’s will.

He gave a little smile, rested his elbows on the desk and leaned his chin in his hands.

‘And how do you intend to make ends meet, Louise? You don’t have any money.’

‘It’ll all work out somehow. I’m going to go back to university and finish my degree, so I’ll take out a student loan. Then I’m going to go back to work as a civil engineer.’

He swallowed. It was all planned out.

‘Where will you live?’

‘I talked to Filippa. I can sublet her flat for the time being, then I’ll have to see.’

Plans forged and executed behind his back.

‘Ellen will be staying here, just so you know.’

‘Maybe. She’s twelve years old, and at that age children usually get to decide where they want to live after a divorce.’

He took a deep breath and could hear that it gave him away; he raised his glass but set it down again when his hand shook. Their roles were now reversed. So many times he had been the target, cleverly dodging her missiles, refusing to fall no matter what she threw at him. Her composure frightened him, the self-confidence she radiated. He fumbled for something that would break her supremacy, neutralise her advantage and give him control. Her sheer will-power was evident. No threats from him would alter her decision. She had slipped beyond his control and landed out of reach. Suddenly he felt terrified. She really intended to leave him, leave him all alone.

‘It doesn’t have to be this way. Every marriage has its problems, but we can solve this together, Louise. I promise I’ll change, I can go to that therapist if you like. Just tell me what you want me to do.’

‘Jan-Erik, please.’ She cocked her head to one side, pleading as if with a child. ‘Don’t you see that we’re destroying each other?’

‘No, I don’t. We can’t just throw away everything we have together because things are a bit difficult right now. Damn it, we have to fight back a little.’

‘Haven’t we been doing that long enough?’

He tried to find something to say, but the words weren’t part of his vocabulary. Her impossible questions. Having to plead. Having to put into words what he felt. What she was demanding was unreasonable. All he wanted was for this whole thing to be over. Go back to the way it was. When he could still choose.

‘But what about Ellen?’

‘Ellen will always be our daughter even if we’re divorced. Seriously, Jan-Erik, we may live at the same address, but that’s all we have in common.’

She shifted in the chair, clearing her throat a little, as if only now did she feel uncomfortable.

‘Lena rang for you. She wants you to call.’

There was no anger in her voice. She was merely stating a fact.

‘Lena who?’

‘Lena in Göteborg.’

At first he didn’t know what she was talking about. As far as he knew he didn’t know any Lena in Göteborg. But then he remembered, and to his dismay he felt himself blushing.

‘I don’t know any Lena in Göteborg.’

But his gaze had slid along the wall however much he tried to keep it steady.

On the rare occasions when he gave his phone number to women he met, he always used his mobile number. As a final precaution he would change one digit to give them a hint of how little he wanted to hear from them.

‘It doesn’t matter, Jan-Erik. It’s odd, but I even feel happy for you.’

Her comment amazed him.

‘What do you mean? You think I’ve been having an affair with some woman named Lena in Göteborg?’

‘Yes, I do.’

He snorted.

‘But I haven’t. I have no idea who Lena in Göteborg is. Probably someone who heard one of my lectures. Is that why you want a divorce, because you think I’m unfaithful?’

‘No, that’s not why.’

He couldn’t understand how she was managing to stay so calm. How could she sit there unafraid, facing the dreadful change she was setting in motion? She must be getting her strength from somewhere. And all at once he knew. There was someone else. There was a man who had taken his place and was driving her to do all this. Her path was already staked out. When she broke up their marriage, all she would have to do was to follow the straight line. All the fruitless searching had already been done, any threatening loneliness had been precluded; all that was left was for him to be pushed aside and replaced with a better model.

‘Ah, now I understand. You’re trying to blame all this on me and on some bloody Lena in Göteborg, when it’s really you who’ve met someone else!’

Louise lowered her eyes. Then she looked at him with the hint of a smile, neither spiteful nor indulgent.

‘Admit it! Admit you have someone else!’

‘No, Jan-Erik, I don’t.’

He didn’t believe her. He knew she was lying in order to cast herself in a better light. But then she continued, and the words shattered his brilliant conclusion.

‘If you only knew how much I wish I did have someone else.’

He clenched his fists, letting himself be attacked by images of how his territory was about to be stolen. He would have to witness the invasion, incapable of repelling the attack. For ever more unwelcome in the very domain he sought to defend.

‘You are Ellen’s father and you always will be. I don’t want to hate you, Jan-Erik, but I will if I stay here. I was at Alice’s today. You know, I’ve never seen her so happy before, now that she believes she’s about to die. I realised that I’m starting to become just like her, and I don’t want that to happen. And you’re becoming more and more like your father with each passing day.’

Her insult cut straight to his heart. Rage came rushing in from every direction to staunch the leak and prevent what was inside from flowing out and drowning him.

‘If we share custody of Ellen you’ll see her every other week. The two of you will finally have a chance to get to know each other.’

His throat hurt. A lump was blocking his vocal cords. He pushed out the chair and got to his feet, left the room and pulled his suitcase from the hall cupboard. In the bedroom he threw into it whatever clothes he could grab. On his way back through the living room he stuffed in some bottles without bothering to look at the labels. The only thing that mattered was how much was left in each one.

She was still sitting in the chair. He saw her legs as he passed on his way to the front door.